topthemonkey: (Default)
I like to have a good, powerful orgasm before making any major decision. Let me explain why.

Long before the monkey and I got together, I had a problem, one that plagued me.
I was a kinky person. Except when I orgasmed.
I enjoyed feelings of both being dominant and submissive. Except post orgasm.
And the ironic thing is, the more powerful the orgasm, the more powerful the post-orgasm-kink-aversion.

I've previously called this "the vanilla flip." What would be hot and intense one moment, as soon as I orgasm, would immediately feel wrong or even disgusting. Pain tolerance would drop, things that were appealing even a few seconds ago would halt, and I'd have a desire to be cleaned up, warm, and normal; wanting to do nothing more than eat and relax, not feeling sadistic but instead feeling gentle and nurturing. And, of course, wanting to go to sleep.

In my submissive senses, I would often tell dominant types that the best way to humiliate me would be to put me in a compromising position (restrained, uncomfortable, about to be marked), then to get me off while doing it, but force me to go through with whatever it was. For this reason, making me "clean up after myself" (that is, swallow what I had just secreted) was an exceptionally strong fantasy of mine, a measure by which I held dominants; after all, they had to have enough of a mental draw to me that even in my most vanilla mindset, I could still do what I was told.

The couple of times in the past I've gotten body modifications for dominant types (for those who care, my nipples have been pierced twice), both times I was ordered not to get myself off until it was done. If allowed to do so beforehand, the idea of enduring that pain for another person wouldn't have appealed to me.

Part of my interest in chastity play, at least when I represented the submissive side of relationships, was because it allowed a partner to keep me in a single frame of mind, and as long as I stayed in that frame of mind it appealed to me, like a magnetic switch that kept itself turned on.

Since becoming involved with the monkey, our life has more or less become a fairly regular dynamic, with me fairly regularly on top. (Uh, like, always? Like that defines our relationship?) I don't go through these changes (what changes are you referring to?) most of the time. I usually don't let her do anything that causes me to feel too submissive, and I've managed to transform my major erogenous zones to be triggering of the mindset of general kink instead of being spots that would lead me to feeling submissive if stimulated.

However, there are still odd elements to our relationship. I wake up feeling both kinky, and aroused. The monkey....does not. When the monkey wakes up, she's usually in a pretty "just want to eat and pee" headspace. Whereas I just want to roll her over and use her. Which, y'know, is your right.

But often, before making a major decision involving the relationship, before bringing in another person or making some change to status or to some major purpose, I like to compare my thoughts on a matter both at my most kinky, and at my least, both when I'm tired, and when I'm awake.
Sometimes if I'm angry, I like to push myself through the various phases and see if I'm still angry throughout all of them.

When I woke up this morning, I poked the monkey to take her meds, and she revealed to me that she had taken them in the early morning; she had stayed up all night. This has been a regular problem recently, and while I haven't been ORDERING her to come to bed, I've been making it clear, I think, that I'm not happy with this behavior (especially considering she wasn't ever happy going to bed without me). Yes, it's been clear, but I've been struggling with some things that have been directly affecting my sleep schedule. I haven't talked to the Top about it because I don't feel I have it adequately sorted out in my head to adequately communicate it. There might be an entry coming from me about this.
I thought for a few minutes, and visualized that I'd wake her up, and sit her down, and give her a piece of paper.

I, the monkey, understand that I have upset my Master by:
  • Staying up all night, repeatedly, to the point where I'm at risk of messing up our schedules.
  • Orgasming without permission while doing the above.
  • Not properly sorting my meds.
  • Not putting out clothes when they need to be.
I understand that as a result of this, my hair is to be cut in a way that pleases my master, and suits my position, and is to be cut down to this length every Sunday, until I gain the privilege back by:
  • Doing at least a half hour of exercise every week day (walking, playing DDR, crunches).
  • Additionally, playing DDR at least once a week in the above. -moan of despair-
  • Working on the studies my Master wants me to learn, at least a half hour a day.
  • Staying on top of Towels, Garbage, Dishes, and Laundry.
  • Getting my library fines sorted out. I can't do this until I get paid.
  • Getting my timesheets at work sorted out. I can't do this until I hear back from the HR person at work.
  • Filling in my daily reports, every day.
  • Sitting and taking my haircuts like a good girl for the next four weeks (today plus three more) I guess this one isn't happening.

And once she signed it, she'd get cuffed, stripped, and buzzed down. I have a pretty good idea of how much I would have done. She'd still have her ponytail, but more along the back and possibly sides would be buzzed to nothing. The style I'm thinking of is called an undercut now that I do a little Google searching. (The pic of the second girl a perfect world, kinda the exact hairstyle the monkey would have, all the time: enough to grab easily, but nothing for gags, blindfolds, or masks to get snagged in). This holds NO appeal for me.

As the thought of such a scene got me rather horny, I proceeded, still half awake, to get myself off and the decision that came as the endorphins soaked my brain was that this was indeed too harsh. (For some reason, a thought that sneaked in there was that a more appropriate response would be to give her a hot, soapy enema instead, but I'm not sure where that came from or if I decided somewhere in there that doing so was also too rough).

At the moment, however, I'm not thinking either treatment is. If I go home and find her asleep, well...time will tell.
He gave me the enema, no hair cut.
topthemonkey: (Default)

This is one part of the monkey's contract. He is to have it signed, to present to me, by the time I get home.

I, (whichever name you like) hereby acknowledge that from now until August first, I will not enter, nor sit on my master's bed unless invited and/or given permission to. Permission must be given each time I leave the bed, regardless of reason. If permission is not given, I am to sleep on the floor on a pet-bed. Additionally, I understand that until the date above, I am required to sleep totally naked, only being allowed clothing if given permission by my master, for reasons such as temperature, or feminine needs.

topthemonkey: (v)
The subject line says it all, really.

Today, the monkey departs back to our previous homeland (a few hundred miles away).  I'm driving him.  He'll be staying with his parents.  Other than his (fairly discreet) pet collar, there will be no kink.

His responsibilities are simple: Make himself ready to belong to me.  Prove himself capable of taking care of what will be my property.

This includes on a more minor level: Showering daily, eating healthy, waking at a reasonable and consistent hour, doing at least some nominal exercise each day.  These may not sound difficult, but when I'm home I turn into an insomniac who just drifts listless around the house and only eats carbs, never leaving, showering once a week, staying in pajamas, hating life. His masturbation restriction remains, and I'm unlikely to grant any permission remotely.  Same for the restriction on his favorite food. I'm guessing he means ice cream.

The Monkey is to have no personal contact with the person (mentioned earlier in this Journal) who forced himself on The Monkey.  They've been talking online, and while the monkey still considers him a friend (I'm sorry, (No, you're not) but I don't think I  "get it", monkey.  He rapes you.  You masturbate afterwards (Technically it was during).  You report it to me, sobbing.   You guys remain friends.  And he'd do it again given half a chance.  Hell, he HAD done it again, even knowing you might be punished.)

I've told the monkey, that when he returns, he'll be getting a steel collar.  I believe that his collar will be one from NeoSteel, at least at first.  The investment is reasonable, it's comfortable, and still looks okay to mundanes. I really disagree on that last point.  He may "graduate" up to finer collars, but for a new slave, this one is a fair choice.  (I would have considered a gorean collar from houseofcollars/eternitycollars/dreamstrike, but a) I've already owned those before and b) the monkey previously wore one.)

Other conditions will be evident when he returns as well -- even though he's been IN this new house for a while, to gain rank in this new house, he will have to start from the ground up, and that means when he comes here, he will be restricted to the house for at least a couple weeks, probably not even allowed internet or IMs (other than for school and therapeutic reasons).
I have issues with this. I tend to isolate myself to begin with, having some social anxiety, and I really don't think this will be healthy for me. Going out to eat is overwhelming for me right now, I've spent so much time confined. Also, due to the lack of exercise, even walking ANYWHERE my achilles tendons are getting tighter and I practically get out of breath walking to the mailbox.

I want him to enter this house as a full slave.  Naked, wearing nothing but his collar.  With a contract, signed.  On the contract note, I may post it here for review.  The way I hope to work it is he will have a base contract, with core, inalienable rules.  His property.  His uniform.  His core responsibilities.  His safeword privileges.  Who may (or who may not) give him orders to do what.  Then, any time his privileges change, he will receive a copy of the new rules, and will have to sign them.  In this way, there can be no doubt as to his expectations.  Similar for changes to chores and expected duties (the difference being the Other Master can assign him chores, whereas real rules are strictly myself).  And so much more, to be detailed, after the fact.

He's nervous as hell, poor thing.  Scared of not coming back. Scared of the commitments involved when he comes back.  Scared of breaking the "I'm going to be moving away" news to Parents and still having them cover certain things. Scared of what will happen when I am home.

He's a good slave, though, and I have complete faith in him.  He has in the past (and will continue to) make me proud.

My name is D, and I love my Monkey.  Beyond words.


topthemonkey: (Default)

October 2012

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