topthemonkey: (Default)

Yes, I decided that for a) not being more on top of her meds and b) killing time I could be spending at work and c) REALLY not being on top of her meds, the monkey needed to be punished.

One of the things I stress to the Monkey is that my job IS critical to our relationship, and working in IT means odd hours, long hours, leaving in the middle of the night to code because that's when it can get done... Ergo, pulling me away from the office during business hours, is BAD.

I made her strip down to nothing, right in the kitchen, and then I bent her over the back of the couch, held her by the collar with my left hand, and bare-handed her what had to be fifteen or twenty times, on the right ass-cheek. She screamed, she howled, and a few times she started to lose her footing but I ordered her to stay in position, and she did.

Afterward, she had this attitude come over her. I call the attitude "the dark place". She gets narrow-eyed, spiteful, questions everything. Says things that make me doubt the relationship. Things like "is this what you wanted?" and "are you happy now" and (between sobs) "I want to go home". Everything about her; her tone, her demeanor, her body language...they all change. And honestly, when she becomes That Person (it's a mood shift, not like multiple personalities)...I just want to slap her down until she becomes the sweet, submissive, loving girl I adopted.

At one point, she was clawing into my breast, scratching, and I told her, outright: "You know what I'm going to take away if you attack me. (She'll lose her hair). Put your hand down." She did. Eventually, it was over, and I allowed her to take two of her panic attack medicine, which should have her out for the rest of the night. She tells me she wants to take it when she feels like hurting herself -- and I'm all in favor of that, but more often than not, rather than resorting to the crutch of the drug (and eight to twelve hours of drooling sleep), I try to push her through it. Tonight, I couldn't be there (I'm back at work, making up for lost time) -- and I couldn't be sure she'd be okay. I still dislike it. I've pulled her out of spots before where she just wanted to take it and go to sleep.

I see that drug as a parachute. If you're in a nosedive, it can save you before you crash...but you still lose something.

After, while she was making dinner for herself (I wanted her to eat something before she slept), she accused me of being "black and white". Either not punishing her at all, or punishing every little infraction. I countered with the fact that no, meds are just so singularly important. Our very first meeting was influenced by her needing to take those panic drugs, and not having them on her. You bet your ass (no pun intended) I'm going to be rigid about prescribed medications. She said "she felt like she was being beaten every other day." And again I countered that right now her contract only has one clause. The only other punishment she's gotten was for not bringing her nightmare drugs to a slumber party two hours away (note, again, that it's med related). I remarked that she needs to take more responsibility for her drugs now, as previously her parent handled all the refills and insurance and copayments, and now it MUST be her.

So she ate, and we cuddled. I tried to take her collar off, because I didn't want her to feel trapped by it. She begged me not to, and I left it on. I held her as the drug took effect, as she started to trail off. I brought her up to my room, and she stripped and went to bed, tethered and clad in only underwear.

I love her dearly. I don't enjoy seeing her scream and cry like this. But part of my job is to make her just a little bit afraid of not doing these things.
This is behavior conditioning. It's training. It's not always going to be pleasant. I sometimes wonder if some part of her believes that I'm just doing this because she complained she wasn't getting enough -- if she thinks I'm just trying to overfeed her.

topthemonkey: (v)
The subject line says it all, really.

Today, the monkey departs back to our previous homeland (a few hundred miles away).  I'm driving him.  He'll be staying with his parents.  Other than his (fairly discreet) pet collar, there will be no kink.

His responsibilities are simple: Make himself ready to belong to me.  Prove himself capable of taking care of what will be my property.

This includes on a more minor level: Showering daily, eating healthy, waking at a reasonable and consistent hour, doing at least some nominal exercise each day.  These may not sound difficult, but when I'm home I turn into an insomniac who just drifts listless around the house and only eats carbs, never leaving, showering once a week, staying in pajamas, hating life. His masturbation restriction remains, and I'm unlikely to grant any permission remotely.  Same for the restriction on his favorite food. I'm guessing he means ice cream.

The Monkey is to have no personal contact with the person (mentioned earlier in this Journal) who forced himself on The Monkey.  They've been talking online, and while the monkey still considers him a friend (I'm sorry, (No, you're not) but I don't think I  "get it", monkey.  He rapes you.  You masturbate afterwards (Technically it was during).  You report it to me, sobbing.   You guys remain friends.  And he'd do it again given half a chance.  Hell, he HAD done it again, even knowing you might be punished.)

I've told the monkey, that when he returns, he'll be getting a steel collar.  I believe that his collar will be one from NeoSteel, at least at first.  The investment is reasonable, it's comfortable, and still looks okay to mundanes. I really disagree on that last point.  He may "graduate" up to finer collars, but for a new slave, this one is a fair choice.  (I would have considered a gorean collar from houseofcollars/eternitycollars/dreamstrike, but a) I've already owned those before and b) the monkey previously wore one.)

Other conditions will be evident when he returns as well -- even though he's been IN this new house for a while, to gain rank in this new house, he will have to start from the ground up, and that means when he comes here, he will be restricted to the house for at least a couple weeks, probably not even allowed internet or IMs (other than for school and therapeutic reasons).
I have issues with this. I tend to isolate myself to begin with, having some social anxiety, and I really don't think this will be healthy for me. Going out to eat is overwhelming for me right now, I've spent so much time confined. Also, due to the lack of exercise, even walking ANYWHERE my achilles tendons are getting tighter and I practically get out of breath walking to the mailbox.

I want him to enter this house as a full slave.  Naked, wearing nothing but his collar.  With a contract, signed.  On the contract note, I may post it here for review.  The way I hope to work it is he will have a base contract, with core, inalienable rules.  His property.  His uniform.  His core responsibilities.  His safeword privileges.  Who may (or who may not) give him orders to do what.  Then, any time his privileges change, he will receive a copy of the new rules, and will have to sign them.  In this way, there can be no doubt as to his expectations.  Similar for changes to chores and expected duties (the difference being the Other Master can assign him chores, whereas real rules are strictly myself).  And so much more, to be detailed, after the fact.

He's nervous as hell, poor thing.  Scared of not coming back. Scared of the commitments involved when he comes back.  Scared of breaking the "I'm going to be moving away" news to Parents and still having them cover certain things. Scared of what will happen when I am home.

He's a good slave, though, and I have complete faith in him.  He has in the past (and will continue to) make me proud.

My name is D, and I love my Monkey.  Beyond words.
topthemonkey: (Default)
I believe the monkey and I are going to work on position training the next time I have her here.

This is something I believe every slavegirl should be skilled in. In my own writings (which I won't link to from this location), submissives are taught a standard set of five positions that they are ordered into.

And I believe, the next time the monkey crosses my threshhold, I'm simply going to tell her:

"Strip and get into first."

For those who don't know this secret language, that basically means nothing more than "stand and face the corner".

I expect her to drop all her clothing, save for any gear she's not allowed to remove.

And once in the corner, she will simply stand. Nothing more. No questions. No speaking. No motion.

Hands neatly at her sides, palms facing behind, or ourtward -- so there's no chance of her holding anything.

Any objection or questioning at all...will be dealt with sharply. Any attempts to move away from my touch, as I run my hands over her naked body, will gain punishment, as I run my hands through her hair, down her back, across her mound...she will be expected to simply be still, and submit. A single word from her lips that's not an answer to a direct question will be met with a slap or a light touch of the crop. (which will, of course, only be repeated if the touch causes her to break position).

Let us see how my monkey fares in this test.

You, dear readers, will know soon.


topthemonkey: (Default)

October 2012

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