Jan. 2nd, 2010

topthemonkey: (Default)
Since the hit and run incident I've been feeling rather drained emotionally. My physical resources are going towards healing my body and that also lowers my emotional resources.

I do the vast majority of housework. I have no issues doing this. The problem comes when I'm physically unable to do housework. Then the Top does it, it goes undone, or I eventually just push myself to do it. The Top isn't used to doing housework, so it's not something he does automatically. I hate asking him to do anything. He pointed out that he often has to ask me more than once to do something (I am admittedly forgetful) so why shouldn't I do the same? Because it pains me. Because I have to force myself to ask him to do anything for me at all. Because it feels selfish and just plain wrong.

Neither the Top nor myself likes having a messy living space. We both have our breaking points, the degree of chaos we can tolerate before we jump in and just start manically taking care of things. I reached that point this morning. Similar things have happened before; I am unable to do housework, the Top says he'll do something, time passes and he doesn't, I get sick of it and do it myself, he gets upset with me for doing so. For me, breaking points often involve screaming and/or violence, generally towards myself. This time I screamed.

The Top hates it when I scream. It makes him want to hit me, scream back, tell me to shut up. It makes him feel like I'm a child, that I'm incapable of handling my problems. Then I get upset because after 2.5 years of being together, I would think that he'd have adapted somewhat to this. But then, I've seriously regressed emotionally in the past year or so. We've discussed this. He knows I've become less mature, capable, independent, largely because of our relationship. These are characteristics he has cultivated in me, characteristics that make him think less than of me. He has expressed astonishment when I have told him that there have been times in my life I have worked full-time, paid my own bills, exercised regularly.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I know I'm not doing something he approves of, or wants for me. I feel like I can't come out ahead. I feel like I'm in the wrong no matter what.


topthemonkey: (Default)

October 2012

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