Feb. 4th, 2010

topthemonkey: (submissive)
We haven't made any public posts lately, but there have been several private ones. In a way, I think this violates what we set out to do, the openness we strive for; on the other hand, some things we're not ready to be open about yet.

I've started dating a woman who also lives in Silicon Valley. I am quite taken with her. My burgeoning relationship with her has caused a great deal of conflict with the Top. But it's good, in a way, I think, because it forces to the surface assumptions we had both made regarding our relationship. Things we need to talk about, adjustments we might need to make. I feel often like I don't know who I am anymore, and I don't like that. I struggle with becoming more independent, something he encourages, partly because there are specific ways he wants me to do this, other ways he wants me to remain very dependent.

And what "polyamory" means to both of us. I understand now why he has always pushed to have me be a part of scenes he has with other partners, why he has never taken me up on the just-them time I so often offered. To the Top, us being poly means bringing other people into our relationship. This is usually awkward for me, as I have little to no sexual and/or romantic interest in any of his other partners. I don't mind hanging out in a group, but I do mind sitting awkwardly on the couch reading a book while he gets his dick sucked, for example. It certainly doesn't help that we basically live in a studio apartment.

To me, poly means having more than one relationship, whether those other relationships involve one or both of us. My new relationship doesn't involve him. I'd love it if they could be friends, but I am deeply uncomfortable with the idea of making her part of my relationship with the Top. He would need her to be submissive to him, something she has no interest in doing. She has no interest in male partners other than her primary. I don't think they would "click" the way we have, and to try to force us all together would be incredibly problematic.

He has so much anger inside, regarding this, and I have so much fondness for her. It hurts. I am fiercely determined to walk away from neither of them. Whether either of them walks away from me is their choice, but I don't believe they will. The other night I seriously thought about what would happen to me if the Top and I weren't together anymore. I didn't like those thoughts or the feelings they inspired.

The Top and I are going to have a Talk(tm) and try to work out some of the bigger issues this has all brought to the forefront.

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