topthemonkey: (Default)
[personal profile] topthemonkey
Last night the Top got very upset about the amount of clutter we have around the apartment. We define clutter differently, I think. He wants surfaces to be bare. He wants all papers put away. We have really limited space within the apartment and I will be the first to admit that my books are the primary problem right now. I need to let go, put more of them back in our storage unit along with one of the bookcases. I need to use the storage unit more often.

But the piles of paper are what really gets to him. So much of it is papers that need to be filed. So much of it is mine.

I've been kind of a crappy slave since we got run over, and though he has told me to take it slow, I know he's not pleased. He doesn't understand why I don't take pain killers, even if it's just Tylenol, when I'm, y'know, in pain. A big part of it is, frankly, I'm scared. I have a history of abusing pharmaceuticals and an extremely addictive personality. Another part of it is, taking them makes me feel weak.

I know the Top's upset last night wasn't entirely due to the clutter. I know it's because he cannot stand not feeling in control of his life, and his surroundings and me are what he most often uses to feel back in control. And right now, I think, he doesn't feel entirely in control of me. I've met a few people I'm starting to develop . . . something with, one in particular. And that makes the Top feel insecure, which hurts me, but I try to reassure him. I mean, that's at least what I think is going on lately.
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October 2012

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