At a recent family gathering (on St Patrick's day, or a day before), my oft-uncommunicated-to sister mentioned "I saw a movie that you'd really like". She was referring to the Spader/Gillenhall movie, Secretary. She also referred to it improperly as "The Secretary". Grr.
Anyway, this had me thinking. Why did she say I'd like it. I've been, for several years now, keeping my kinks and preferences carefully guarded.
So, to the member of my family that I'm most open (my brother, eight years my junior), I decided to finally ask and tell...
I, the Monkey, personally feel that the Top way over-shared here. I think many of the details he shared were inappropriate. His brother didn't need or want to know as much as the Top told him. And, though I suppose it's not my place to say, I am not comfortable at all with the level of detail that the Top went into. Frequently I feel that the Top relishes my . . . strangeness? That he enjoys squicking people with aspects of my gender identity/sexuality and the nature of our relationship. This entry made me kind of sad. I feel a little used and violated.
[18:58:27] Him: wuts up
[19:14:23] Me : Oh not much
[19:16:10] Me : Your sister mentioned something interesting the last time I was there, made me think about things.
[19:16:22] Him: what was that?
[19:16:28] Me : When she was talking about that movie Secretary, and how I'd really like it.
[19:16:38] Me : How much do you folks actually know about my sex life?
[19:16:48] Me : Or want to know, for that matter?
[19:17:07] Him: your not coming out to me are you
[19:17:21] Me : No, you've met [boy], she's female.
[19:17:23] Him: why do people always come out to me?!?!?!
[19:17:33] Him: shes also pre op
[19:17:47] Him: what happens then?
[19:17:57] Me : She's never getting rid of her vagina.
[19:18:09] Me : Because the surgical options for girls suck.
[19:18:24] Him: uh ok
[19:18:26] Me : Basically you get rid of your sensitive bits to get a small penis that cannot get erect nor
[19:18:42] Me : Doing guy to girl is easy.
[19:18:50] Me : Drill a hole, cut off the danglies.
[19:18:53] Him: so your gonna be bangin a tranny?
[19:19:06] Me : Well, she wants a breast reduction.
[19:19:13] Me : But hell, [previous large chested girlfriend] wanted that.
[19:19:21] Me : Those things are apparently murder on the back.
[19:19:30] Him: apparently
[19:19:32] Me : She was thinking of doing hormones, too, but has decided against it.
[19:19:57] Me : Mostly, she's shooting for Androgyny, if you know what that means.
[19:20:04] Me : Kinda being able to pass for either.
[19:20:27] Me : She's a feminist, and thinks males have more power, so it's very empowering to pass as one.
[19:20:52] Me : She occasionally wears a chest binder, and she occasionally packs her pants...
[19:20:53] Him: you seem to find girls like that a lot
[19:21:02] Me : And my nickname for her is "Boy"
[19:21:09] Me : We use both sets of pronouns for her.
[19:21:21] Me : I intentionally try not to use one more than the other.
[19:21:23] Him: isn't it odd for you
[19:21:31] Me : Is she happy? Yes.
[19:21:36] Me : That's all that matters.
[19:21:40] Me : Do I love her?
[19:21:41] Me : Yes.
[19:21:42] Him: but are you
[19:21:45] Me : Sure.
[19:21:54] Me : That's the thing, tho.
[19:21:57] Me : That was my question.
[19:22:02] Me : Do you know about the REST of it?
[19:22:10] Me : Other than the whole pre-op thing.
[19:22:12] Him: well thats all that matters to me
[19:22:19] Him: sure unload man
[19:22:20] Me : Or do people just assume.
[19:22:22] Me : ?
[19:22:31] Me : Do you know about our dynamic?
[19:23:09] Him: i don't wanna spill
[19:23:24] Me : Well, this was the point.
[19:23:32] Me : What do people know about me, and what do people assume?
[19:24:32] Him: people only know what you tell and natural human behavior allows the imagination to run
wherever it wants
[19:24:44] Me : well I've told very little.
[19:24:51] Me : SO what is it people are imagining?
[19:26:06] Me : I'm sure you people must talk from time to time.
[19:26:19] Him: personally i don't assume much... I know you kinda like some freaky shit but thats about
[19:26:36] Me : Well there you go.
[19:26:40] Him: and who doesn't
[19:26:55] Him: well there I go what?
[19:27:06] Me : That's a good sum-up of what's going on.
[19:27:46] Him: that wasn't an assumption
[19:28:00] Me : I mean, Dad's a worldly guy...if he were to visit and realize that The Monkey's as much a
submissive as Lee Holloway from Secretary, how do you think he'd react?
[19:28:22] Me : I know your mother would be all BLAH BLAH DYSFUNCTION UNHEALTHY BLAH BLAH SICK.
[19:29:02] Him: personally so was [my ex] and I used to love that shit... still do from time to time
[19:29:34] Me : I...would consider [your ex] to be a bedroom sub.
[19:29:41] Him: my father lets just leave the ideas of his sexual preference out of my head
[19:29:51] Me : Does the word "LifeStyler" hold any meaning in this context?
[19:30:06] Him: hmmm
[19:30:10] Me : And not as in the brand of condom.
[19:30:18] Me : Like, full time.
[19:30:22] Him: like the guy in the box in pulp fiction
[19:30:24] Me : [The Monkey] calls me Sir. All the time.
[19:30:32] Me : She wears a collar. All the time.
[19:30:40] Me : As does [The Master's] girl who is around here.
[19:31:03] Me : She dresses to my preferences, whenever I say.
[19:31:09] Him: as long as EVERYONE is having a good time with it more power to ya
[19:31:20] Me : (which is usually skirt and a button down shirt...I have a skirt thing)
[19:31:37] Me : It's not so much that she's a gimp....
[19:31:44] Me : but it isn't a game that starts and ends.
[19:31:51] Me : Or that we play with during some kinky sex.
[19:32:15] Me : She knows, outright, that if I have a problem with her, I'll make it clear, and she'll have
to be accountable for it.
[19:32:24] Me : It means I determine key things in her life.
[19:32:40] Me : If she's allowed to leave the house, if she's allowed to have her favorite foods....
[19:32:41] Him: must be empowering
[19:33:00] Me : And the part most people freak about.
[19:33:17] Me : She knows that if she upsets me enough, that she's going to be punished. Physically, if
[19:33:44] Me : Like, not a couple whacks on the ass furing rough sex...
[19:33:53] Me : So, I don't know if this is me coming out, or whatnot.
[19:34:07] Me : but this is what we're about.
[19:34:17] Me : It's the dynamic that's in effect in our house if you ever visit.
[19:34:32] Me : It's still a normal place where we chill out, make food for each other, and watch cheesy
[19:34:50] Me : But, [The Master] and I are...well, for want of a better term...masters.
[19:35:00] Me : And we have girls who are fiercely loyal to us.
[19:35:12] Him: seems a bit extreme to me, I think theres a fine line between an unusaual relationship and
an abusive one
[19:35:12] Me : More loyal than some of my previous relationships.
[19:35:28] Me : Allow me to offer a line of comparison, then.
[19:35:35] Him: k
[19:35:40] Me : [Your ex's] parents.
[19:35:46] Me : And [the monkey's]....are not that different.
[19:35:59] Me : Actually her mom and stepdad (dad died when she was 17).
[19:36:10] Him: ok
[19:36:14] Me : Drugs. Alcohol.
[19:36:43] Me : And for her to strive to maintain function, stay on track with schoolwork, keep herself
not-depressed, showering every day, eating healthy, taking her meds on time....
[19:36:48] Me : It's hard.
[19:36:55] Me : She slips into the dysfunction easy.
[19:37:16] Him: it seems like you took advantage of that
[19:37:18] Me : With us, chores are done, schoolwork gets done (and she's a full time student, just online
[19:38:02] Me : She gets up at a good hour, gets to sleep at a good hour...sets out my clothing for work the
night before, is being trained to get up with me and make breakfast...
[19:38:39] Me : And yes, I *do* occasionally need to be hard with her. (Nothing sexual there)
[19:38:51] Me : but there's no subtext.
[19:39:19] Me : It's "I'm upset with you, I told you to do X, you didn't/did Y instead, here's what you're
going to do/have happen"
[19:39:26] Me : And in some ways you have to treat her like a child.
[19:39:45] Me : but I can't describe how fulfilling it is.
[19:39:56] Me : I don't know if you understand it...most outsiders don't.
[19:40:10] Me : it's not like the "hey wanna use handcuffs" bedroom play.
[19:40:28] Me : Although we have about six pairs of handcuffs, and about 400 feet of rope in every color.
[19:40:48] Me : and a play room that we're in the process of reinforcing the ceiling in and soundproofing.
[19:41:21] Him: i undersand the feeling i think to each their own just please please don't be taking
advantage of this girl... that I would not condone
[19:41:37] Me : It's anything but.
[19:41:49] Me : In taking this on, it means I also take responsibility for her.
[19:41:56] Him: then more power to ya bro
[19:42:01] Me : Means I have to support her...
[19:42:08] Me : and it means that such is done on MY terms.
[19:42:24] Me : I'm not sure why I'm mentioning this to you.
[19:42:34] Him: i was just thinking that
[19:42:43] Me : I guess because I figured you guys had made SOME assumptions about me based on my sister's
comment about that movie.
[19:44:50] Me : I've been hiding this part of my life from family for a long time.
[19:44:55] Me : Probably won't ever tell mom.
[19:45:14] Me : but somehow, at this point I see you as an adult and figure you can handle "this is what and
who I am"
[19:46:17] Him: well I apreciate your trust and know that it wont be violated
[19:48:07] Me : I've been in enough relationships where I got walked on...paid the majority of the rent to
sleep on the couch or the floor.
[19:49:11] Him: yea relationships can be fuckin brutal
[19:49:48] Me : this one may seem strict and rigid, but I've never been so happy.
[19:49:54] Me : And it lets me just be honest.
[19:50:03] Me : there's no fear of saying "I have a problem"
[19:50:27] Me : no drama in saying "I'm not comfortable with your behavior and I need it to change"
[19:50:39] Him: just make sure the feeling is mutual
[19:50:53] Me : Well, from her side it's a little different.
[19:50:56] Me : of course.
[19:51:04] Me : she's the sub after all.
[19:51:23] Me : but every night, once the lights are off, we talk together, about everything.
[19:51:39] Me : About her feelings and how she's working through her training.
[19:51:48] Me : About her interactions with people.
[19:52:08] Me : And I can tell her, every day, without fail, that she has or hasn't been good.
[19:52:12] Him: you have to know that a situation like this wont be permanent
[19:52:26] Me : It's been almost a year.
[19:52:38] Me : And yes, she may move on.
[19:52:52] Me : "Graduate" as the term occasionally is.
[19:53:02] Him: she's most likely going through a phase
[19:53:12] Me : ...that's the thing, man.
[19:53:31] Me : I've known this felt like The Way Things Should Be for most of my life.
[19:53:45] Me : And for a while, felt very very alone in it (kinda like being gay, I guess)
[19:53:59] Me : There are a lot of people who hold these values dear.
[19:54:05] Me : I wish you could see it.
[19:54:11] Me : See the interaction.
[19:54:21] Me : Maybe then you might understand.
[19:54:38] Him: guess you gotta be in it to win it
[19:54:42] Me : When I was in NY, because of the whole living-with-an-ex thing, it was hard to be ourselves.
[19:55:14] Me : but she's been calling me Sir for the better part of a year now.
[19:55:24] Me : And things are only getting more serious.
[19:56:56] Him: I just wanna see you happy man and if thats what it takes then god bless ya dude just be
careful cause it seems like your skating on pretty thin ice