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[personal profile] topthemonkey

Edit:I wrote this late at night in an odd brain state, but I think I can put an executive summary on it.

  • I'm telling the monkey no more sleepovers with the girlfriend until further notice, you can do as many day trips as you like, but at night your place is with me. At least for now.
  • I'll give her occasional sleepovers, but it will be a reward, not something she should ask for. And it may be a while before I'm at that point.
  • She's got to get her collar back on.
  • She's been doing better, but I still need to see more effort on some things, mainly health-related.

Previous angst goes here:

Note: It's late, and I'm doing stream of consciousness here, so this may be less than coherent.

The monkey is off with her girlfriend.

I'm at work at 4amalmost 7am. Not because I have much to do, but because I am fucking dreading -- to the point of being near tears -- the thought of going home to an empty bed.

I have, in the past, expressed venom at the monkey's new Girlfriend, and I no longer think the girlfriend deserves this, I feel the venom is being childish and unfair.

But the rest of it? What I'm feeling now? Right now, I'd like nothing more than to drag the monkey to the playspace, and unload on her: I call this "stressballing", and I normally won't do it to a person. Unless the agression I'm feeling is actually toward them. And it is.

The monkey and I texted earlier, it went something like:

     Me: I still hate this.    
     Her: You gave permission.    
     Me: I hate that response, too.    
     Her: What should I say?    
     Me: "I'm sorry sir, I shouldn't have asked, I'll try to stop doing things that make you feel this way."    
     Her: I'm sorry I make you feel bad but you said you'd work thru this and it would just take time.

Yes, I did. And I've been wrong before. I think I'm either wrong about this entirely, or we don't understand the approach curve enough.

I still feel like I'm losing her, like she's becoming a person different from the one I love.

I let her go out of state to have sex with another person, after hearing how he's "all about the protection". He wasn't, came inside her 'I lost count' how many times. She smoked pot while she was back there too, and her defense the whole time was that I said "have fun" or "do what you want" in disgust. Yup, I'm the enabler.

She still isn't wearing her collar. Things that I've previously outlined as "expected behaviors for being allowed to go see your girlfriend" still don't seem to be happening to the degree I'd like them to. She managed to refill her meds, but there've been other things: a library book that I'd hoped would be back by now (I'm returning it on the way home), medical appointments, therapy appointments, etc. I'd be (pleasantly) surprised to find that she was keeping up on keeping her body shaved, but I doubt it. I ran out of laundry AGAIN this week.

I feed her. I clothe her. I house her. I'm about to start paying for her cellphone. I provide healthcare. I try to be patient when she screams in the night, and I deal with the PMDD and the near-screaming agitation that comes with "my tits are too big", or "I can't find my shirt". I really do try to be comforting and hold her and act like I understand these problems, when in reality I don't understand why they're a problem any more than she'd understand a segmentation fault. I'm in the process of paying ungodly medical bills for her, and me. Sleepovers...is asking too much right now. I need her there at night.

I'm supposed to be in charge in this relationship: why can't I simultaneously have her by my side every night AND not feel guilt for demanding that?

Perhaps, if I'd been introduced to the girlfriend and we'd done SOME thing together (I have no idea what interest the three of us have in common), I might feel okay with sleepovers, say...three to six months into the relationship, as opposed to "on the third date".

Maybe if "no sleepovers" were something that was clear from the outset, that they're something that I determine when I'm okay with, this could be worked out, but to be fair I did NOT see this coming. And I am still REALLY angry that after I express the way they make me feel, she still asks at all.

I'm a pretty gregarious person, and believe in many cases that by asking, the worst a person can say is "no". In this case, I feel the net result of "yes" is worst than the net result of "no", which in turn would be worse than the net result of just not asking.

I think I'd be so much happier if I had said "day trips are all you get for right now". I mean, I work predictably late, and hell, I even get down to that area a couple times a week so things could be arranged easily. (As a side effect, the Day Trip theory would mean she'd have to get up in the morning to make the most of it, and I could drop her off at the train station in the morning).

And my mind goes more and more to the fact that, after I've gotten as comfortable as I have with having her being by my side every night as a CONSTANT, if I can't have that, I might as well prepare myself for the worst, and just start prepping to be without her. I fear that the answer isn't that I'll get comfortable with it, but that I'll just decide it's my way or the highway. I tend to be very polar on many things, and this is (to put it in CS terms) the leftmost bit on a signed int: it's NOT the bit she wants to flip.

With the same hurtful certainty that I was able to tell another of my subordinates "No, I don't love you", I can tell the monkey I do love her: this is not in question, but the goal of giving her anything I can think of that makes her feel more fulfilled is both hurting me, and giving her a get-out-of-guilt-free card, and for what I'm investing, I feel I deserve better than that.

I should not have to feel what I'm feeling right now. And I should NOT just have to suck it up and deal.

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October 2012

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