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Note: this entry was started december 3rd. At that time, the monkey had not yet departed for the holidays. Much else seems still time-relevant although some of it has come to resolution. Other things are more pogniant now.

I admit that in the past I've written some mean and at some points bitter things here. And I'll further admit that I haven't been blogging lately, because when I write upset things, the monkey worries about how other people will see her.

Our sex life is fairly diminished to the point of her getting me off before bed. We don't "play". Our local playspace has closed down and there's some "issues" with the other one, in the city. I feel disappointed enough in so many other times we've tried to play that have ended badly, that there's a number of things I can't be bothered to try.

She recently made friends with a couple at a coffee shop in the city, and started playing with them regularly. She did things that I wasn't okay with, and things that I would have told her "absolutely not" had I been asked about them beforehand, which I feel I should have been. But I wasn't. When she asked about "can we do knifeplay" she wasn't clear on the fact that they'd also be doing deliberate marking and scarification. They did pattern-based knifeplay that, nearly a month later, looks as though it's going to scar. She was having penetrative sex with one of then when the condom broke, and I wasn't told until a few days later, after being woken up from a dead sleep.

She continued to ask for sleepover time with them, even after sending me a text that said "Don't want anymore sleepovers for a while, too much time away from you." Even when she made plans and I told her, outright, to break them, that I needed her there tonight, she went to them. And I went for the Nyquil, because it was easier than trying to address the disappointment to someone who wasn't listening.

I told her I don't want her to see them anymore, and she hasn't, but I still feel like I've lost something. I look at the marks on her, and it feels like she's not mine, and I just see disappointment, bordering on disgust. I don't feel either she nor her new partners have been responsible people, and I feel they've done damage, both to her own body as well as in my trust and feelings for her that may never heal.

At one point, I blurted out that I think we should just break up. I stated just a few minutes later, that I was in no place to be making any decisions at that point and didn't mean it. It's crossed my mind, how things would be different, how things would be easier, how things would be harder. I dwell on those thoughts when I'm alone and out of touch with her.

She's gone back to the other coast for the holidays. I'll be alone for Christmas and New Years, and I'm dreading it already. I thought I had made my expectations and wishes clear on that front clear as well (that we'd go together, after the first of the year) but she has her emotional and familial reasons for wanting to travel now. I fear that eventually I'm either going to start suffering serious depression, or I'm going to turn into a workaholic and spend every night at my office till 5am, only sleeping when exhaustion forces me to.

The monkey recently sat and let her hair be shaved down, partially as my own assertion that she's mine, and partially as an allowance to go see her play-partners (this was before I told her not to see them anymore), and I recognize the sacrifice that that represented for her. But there's other things she could be doing, some of them so trivial: "I want you to walk to the library and return your books", "I want you to apply for some jobs online", "I want you to call your job and ask if they're keeping you on", "I want you to make another appointment with your therapist", "I want recycling to go into my car whenever I get home", "I want the sink empty of dishes every night". None of this is new.

To put a customer service spin on it, my expectations, from a variety of sources and not just the Monkey, aren't being met. I feel incomplete and unsatisfied, and I feel like I work hard and deserve more than this.

As she's at home, I suspect there are at least a couple of people she'll be sleeping with. One of them, her old Dominant (who she never really cleanly broke up with, they're "taking a break"), I am oddly okay with. Another, well, has been discussed before, and we call him "X" here. He's the one that casually forces himself on her, and she complies. More often than not without protection. And I've never been okay with any sexual interaction between them, and have made no mistake about being inexplicably clear on this.

I sent the monkey a text earlier saying "Have you done anything yet this trip that would upset me?". No answer. I wonder.

update: Yes.

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October 2012

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