topthemonkey: (Default)
I have back and neck problems; scoliosis, the curve of my neck has reversed. I was seeing a chiropracter, but that was just for a month or two. It really helped but insurance only paid for so much. I don't have a special pillow (YET) but I do have a system set up involving pillow propping certain parts of my body up and I've been using a heating pad every night. But I'm still in a lot of pain most days, most of it in my neck. I'm unsure if the collar is contributing to this at all. But I really don't want it to come off.

So, now that you've had it off for other reasons, what do you think?
topthemonkey: (Default)

Apologies in advance, this will be a bit angsty. Skip on if you want to think happy thoughts.

I suffer from the occasional depression, but it's nothing like the monkey's. When I'm depressed, it's situational. There's a distinct cause, and a reason. My depression is event-driven.

This is good because, well, one can easily see that there's an end in sight, or easily rationalize the situation and how to change it.

It's BAD because sometimes, you know the only fix is time. And until that time happens, there's really nothing you can do.

Compare and contrast this with the monkey, where sometimes things will strike without any warning, and sometimes she's so upset (from my perspective at the drop of a hat) that she can't even tell me whats wrong but shakes her head sobbing.

I'm depressed right now. Let me tell you the cause.

The monkey got her first paycheck a few weeks ago. I told her that I wanted nothing from it, that it was hers to spend however she liked. The bulk of it's been spent on plane tickets. She is leaving on Monday to go back home to the other side of the country to spend the holidays with her family.

She loves and misses her family. I dislike my own family. The holidays are a train of rampant alcoholism, guilt, and dysfunction. When I moved out here, I made the decision that the monkey was all the family I needed. She was enough for me.

The monkey knows I don't want her to go. But it's not enough to keep her here. But again, she loves and misses them, and fiscally, it makes more sense for her to travel than it does for her to have one of them come out here.

I'm not at all doubting that seeing her family will be stressful.
Putting up with their own issues (they're not what I'd call 100 percent healthy) will be stressful for her. As will leaving her family to come back here.

She's planning to have sex with other people while she's away, but as long as it's not one certain person, I'm begrudgingly okay with this.

I told her, as I was falling asleep a few nights ago, that a part of me wasn't sure I'd want her back after this. That's not rational, but I can't say a part of me doesn't mean it. I know this is going to suck, and I know that I'm going to be hurting, resentful, and angry throughout it, and I honestly can't guarantee the attitude when I pick her up at the airport is "yay, you're back".

After all, it's only spending the one holiday you don't want to be alone, without the one person I decided was all I needed.

I'm ready to cry right now. I'm ready to scream. But I consider myself a rational person and those aren't in my arsenal. What is in my arsenal, is self-medication. I can sit up every night worrying, and angsty, or I can spend the next three weeks nursing alcohol, nyquil, and anything else I can find; not out of some desire to "forget", but because for those three weeks, while the rest of my friends will be happy together, I can get my grinch on.

I'm also mostly broke for the next ten days, so it's going to be a lot of go-straight-home-and-don't-spend-money. Thankfully, I've got a large stockpile of alcohol and over-the-counters.

So for anyone who knows me personally, I'm going to be a miserable, nasty, reclusive person for a while. Don't take it personally.

Merry fucking christmas.

reminders

Dec. 4th, 2009 02:50 pm
topthemonkey: (submissive)
Most days I think of my relationship with the Top as a partnership. He wants input, he wants to know how I'm feeling, and he genuinely does take my thoughts and feelings into consideration. When someone says that I'm not a *real* slave because of this, I point out that it is his prerogative to do what he likes. And it is.

Most days I think of my relationship with the Top as a partnership.

Most days.

Some days, I am reminded that I, as he puts it, "wear the jingly ring of do-what-I-tell-you." He says it playfully but the reality is not always playful. Sometimes being a slave means more than doing all the chores and bending over for a spanking. Sometimes it means facing up to the fact that my life is not my own anymore. And sometimes, that's a rough realization. I may be afforded the semblance of freedom at times, but I am far from free.

Please do not misunderstand. I do not want to give this up. It's just . . . it's not always easy or simple or what I expected.
topthemonkey: (Default)
I like to have a good, powerful orgasm before making any major decision. Let me explain why.

Long before the monkey and I got together, I had a problem, one that plagued me.
I was a kinky person. Except when I orgasmed.
I enjoyed feelings of both being dominant and submissive. Except post orgasm.
And the ironic thing is, the more powerful the orgasm, the more powerful the post-orgasm-kink-aversion.

I've previously called this "the vanilla flip." What would be hot and intense one moment, as soon as I orgasm, would immediately feel wrong or even disgusting. Pain tolerance would drop, things that were appealing even a few seconds ago would halt, and I'd have a desire to be cleaned up, warm, and normal; wanting to do nothing more than eat and relax, not feeling sadistic but instead feeling gentle and nurturing. And, of course, wanting to go to sleep.

In my submissive senses, I would often tell dominant types that the best way to humiliate me would be to put me in a compromising position (restrained, uncomfortable, about to be marked), then to get me off while doing it, but force me to go through with whatever it was. For this reason, making me "clean up after myself" (that is, swallow what I had just secreted) was an exceptionally strong fantasy of mine, a measure by which I held dominants; after all, they had to have enough of a mental draw to me that even in my most vanilla mindset, I could still do what I was told.

The couple of times in the past I've gotten body modifications for dominant types (for those who care, my nipples have been pierced twice), both times I was ordered not to get myself off until it was done. If allowed to do so beforehand, the idea of enduring that pain for another person wouldn't have appealed to me.

Part of my interest in chastity play, at least when I represented the submissive side of relationships, was because it allowed a partner to keep me in a single frame of mind, and as long as I stayed in that frame of mind it appealed to me, like a magnetic switch that kept itself turned on.

Since becoming involved with the monkey, our life has more or less become a fairly regular dynamic, with me fairly regularly on top. (Uh, like, always? Like that defines our relationship?) I don't go through these changes (what changes are you referring to?) most of the time. I usually don't let her do anything that causes me to feel too submissive, and I've managed to transform my major erogenous zones to be triggering of the mindset of general kink instead of being spots that would lead me to feeling submissive if stimulated.

However, there are still odd elements to our relationship. I wake up feeling both kinky, and aroused. The monkey....does not. When the monkey wakes up, she's usually in a pretty "just want to eat and pee" headspace. Whereas I just want to roll her over and use her. Which, y'know, is your right.

But often, before making a major decision involving the relationship, before bringing in another person or making some change to status or to some major purpose, I like to compare my thoughts on a matter both at my most kinky, and at my least, both when I'm tired, and when I'm awake.
Sometimes if I'm angry, I like to push myself through the various phases and see if I'm still angry throughout all of them.

When I woke up this morning, I poked the monkey to take her meds, and she revealed to me that she had taken them in the early morning; she had stayed up all night. This has been a regular problem recently, and while I haven't been ORDERING her to come to bed, I've been making it clear, I think, that I'm not happy with this behavior (especially considering she wasn't ever happy going to bed without me). Yes, it's been clear, but I've been struggling with some things that have been directly affecting my sleep schedule. I haven't talked to the Top about it because I don't feel I have it adequately sorted out in my head to adequately communicate it. There might be an entry coming from me about this.
I thought for a few minutes, and visualized that I'd wake her up, and sit her down, and give her a piece of paper.


I, the monkey, understand that I have upset my Master by:
  • Staying up all night, repeatedly, to the point where I'm at risk of messing up our schedules.
  • Orgasming without permission while doing the above.
  • Not properly sorting my meds.
  • Not putting out clothes when they need to be.
I understand that as a result of this, my hair is to be cut in a way that pleases my master, and suits my position, and is to be cut down to this length every Sunday, until I gain the privilege back by:
  • Doing at least a half hour of exercise every week day (walking, playing DDR, crunches).
  • Additionally, playing DDR at least once a week in the above. -moan of despair-
  • Working on the studies my Master wants me to learn, at least a half hour a day.
  • Staying on top of Towels, Garbage, Dishes, and Laundry.
  • Getting my library fines sorted out. I can't do this until I get paid.
  • Getting my timesheets at work sorted out. I can't do this until I hear back from the HR person at work.
  • Filling in my daily reports, every day.
  • Sitting and taking my haircuts like a good girl for the next four weeks (today plus three more) I guess this one isn't happening.
Signed:
Date:


And once she signed it, she'd get cuffed, stripped, and buzzed down. I have a pretty good idea of how much I would have done. She'd still have her ponytail, but more along the back and possibly sides would be buzzed to nothing. The style I'm thinking of is called an undercut now that I do a little Google searching. (The pic of the second girl is...in a perfect world, kinda the exact hairstyle the monkey would have, all the time: enough to grab easily, but nothing for gags, blindfolds, or masks to get snagged in). This holds NO appeal for me.

As the thought of such a scene got me rather horny, I proceeded, still half awake, to get myself off and the decision that came as the endorphins soaked my brain was that this was indeed too harsh. (For some reason, a thought that sneaked in there was that a more appropriate response would be to give her a hot, soapy enema instead, but I'm not sure where that came from or if I decided somewhere in there that doing so was also too rough).

At the moment, however, I'm not thinking either treatment is. If I go home and find her asleep, well...time will tell.
He gave me the enema, no hair cut.
topthemonkey: (Default)
I have never engaged in knife play, with the Top or any other partner, but I am very curious about it.

Knife play used to be a hard limit, due to my past issues with self-injury (cutting) but over the years I've gotten more and more curious.

I have a "thing" for knives. They turn me on. I'm not entirely sure where this comes from. I was a lot more comfortable with it when I was a teenager, then not so comfortable when my cutting got more frequent and severe, and I guess now I'm back to comfortable.

There is one knife that we do not own but just the thought if its tip trailing along my body gets me squirming. Gil Hibben's "The Jackal" notable for its use in Star Trek Nemesis and season 3 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I'm a huge Buffy fangirl. This is the knife that the mayor gives to Faith when they join forces and, well, I'll not spoil it.

The knife shows up on ebay pretty often, usually for about $250. Of course, now that I have a job and could actually buy it myself I haven't seen it there.

I am hesitant to use the "toys" tag on this entry because it's Faith's knife, it's not like it's just a dildo or something.
topthemonkey: (Default)
The Top and I both belong to a bdsm social networking site. I'm far more active on it than he is, though that's not saying much. Often finances and employment come up in discussion. The Dom(me) out of work and depressed, for example.

I feel kind of guilty when I see those threads.

The Top has a job he loves that pays well. If something were to happen and he lost that job (though I honestly can't fathom what would cause this), he has the skills, experience, and references to get another job in the same pay grade immediately. Plus there is at least one company that's still after him, even though he rejected them.
I got a job but we don't need it to survive. It's for me to buy comics and shoes, pretty much.

I don't know anybody who has NO money issues, but ours are very limited. It's not like I go shopping at Bloomingdale's every weekend or something but I never doubt that we'll have a comfortable place to live, more than enough to eat, excellent insurance.

Sometimes I wonder how much more difficult my service would be were this not the case. "Significantly" is my guess.

I'm really lucky and I know it.
topthemonkey: (cunt churning)
Recently we were at our local dungeon and the Top expressed an interest in using the fucking machine, which looks like this. We hadn't played at all yet that night. Neither of us had ever seen the fucking machine used before. Depending on who is there, you either use your own dildo or put a condom over one of theirs. The Top and I looked at the very limited supply of vac-u-lock dildos. There were more, but nobody there knew precisely where they were kept. It didn't really matter though, because there was this lovely dildo and we purchased that. The Top wanted to use it immediately.

We went to the medical room, the Top got the fucking machine and set it up on the bed. There was a young man sitting across from us and watching us set up, which made me slightly uncomfortable but I didn't want to say anything. The Top ordered me to strip and position myself on my back. I put down a sheet first. I had gotten some water-based lube from one of the safer sex stations, as we had not brought any of our own, and the Top put some of it on my vagina.

Then he basically shoved the dildo inside me with the fucking machine on a very low setting. I gasped, as this was a bit sudden. I told him that it would have been helpful if he had warmed me up a bit first, so he took the dildo out and started to finger fuck me. It was very uncomfortable: he had not trimmed his nails recently, they were pretty long; he wasn't wearing a glove; he wasn't easing me into it at all (which sometimes is fine, but this time it wasn't). It just felt very cold, but not in that hot, I'm going to use you kind of way. So that pretty much just sucked. He stopped and inserted the dildo again, and started the machine on a low setting.

It was really nice. I'm not 100% sure of the order of events, so perhaps the Top can chime in here. I do recall the following things happened: he rubbed my clit a lot; at some point he sucked on my clit; people came in and out of the room; some people stopped and watched; he knelt by my head, fucked my mouth in a way that really hurt my jaw, and jerked off on my chest; and I rubbed my own clit.

At some point he turned the machine up and it was even better. He gave me the control so I could try different settings myself. I had to ask him at least once to add more lube. One time he dripped some water on the area to reactivate the water-based lube, but it was so much water that it soaked the sheet beneath me and was really uncomfortable. At a certain point I told him I wanted to try to orgasm without clitoral stimulation. This MIGHT have worked but there was an electrical burning smell (which turned out to be from the people using the TES unit nearby) and the Top wanted to stop, so we did.

I just sort of laid there for several minutes after, drinking water, breathing deeply, trying to collect myself. When I felt more stable I stumbled naked to the bathroom with my underwear and cleaned up. The Top's cum had dripped into my hair and dried there and the smell was really bothering me so I used the sink to wash my hair. I was really worn out emotionally and physically so we spent the rest of the night in the social area, just sitting on the couches and chatting. I was honestly ready to leave after I finished cleaning myself up, but the Top wanted to stay and help clean up the dungeon after play, which we ended up doing.

The whole thing was very intense and made me feel really vulnerable. Several times I was on the verge of tears, but not because of sadness or happiness. The Top has difficulty understanding this, but from conversations with others I don't think it's so unusual.

The Top really wanted me to have a clitoral orgasm and was disappointed that I didn't. I had several g-spot orgasms, which I almost NEVER have, and I'm sure I would have ejaculated a lot if I had pulled the dildo out at the right time, but I decided against that. I'm not sorry I didn't have any clitoral orgasms, because I loved it and it's not like I can never use the thing again.

Unfortunate outcome: the seal around the base of the dildo took such a beating it's starting to come apart. Not sure if this matters.


THINGS I WOULD DO DIFFERENTLY NEXT TIME:
-Get straws for the water bottles.
-Put the water bottles on the floor next to the bed, not on the mattress.
-Put down more than one sheet.
-Have a blindfold and earplugs handy, though I don't think I'd want to use both of them the entire time.
-Bring rope so I can be tied down at least somewhat and have something to grab onto.
-Ask the Top to use gloves the whole time.
-Foreplay.
topthemonkey: (really)

This isn't a disclaimer per se, I just want to explain a few things. I think this entry portrays me as a pretty crappy slave, and I generally don't think of myself that way. The Top puts more emphasis on my mental illness issues than I would like, both in this entry and in general. I know those who know me well will not do so, but a caveat: please do not take this entry as representative of me as a person and/or slave.  My own disclaimer.: You're not a crappy slave at all.  You're wonderful, and the whole point of this Journal is that people know it.

The monkey was having a hard time with her PMDD a few nights ago, and it came down to her attacking both herself, and me. It was spurred by her telling me not to do something (I think but am not sure I was hitting her butt with a crop, gently), and me laughing about it, because it seemed like a silly request: one I would honor, but the fact that I was smiling, laughing, light hearted, set her off. Actually it was set off by this: The Top took my glasses and was laughing at my squinting. I protested and he told me it was adorable. I was very frustrated.  As I remarked to you on IM just now, it kinda...remined me of Velma from Scooby Doo for reasons I can't quite explain.  I love the little pouty face you make when I take them.  It's the same pouty face you make when I take your nose.  If it's a serious thing, then we'll work it out.

She got really angry, and started biting and pinching me, trying to wrestle it out of my hands. I kept pushing her off, but she kept coming at me, despite my saying no.

After, she wound up on the floor, crying, for several minutes, not liking who she was at all. And I held in things I wanted to say, because I didn't think they'd help. Yelling and screaming wasn't the answer, but neither was laughing (you considered laughing at my crying?). I wanted to tell her "stop crying, you're being ridiculous, get off the floor", but that would have brought tears, so I stood, and watched, and let her cry out. That was kind of depressing, being curled up in a ball on the floor and having you just stand there silently, making no gesture towards me, not offering tissues.  Given what had just transpired, I wasn't sure HOW to react, honestly.  I offered you a paper towel, tho.

It all happened so quickly I can't honestly remember events now, but maybe she'll fill them in.

The next day, when I brought her out of bed, I put her leash on, and as she was using the bathroom I got a set of cuffs, and told her she was going to get her hair cut for attacking me. She immediately said "red". After a moment of trying to convince her otherwise (you said that I was calling red because I did not trust you, which did not jive with my understanding of safewords or trust), to which she replied "you're not honoring red?" I went with it and took the leash off, I didn't have the typical "correct" reaction of saying "there, there, it's allright". I just felt bitter and angry. I don't think there's any "correct" response though perhaps some are more productive than others. Very rarely do you say "there, there, it's all right" when I call "red.No, the response I'm describing is the typical response most people use in red, that we use in Yellow.

In the BDSM context, "red" is supposed to stop an intense scene (I would contend that it is intended to pause whatever activity is going on. "Intense" and "scene" are so subjective I disagree, though.  Think of the attitude it's given at our local playspace.): safewords are mainly used in places where other forms of communication break down, for example, during a flogging screaming "stop," "no," "ow," or crying or struggling. We use it more thoroughly, but she's used it in the past against taking a bath (I don't remember that one), or getting up after not having had enough sleep, or doing things she felt were embarrassing, as opposed to painful. There was context to all of those, and just saying it like that makes me seem like a brat. Also, "red" is not limited to when things are painful; more often than not, when I have called it the reasons have been emotional. Red is also useful when approaching a "hard limit." For us this generally means permanent damage. Her hair is not quite a "hard limit," as such. Though if I had my druthers it would be. This may be something we can talk about.  I don't want to concede it, though.  Your body is mine, love.  We've cut it short before, and I've told her of events that will lose it for her, without question.

Throughout the day, I continued to feel pent-up anger and aggression, and in the evening, I simply stated the sum total of what had been going on inside me. She asked a question about something else (I have no idea what, or if it was at all related), and I realized that the level of honesty was to the point where I needed to say them, and that it wouldn't be damaging to say so, and I said it:

"A real slave would have sat down and taken her punishment like a good girl."

Her response was "are you trying to get a rise out of me?". I explained that I wasn't, that I had just been thinking of how "real" the BDSM element in our relationship felt, discussing it with a friend. Recalling how insulted I had been when another friend had said something to the effect of: "as much as you guys like to claim you're 24/7, you're really not because you don't have complete control over her." I asked other deep questions like "do you like being mine?" and "do you like wearing that collar?" Make no mistake, this has come up in discussion before, what if she no longer wanted that aspect of our relationship (in hypothetical terms, not because I've contemplated leaving I was going to put that, but thought this entry was already getting tangential enough) -- but in this case, there was no doubt that she wanted it.

He also said he wished that I would of my own accord prepare to be shaved down.
I told him that his anger would fade faster than my hair would grow back.  I wasn't doubting that.  Neither should you.  What you should worry about is if my anger fades before I'm done buzzing down your whole scalp. Some time passed, maybe 5-10 minutes, and I was thinking about whether or not I was going to do what he wanted. On her own, and without being ordered, she went over to the bathroom area and took out the hair clippers (we actually use pet-grade clippers, they can tear through the thickest hair better than most home-grade stuff), and got out the handcuffs and the leash. I cuffed her and told her to sit down.

Before I turned on the clippers, she looked at me somewhat defiantly and said "I'm doing this for health insurance". Actually I said that I was earning my health insurance, to which you agreed.  Indeed, my memory was a little fuzzy. I also said that I wasn't sure if the fact that he was willing to risk whatever anger and resentment came was a positive or negative thing.  How much resentment are you feeling? She cried a bit while I did it, but in the end I only buzzed off a few inches at the base of her neck, and then brushed the rest of her hair back and put it in a ponytail.And you were intensely aroused.  I was aroused after.  I don't recall being aroused during.

I have no doubt that if I would have taken more, that she would have grown more upset, and who knows, that day may come at some point. Like some of the most severe punishments our relationship has seen, I didn't want to do a set amount, I wanted to do it until I wasn't angry anymore. The "beat her until I'm not angry anymore" can work out better or worse (on my side) than the set number method. The fact that she took the punishment on willingly...did a lot to alleviate that anger. But I needed also to make it clear this wasn't just a "mindfuck," wasn't just a case of my making her sit down to see if she'd sit.

But this time, I don't think I ever wanted to shave her down to nothing: I like seeing her long hair as a length of how long she's been with me. We've trimmed for some split ends, so really, it's more like "I've been with you at least this long." What I wanted was to see her put on the cuffs (it's a bit tricky to handcuff your own hands behind your back), sit down, and take it like a good girl. I wanted to have her there, helpless, and say "I'm sorry," and know that absolution was there. I wanted her to trust her master instead of calling red as soon as the order was given. And in reading this after I write it, she may once again feel bad about it.

As her master, I need to show her that I've given it chance after chance, but that I need to push, ever gently, on the rules here, and hold her to them. That's the problem, though. If it happens and you don't punish me, over and over again, of course I'm not going to take threats of punishment seriously. We discussed this.  Which is why I was annoyed at your calling red.  It does not work well for me. She's expressed this. I told her while she was showering that after it had grown in, if she did it again, I'd shave off the same spot, and if she more bad things before then, I'd just take more. I would much rather let her slide on dishes being left in the sink on a night she went to bed sick, than let this go by. Yes, she was in extreme emotional circumstances, but that explains it, not excuses it.

Make no mistake, if I find her doing something like using drugs, or deliberately not taking her meds, or something like that, I won't hesitate to take everything, but having it groomable is a work-related thing, to at least some degree, and it does affect her self esteem. It's not self-esteem exactly. It's really complicated. If I wanted to damage that, I could of course be evil and strike fear into her with the words "reverse mohawk" or "mullet."

In short, I believe there would have been far less angst if she'd have tried hard to believe that I understand her attachment to her hair, and understand the relationship between it and her self-esteem. See above. One of the things she needs to understand is that I'd rather -- much rather -- have us both know that all's forgiven, but she's going to look a little less like she wants to, than have us see each other in ways we don't want the other to see. I would rather look at her and see a girl who made a mistake that will take a few months to fully fade, but whom I forgive fully now. The physical matches the emotional, and it makes sense to me.

Note carefully that I've told her if she wants to dye her hair, that she may (after discussing it with me) but after she does, once her roots start coming in, she's getting buzzed down to nada. Because she's as attached to her hair as she is, she hasn't tried using it to "buy" anything with it, although if she did, it might work. I never even thought of that. That's not really how my mind works.

From a slightly more kinked perspective, I like the concept of this kind of haircut. It's something I associate with learning, and privilege. It's an extreme change of appearance that leaves no permanent damage. New slaves are "fuzzy," and longer hair comes with age, experience, and time. You earn your long hair by not making the mistakes that cause you to lose it, or in a more extreme sense, because you're required to cut it regularly. I also like it because it counters some of the norms of traditional beauty, at least to some degree: reference Natalie Portman's character in V for Vendetta, or in a more extreme example, Britney Spears. (To be fair, Natalie looked hot, Britney didn't, but the pics of Britney were pretty badly candid.) And I'd be lying if I said I didn't love the feel of it under my fingers.

I wonder sometimes, what will happen if it gets worse with age. I love her dearly, and know that she loves me. I know that sometimes when TheCrazy sets in, it's easy to lose sight of that. She's already on a cocktail of medications, and I'm loathe to add in Yet Another to the mix, when many forms of birth control could cancel out existing medications.

I need to get a pic of the back of her head put up before it grows out too much.

topthemonkey: (Default)
Chores are more fun in my black open-toed 6-inch stilettos. They didn't even tear my yoga mat! It was amusing to have to bend down to do dishes, but somehow my chest STILL got wet, just in addition to my stomach.

Music I listened to via youtube video that inspired much gyrating of my flat, bony booty included (click on the title and it takes you to the youtube video, click on the artist and it takes you to their Wikipedia page): "Sugar" by Ladytron; "Agenda Suicide" by The Faint; "He Said She Said" by Ashley Tisdale; "Can't Speak French" by Girls Aloud; and "Something Kinda Ooh" also by Girls Aloud.

I was directed to "Sugar" and "Agenda Suicide" when reading the archives of the blog Stripper Hates You.

I heard "He Said She Said" the other day when watching Bring It On 3: In It To Win It with my headphones on so as not to bother the Top, who is not NEARLY as fond of the Bring It On movies as I am. It's the credits song and I liked it so much I played it again immediately, this time so the Top could hear it as well whille I danced around the apartment.

on facials

Sep. 4th, 2009 01:32 pm
topthemonkey: (facial)
I've seen quite a few articles recently on facials. For those of you who don't know (I try not to make assumptions) and don't feel like clicking on the link, a facial involves a man ejaculating onto someone else's face. This practice is extremely popular in mainstream, heterosexual porn. Anti-porn people deride the facial as degrading, normalizing the humiliation of women. I think the reason facials show up so often in porn is manifold. It is proof that the man actually did climax, a viceral indication. I've heard it's safer than ejaculating in an orifice, less likely to transmit diseases, but I'm not sure about that.

I think the danger, as with any pornography, comes when consumers cannot distinguish between fantasy and reality. I have known many stupid young men who form their ideas of what sex should look like from mainstream porn. No, you didn't see him put the lube on her anus, but trust me, it's there. All women do not shave their genitalia. That said, I think porn can give people ideas they might like to try out themselves, and I don't see why facials couldn't be one of those ideas.

Violet Blue's "this week’s SF Chronicle column: sperm facials in high-end NYC salons" wherein she links to the article she wrote. The only reason I'm linking to her blog post about the article is because of that great picture, which I used for my icon. The actual article is here: The Skinny on Spermine: Not Exactly Snake Oil. Violet Blue: Straight guys getting sperm facials "for science." In my experience, sperm is a great moisturizer, so this makes sense. However, the substance Spermine does not contain actual sperm. How misleading. The article she refers to in the title is "Spermboarded" by Marty Beckerman. I wasn't entirely comfortable with Beckerman's article. I felt it was a bit, ew, sperm! I'm a man and there's sperm on my face! tehehe.


On to the more controversial articles. Many of them references each other, so I'm posting them in chronological order.

Facials: Are They Demeaning? by Jessica Wakeman Wakeman's answer: not inherently. I concur.


Semen Facials Are Like Weddings by Amanda Hess
The last paragraph sums Hess' article up very well: See, facials are like weddings. We all know that the institution of marriage is one of the patriarchy’s all-time greatest hits, in which women are sold into sexual slavery from father to husband in exchange for livestock. And yet, who derives the greatest joy from weddings? Women! It’s the craziest thing. . . even though we all know it’s sexist as fuck, weddings—like facial ejaculation—still make some people happy. And feminists deserve to be happy, too. But that doesn’t mean we should forget about the sexist tropes that sometimes inform our happiness (and our sex lives).

I think Hess grossly oversimplifies the debate over facials. Facials can make people happy, EVEN feminists, but watch out for that patriarchal influence! In other words, do what you want but it's worth thinking about why you want it.


HOW INTERNET PORN IS CHANGING TEEN SEX: Forget awkward fumblings in the back of the bus. Junior's thinking more along the lines of reverse-cowgirl anal
I am irked that the writer makes references to studies zie does not directly cite (e.g. Pornypornporn in The Journal of Porn December 2008) so there's no real why the reader can verify the information besides trying to Google key words.
Considering the standard climax to even the most vanilla hard-core scene today, that means there is an entire generation of young people who think sex ends with a money shot to the face.
I've not personally met any of these people, but that's not to say they don't exist. Still, I found this article a little too big on the generalizations.


I Blame Porn by BeckySharper
Now, I'm not going to tell anyone that their kinks are wrong. (Except she's totally about to.) . . .If you like having dudes come on your face or you like being completely hairless, that's your perogative. But let's not deceive ourselves, these behaviors are strictly porn-inspired. They were not mainstream until recently, and it's perfectly clear that they are tied directly to the rise of DVD and internet porn. If a 22 year old woman likes them, chances are it's because she's been told--by her peers, by the porn industry, by clueless dudes who consume too much porn--that these are the things she should like.
Perhaps this is because I'm 25 and not 22, but I really don't think my fondness for facials is because my peers, male lovers, and porn have told me I should dig jizz on my face.

Madison Young is the first to respond to the article and here's an excerpt of her comment: There are plenty of queers and non-queer women who enjoy messy sex and enjoy female ejaculate, male ejaculate, piss and other fluids. This is an intimate sexual play to be fluid bonded. And to me it exhibits not an act of degradation but a deep hunger and lust for your partner that is so great that you want to swallow all of them, including their cum which is a physical manifestation of this persons release of pleasure. Why wouldn't you want to gobble that up? Why wouldn't you want to have that closeness with your partner? Actually, I have to be feeling pretty darn submissive to "gobble" those fluids up, and the taste can be a huge turn-off, but I definitely see what she's saying.

The thing is, I actually LIKE "female ejaculate, male ejaculate, piss and other fluids" because I find it degrading and humiliating. Andrea Dworkin (who I actually love, despite the fact that she is staunching anti-pornography) said, "It is a convention of pornography that the sperm is on her, not in her. It marks the spot, what he owns and how he owns it. The ejaculation that is on her is a way of saying (through showing) that she is contaminated with his dirt; that she is dirty." I don't think this has to be the case, but it is with me, and that's a big part of WHY I like it.


I (Still) Blame Porn: A Response by BeckySharper
The first article by Sharper has 111 comments as of this post, and Sharper felt the need to respond in another article. She mostly reinforced and defended her previous points, though she was a bit clearer. The comments to this article are worth reading if only because friend of TopTheMonkey Courtney Trouble made a great reply.
topthemonkey: (Default)
I feel like this has been the story of my life since we moved to California.
topthemonkey: (Default)
I made a post similar to this awhile ago, but this list is far more comprehensive. Name of store, location, specialty if any. Not all of the stores I would consider feminist, and some do sell unsafe toys, so if it says it's made of jelly, don't buy it. Not all of them have online shops. Some of them are on etsy and those are going to have a very narrow selection, but hey, you're supporting super small businesses.

the list! )
topthemonkey: (Default)
Sex can be so frustrating.

Sometimes, it's really difficult for me to reach orgasm. I've grown to accept this over the years. I can be stimulated, not reach orgasm, and still enjoy myself. I can even try to reach orgasm and not, and still enjoy myself. I often feel guilty when that happens, though. My partners are overwhelmingly male and they overwhelmingly take my not orgasming as a sign that they've done something wrong, they've failed in some way, everything leading up to that was wasted, etc. And sometimes they project all that insecurity onto me, and blame me for it.

Often pain and pleasure are conflated for me. One slight adjustment of the nipple clamps (or any slight physical adjustment) and the pain can become more than I want at that time. I'm usually pretty okay with that. If you want me to orgasm, however, that's going to take me a few steps back. My pain tolerance fluctuates, even moment to moment, as does my desire for pain. It can be frustrating for any and all involved parties, but really only if all the emphasis is on my achieving orgasm.

People put a lot of emphasis on the finish line. It's really not about that for me. It's stressful when my partner makes it all about the finish. Is someone tired, thirsty, hungry, getting a cramp? We can stop. It's not a marathon. You're allowed to take breaks. You're allowed to stop altogether.

You know what makes for a good "performance"? Being giving. Allowing yourself to receive. Not taking it too seriously. I'm not saying orgasms aren't good. I like having them. I like having a lot of them. I'm not saying they should be completely incidental. But they're also not the be-all end-all of sex.
topthemonkey: (Default)

Originally Started: 2009-08-06 20:19:18

When I say "large router" I mean in a rolling box the size of a refrigerator.

We were moving it in a large pickup truck, and no less than three coworkers (two of whom were above me in the chain of command) wryly complimented the pretty multi-colored rope (dark blue and orange MFP) I had found to secure the stuff.

Am I that transparent?

topthemonkey: (Default)

Originally Started: 2009-08-13 17:37:27

I resurfaced a massage table (which had a 6" gash in it previously, exposing the padding) at our local playspace yesterday.

I'm about 85 percent happy with the work I did, although a better tool to have onhand might have been a canvas stretcher. I'm a little annoyed I didn't get before and after pictures, but in rebuilding this, I've managed to see how REMARKABLY simple a thing is to construct, and how easily I could build the same myself with four pieces of "leg stock", minimal hardware, a single plank, and a piece of plywood.

If I felt like really going out, I could try to copycat it with hardwoods, or well-stained pine, or actual "turned" legs.

Either way, I've since had a chance to test it in, ahem, more serious use. And the person laying on it (the monkey) claims it's much nicer than before (I used some pretty top-shelf pleather on it).

topthemonkey: (Default)

a friend is in the area, interested in meeting up for lunch

Me: I don't often get to that part of the city, but I own property in the area...who can recommend a place for foodz.
Him: That was a beautiful ellipses.
topthemonkey: (Default)

This is what I just sent to the owner of sub-shop.com

Autumn,

I just received my most recent order from sub-shop.com, after waiting on a few backordered pieces. It wasn't worth the wait.

I realize most of the things I bought are sale items, at a close-out rate (and probably discontinued from here on out), but I have several things I picked up from you a few years ago, and the quality of items sold is just not what it used to be.

The plastic ballgag trainer you sold: I can tell why it's on sale. But what your site doesn't do is allow customers to provide feedback, or make notes about comfort of one item over another (more expensive one). I've since modified it to remove the plastic ball, and I'll probably be putting my own ball or bit in.

Your current "web of desire" training collar is made of a fairly rough material, and the work is pretty shoddy. The material's misaligned, not cut straight, the thread colors aren't even a close match. The material's also much rougher and less wearable. While no photo exists that can let you "feel" the materials, I'll probably go through in my blog and do a side-by-side photo comparison of other aspects later.

Looking at a model from a few years ago, when it was available only in black, made by a company called "Bondo", they were much better. (Do you have contact info for them? I'd like to get more from them.)

I notice the same thing in my cuffs. The first cuffs I ever bought from you in mid-2000 were comfortable and saddle-soft, although I've since had some parts replaced. Subsequent ones were rougher and not as wearable (and I'd since contacted you about it.)

I realize you've had to grow quite a bit, as BDSM got more popular. I also realize there's margin decisions being made here, and the economy is hard.

Anyway, while I'll be picking up the occasional sale, I don't think I'll be recommending sub-shop anymore, to anyone.

-Me

topthemonkey: (submissive)
This is the second post concerning our recent trip to the local dungeon.

The Top put me in suspension cuffs and attached them to a chain hanging from the ceiling. He began to use various toys on me. It had been a long time since we played, and I was unused to that kind of pain. It wasn't terribly easy for me to take, though I wanted it very much. I started to feel a bit restless, wanted to jump away but wanted more, wanted to give the Top a side kick that would knock him on his ass, wanted to be fully restrained so I couldn't twist away from the lashes.

This is generally what I mean when I say I feel “triggered” during a scene. I want more pain but I also feel this anger and violence building inside me.

I growled at the Top a bit but he moved around more in where he was hitting and that subsided. After I let him know that my shoulders were hurting (trying to be conscious of such things due to chiropractor) he moved me to a St. Andrew's cross, secured me, and worked on me some more. This time I got triggered more strongly, but I tried to analyze the cause. In my previous relationship, I do not recall having this reaction. Wanting more pain, perhaps in an unhealthy way, yes; but not feeling violent.

And that's when, sobbing on the cross, I had my revelation. OK, more like two revelations, but closely related. If I concentrate very hard, I can rise above the violent feelings and just ride the pain. I can redirect my self-harm feelings, sublimate them. I can breathe and push and make it through and not do anything threatening towards the Top at all.

I thought, why do I get so angry at the Top during these times? Why do I feel so violent towards him? In the past, all the anger was self-directed. What changed? And when I considered this next thought, it felt like everything else in the world just dropped away: what if I get angry towards the Top at these times because I'm repressing anger I feel (not necessarily towards him) in my life in general, and this is when my subconscious feels it can release that anger? Being beaten is when I'm stripped down emotionally and if anger is being masked beneath the surface, it's going to show up at these times.

Once I realized that, it felt like I could let go, and I didn't feel violent any more. It would probably be useful to figure out WHY I'm angry and how I can deal with my anger in a healthy way.
topthemonkey: (Default)
During the sex scene in Watchmen Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" is playing.

me: Epic song to fuck to.
The Top agrees.
me: It's only like 3 minutes though.
The Top: That's about how long I take.
me: You could put it on repeat . . .
The Top: For you.
topthemonkey: (Default)
This started as a reply to a comment to the Top's entry here, but regarding both of our entries concerning our trip to the dungeon. I felt it deserved its own post.

Our relationship and aspects thereof tends to be misunderstood in a few different ways by friends and acquaintences, usually depending on their level of interest/involvement/experience in bdsm. The misunderstandings of vanilla friends and acquantiences tend to be those that most any kinky couple would encounter: issues of consent, abuse, that sort of thing. Once you get to the kinky folks though, it gets a bit more varied. Often the authenticity of a D/s or M/s relationship is judged by the degree of (perceived) control the upper-case partner has over the lower-case one. This brings me to the comment.


No, zie did not question the authenticity of our relationship. Zie did, however, bring up some issues regarding the power distribution and control within the relationship. Summarizing, zie said that the two entries read like a power struggle between us, gave the impression that I didn't enjoy the trip, was bitter, and that because the Top controls me, I feel it's my right to control other things, at the cost of my submission to the Top.


Control is an issue in anyone's life, to a certain extent, and the Top and I have our own, ah, quirks in this regard. When either of us feels very anxious and/or overwhelmed, our instinct is to exert control over those areas which we can control. I think this is typical of most people. At my most unhealthy, this manifests as an urge to self-harm. At my most healthy, this manifests as an urge to clean. The M/s nature of our relationship adds an interesting layer to all this.

Technically, being a slave and all, whatever control I have in my life is the Top's choice. He has not set any parameters like "I will never exert control over your professional life" or such, though I know of M/s couples where this is the case. We navigate together and often there is compromise, which I'm sure many people feel does not belong in a relationship such as ours. I strive to always be conscious of the Top's needs and wants and to put those before my own. The Top strives to take mine into consideration, and do what he feels is best.

The Top wants to be kept abreast of my feelings/emotions as they occur. I am not allowed to lie to him. More than honesty, he wants transparency. It is then his choice what he does with the information. If he wants me to do something, asks me how I feel, and I tell him I don't want to do it, he can order me or let it go. I earnestly want to serve the Top, submit to him, please him. That doesn't mean I'm never going to have any other feelings, just that I try to voice but not act on them.


So no, I'm not bitter at all, yes, I enjoyed myself very much once we actually started playing. There was no power struggle in the entries or in real life, there never has been.

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