topthemonkey: (Default)
[personal profile] topthemonkey

Sometimes, I need to just cry.

I'm in a distance relationship, where I'm the mostly-dom half of our D/s pair. I have a high-stress position at work, with no real set hours (things can break any time at all). I run IT for a local convention. I run a webhosting service. I'm head of my household of presently-one, but maybe soon The Monkey will move back.

And every once in a while, things just go horribly wrong, because of other people's lack of planning, because of shit situations, or just plain bad luck, things break.

In 95 percent of the situations, I accept it, move on, solve the problem. Hell, I was hit by a car and woke up in "crisis mode" and started polling the people staring down at me for status updates. Sometimes, the minor things build up in what the author of Hyperbole and a Half calls a sneaky hate spiral, and even then, I cope with it mostly through minor bouts of insomnia, comfort food, and minor amount of self-medication.

But, sometimes, despite months of planning and acceptance that things "will be okay", backup plan on top of backup plan, things go awry, and the reality of "you're not in control here you moron, did you think for a moment you ever really were?" crashes down.

Sometimes, like the main character from fight club, I need cry. I need to trip off the "always in charge" circuit breaker, I need to be put against the fence, flogged till I sob, and made to go to sleep, nose still snotting.

Like a bone that needs to be re-broken to set, I have to occasionally lose control of my life and myself to be able to reclaim it.

This is one of those times. Unfortunately, the subset of people I trust, who are local, and could see myself letting do this is pretty small right now.

Can anyone else identify with this need?


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October 2012

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