topthemonkey: (Default)
Top and I have a lot of amusing exchanges that I make a mental note to post here and never do. Here are some I remember.


Me: I have to sleep on the far side of the bed! I can't be that close to the window!
Top: We're on the third floor. Who do you think is going to break in, Spiderman?
Me: IT COULD HAPPEN.

[For some reason I had to go to bed without Top, so I used his comforter (we don't have a single one we both like that's big enough to cover the whole bed) for, uh, comfort. This was the next night.]
Me: (sniffing Top's comforter) Aw man, it doesn't smell like you anymore! (thrust it at him) Here, stink this up!

(repeated often, usually while holding back laughter)
Top: Baby, I think you might be insane.
topthemonkey: (Default)

Originally Started: 2009-08-06 20:19:18

When I say "large router" I mean in a rolling box the size of a refrigerator.

We were moving it in a large pickup truck, and no less than three coworkers (two of whom were above me in the chain of command) wryly complimented the pretty multi-colored rope (dark blue and orange MFP) I had found to secure the stuff.

Am I that transparent?

topthemonkey: (Default)

a friend is in the area, interested in meeting up for lunch

Me: I don't often get to that part of the city, but I own property in the area...who can recommend a place for foodz.
Him: That was a beautiful ellipses.
topthemonkey: (Default)
During the sex scene in Watchmen Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" is playing.

me: Epic song to fuck to.
The Top agrees.
me: It's only like 3 minutes though.
The Top: That's about how long I take.
me: You could put it on repeat . . .
The Top: For you.
topthemonkey: (Default)
(I am nomming on the Top's ear. Also, he's a furry. Specifically, a ferret.)

Top: No! Ferret ears aren't for eating!

me: But they're full of vital nutrients that boys need to grow and be strong! Like . . . ferret, and . . . ear.


Tomorrow (well, today, technically) is my last day of classes for the semester.

I've felt really close to the Top lately.

I was frustrated today when trying to orgasm for the Top, but I didn't feel guilty or cry. This is a pretty new thing for me. I'm pretty proud of that.

Trying to be a better slave in general.
topthemonkey: (Default)
The Top: I'd like to thank you for screwing up NetFlix's suggestions by the way.

me : WHAT

The Top: Drama Suggestions (156), Classics Suggestions (411), Foreign Suggresions (248). Documentary Suggestions (247), Action and Adventure (19), Comedy (66), Sci Fi and Fantasy (3).
The Top: ...Yeah, netflix knows ONE OF US.
The Top: :-)
The Top: I don't think it's ME.

me: hmmph
me: you have the login information too

The Top: Yeah I'll just have to rate every DVD I own.

me: i might have already rated it
me: probably poorly

The Top: *strangles*

me: HOT
topthemonkey: (Default)
Me: So I was scrubbing the shower today and suddenly I smelled jizz and I was like, what the hell? It took me a second to realize.

The Top: (is amused).

Me: When you jerk off in the shower can you try to aim for the drain, please?

The Top: (some point about how the shower stall is a tight fit and he can barely turn around or bend over so "aiming" is kind of difficult).

Me: Well, can you just sort of push it with your foot toward the drain?

The Top: Ugh! That's disgusting!

Me: (rolls eyes)

Actually, semen tends to congeal heavily, into something reminiscent of rubber cement when it mixes with hot water.  Also, something about it changes chemically, where you can feel it on your fingers and skin for hours (it's similar to, but not exactly like, when you've been doing dishes a long time, or when you've been in a chlorine pool -- it doesn't feel like something's ON your hands so much as something's been taken OFF.

topthemonkey: (Default)
(The Top and I discussing our dream house.)

The Top: I'd definitely want a basement. For the playroom.
me: I hate basements.
The Top: Well, it could be insulated and furnished and carpeted and . . . then it wouldn't really be much like a basement.
topthemonkey: (Default)
me: When your butt itches does it make you want to have anal sex?
Top (amused): No.
me (embarrassed): Yeah, me neither.


On a completely different note, the Top and I have been doing a lot of age-play. He's been reading me a picture book each night before bed. I know this isn't inherently age-play, and there's not even a big difference in how he addresses me or anything. It's just . . . a feeling. I love being read to. He missed two nights this week though, it makes me very sad. I feel he owes me two more stories for this, but he is under some silly preconception that he makes the rules in this relationship or something. What madness.
topthemonkey: (Default)
The Top likes a shaved slaveboy. Ankles to knees, armpits and groin. But especially the groin. This monkey hates shaving.  (As Usual, the top's comments are in bold). As usual? You've done this maybe once!

I shaved regularly when I was a teenager. Part of it was the absurd but commonly held belief that as a female I would not be sexually attractive unless I was hairless. When I stopped cutting, however, I didn't think it was such a good idea to keep razor blades around. So for the past few years I've shaved my legs maybe once every 6-8 months, my armpits once every 3-5 and my groin maybe once a year. My body hair is light and thin. I really like being fuzzy. I don't have a hirsute fetish, but I prefer women who don't shave.

Shaved vaginas freak me out. You know that vagina monologue, where the woman says that in order to love vaginas you have to love hair? Yeah, I'm with her. A shaved pussy makes me think pre-adolescence. I think that Brazilian bikini waxes are indicative of our nation's fixation on sexualizing children. When brazilian bikini waxes and childhood collide, then it's really freaky.

This has nothing to do with pre-aolescence, although I've encountered a number of females who don't want to shave because it "makes them look 12". 
It has nothing to do with pre-adolescence for YOU, but I'm talking about my own personal associations.


It's a kind of vulnerability I don't like feeling. I've shaved my body, but especially my vagina, when I was feeling self-loathing, when I've missed my dead father, when I've felt alone and scared. A smooth crotch doesn't make me think sexy. It makes me think crying in the shower.

...and yet when you've felt most upset at your own actions, you've presented yourself to me, shaved and exposed, like a good girl..
Because I know it pleases you and I know you know it's not something I like doing. It's an act of penance, I suppose.

This is a part of the protocol I've always felt it right for a slave.  All their positions, all the ways they are to carry their bodies, should imply that they wish to hide nothing.  This is evident in more than just the shaving.  My standard sitting positions are all laid out to leave the hands visible, showing that you are holding nothing that can be used against your master.  As regards your body,  I want my slave equally exposed, I want her hair out of her face where she can't hide in it.  I don't want her able to hide behind her glasses. And yes, I want every detail of her sex to be visible to me.
And this all makes sense to me.

The Top loves when my vagina is shaved. He just wants to fondle it and lick it and he gets this ridiculous smile on his face.  Calling your top ridiculous doesn't help the plight, Boy... Not YOU sir, just your smile! And it's not a *plight*.

I think perhaps part of why he likes it so much is that he knows I don't like it. I do it for him. I know that growing it out is a privilege. If I had my druthers, I wouldn't shave it. I don't care if it would never mean being licked by him. My body hair is more important to me than receiving oral sex from my primary partner. Or from anyone.

There's a good number of things that I would have you do that you don't always like.  You dislike the shorts and skirts, you're a fan of wacky crazy socks ("wacky" because I like different colors and keen-highs?) as opposed to the plain white ones i prefer.  You love your glasses whereas I love to look into your eyes with your face unobstructed (and the fact that you're near-blind and helpless is only a TEEEEEENY part of the attraction there). Teeny, uh-huh. Sure.

It's not just about the fact that I like being fuzzy. My body hair, in many ways, is a protest. It says fuck your fascist beauty standards, fuck what you think I should look like, fuck what you think should make me sexy, fuck the ways you made me hate myself you stupid bullshit patriarchal society.

Lets be frank: I also thought you were attractive with your head shaved, and Natalie Portman aside, that's pretty against the societal standards for attractive. Yes, sir, but this isn't about whether your personal tastes concerning body hair are socially accepted, it's about my feelings on my body hair.  I'd love to require you to keep that buzzed down as well.  Failing that, I'd want you to keep the nape of your neck buzzed, where your gag buckles...

...but I know you can't do that,
(well, maybe just the nape of my neck) and I won't make you...unless we have what I've called a "reset level event".  Where I decide we need to re-examine the relationship from the beginning, and I need to re-take you as my slave, from the beginning.  Of course you know this, but this is for our readers.  The things that would cause this are a pretty short list: drugs, self-injury, attacking me physically. Having sex with other people you hate.

Not shaving is about reclaiming my body. I have a lot of body issues. I've hated my body a lot over the years. I've also hated myself and taken it out on my body.

"Reclaiming your body."  Of course, you recognize, that it's not your body to claim or re-claim. Of course, you recognize that I was also talking about the past few years where I've rarely shaved.  It's my property, now.  And part of wearing the collar you've been wearing is accepting that. I honestly didn't think of that.

But good monkeys, they do what they're told. And if it really upset me he wouldn't make me do it.

...which is why for a slave who enjoyed the exposure, an eventual reward would be in getting them treated so they didn't have to maintain it anymore.

For you, if your behavior becomes exemplary, your reward is that you'll be allowed to grow it out from time to time.  However, if we're planning on doing public play, demonstrations, or the like...I will most likely expect you to have the expected appearance.
Which I think is understandable.

You'll earn your crotchfuzz, boy, if you keep up the good work.  And I know you can.

Conversation we had after I read the Top's annotations:
me: Sir, you realize this entry wasn't about *you*, right?
the Top: What? I'm the dominant, everything's about me! [(mostly?) joking]
topthemonkey: (disappointed virginity)
The Top, while I was jerking him off: You have until the count of 10 to get me off and if you don't then it's going in your mouth.

*counts to 10, hasn't come*

The Top: Get down there.

I put my face closer to his crotch and open my mouth. My jaw cracks, loudly, several times as I do.

*pause*

The Top: Was that your jaw?

Me:   Um, yes, sir.

The Top: OK, go back to jerking me.
topthemonkey: (Default)

At a recent family gathering (on St Patrick's day, or a day before), my oft-uncommunicated-to sister mentioned "I saw a movie that you'd really like". She was referring to the Spader/Gillenhall movie, Secretary. She also referred to it improperly as "The Secretary". Grr.

Anyway, this had me thinking. Why did she say I'd like it. I've been, for several years now, keeping my kinks and preferences carefully guarded.

So, to the member of my family that I'm most open (my brother, eight years my junior), I decided to finally ask and tell...

I, the Monkey, personally feel that the Top way over-shared here. I think many of the details he shared were inappropriate. His brother didn't need or want to know as much as the Top told him. And, though I suppose it's not my place to say, I am not comfortable at all with the level of detail that the Top went into. Frequently I feel that the Top relishes my . . . strangeness? That he enjoys squicking people with aspects of my gender identity/sexuality and the nature of our relationship. This entry made me kind of sad. I feel a little used and violated.

[18:58:27]  Him: wuts up
[19:14:23] Me : Oh not much
[19:16:10] Me : Your sister mentioned something interesting the last time I was there, made me think about things.
[19:16:22] Him: what was that?
[19:16:28] Me : When she was talking about that movie Secretary, and how I'd really like it.
[19:16:38] Me : How much do you folks actually know about my sex life?
[19:16:48] Me : Or want to know, for that matter?
[19:17:07] Him: your not coming out to me are you
[19:17:21] Me : No, you've met [boy], she's female.
[19:17:23] Him: why do people always come out to me?!?!?!
[19:17:33] Him: shes also pre op
[19:17:47] Him: what happens then?
[19:17:57] Me : She's never getting rid of her vagina.
[19:18:09] Me : Because the surgical options for girls suck.
[19:18:24] Him: uh ok
[19:18:26] Me : Basically you get rid of your sensitive bits to get a small penis that cannot get erect nor
ejaculate.
[19:18:42] Me : Doing guy to girl is easy.
[19:18:50] Me : Drill a hole, cut off the danglies.
[19:18:53] Him: so your gonna be bangin a tranny?
[19:19:06] Me : Well, she wants a breast reduction.
[19:19:13] Me : But hell, [previous large chested girlfriend] wanted that.
[19:19:21] Me : Those things are apparently murder on the back.
[19:19:30] Him: apparently
[19:19:32] Me : She was thinking of doing hormones, too, but has decided against it.
[19:19:57] Me : Mostly, she's shooting for Androgyny, if you know what that means.
[19:20:04] Me : Kinda being able to pass for either.
[19:20:27] Me : She's a feminist, and thinks males have more power, so it's very empowering to pass as one.
[19:20:52] Me : She occasionally wears a chest binder, and she occasionally packs her pants...
[19:20:53] Him: you seem to find girls like that a lot
[19:21:02] Me : And my nickname for her is "Boy"
[19:21:09] Me : We use both sets of pronouns for her.
[19:21:21] Me : I intentionally try not to use one more than the other.
[19:21:23] Him: isn't it odd for you
[19:21:31] Me : Is she happy? Yes.
[19:21:36] Me : That's all that matters.
[19:21:40] Me : Do I love her?
[19:21:41] Me : Yes.
[19:21:42] Him: but are you
[19:21:45] Me : Sure.
[19:21:54] Me : That's the thing, tho.
[19:21:57] Me : That was my question.
[19:22:02] Me : Do you know about the REST of it?
[19:22:10] Me : Other than the whole pre-op thing.
[19:22:12] Him: well thats all that matters to me
[19:22:19] Him: sure unload man
[19:22:20] Me : Or do people just assume.
[19:22:22] Me : ?
[19:22:31] Me : Do you know about our dynamic?
[19:23:09] Him: i don't wanna spill
[19:23:24] Me : Well, this was the point.
[19:23:32] Me : What do people know about me, and what do people assume?
[19:24:32] Him: people only know what you tell and natural human behavior allows the imagination to run
wherever it wants
[19:24:44] Me : well I've told very little.
[19:24:51] Me : SO what is it people are imagining?
[19:26:06] Me : I'm sure you people must talk from time to time.
[19:26:19] Him: personally i don't assume much... I know you kinda like some freaky shit but thats about
it
[19:26:36] Me : Well there you go.
[19:26:40] Him: and who doesn't
[19:26:55] Him: well there I go what?
[19:27:06] Me : That's a good sum-up of what's going on.
[19:27:46] Him: that wasn't an assumption
[19:28:00] Me : I mean, Dad's a worldly guy...if he were to visit and realize that The Monkey's as much a
submissive as Lee Holloway from Secretary, how do you think he'd react?
[19:28:22] Me : I know your mother would be all BLAH BLAH DYSFUNCTION UNHEALTHY BLAH BLAH SICK.
[19:29:02] Him: personally so was [my ex] and I used to love that shit... still do from time to time
[19:29:34] Me : I...would consider [your ex] to be a bedroom sub.
[19:29:41] Him: my father lets just leave the ideas of his sexual preference out of my head
[19:29:51] Me : Does the word "LifeStyler" hold any meaning in this context?
[19:30:06] Him: hmmm
[19:30:10] Me : And not as in the brand of condom.
[19:30:18] Me : Like, full time.
[19:30:22] Him: like the guy in the box in pulp fiction
[19:30:24] Me : [The Monkey] calls me Sir. All the time.
[19:30:32] Me : She wears a collar. All the time.
[19:30:40] Me : As does [The Master's] girl who is around here.
[19:31:03] Me : She dresses to my preferences, whenever I say.
[19:31:09] Him: as long as EVERYONE is having a good time with it more power to ya
[19:31:20] Me : (which is usually skirt and a button down shirt...I have a skirt thing)
[19:31:37] Me : It's not so much that she's a gimp....
[19:31:44] Me : but it isn't a game that starts and ends.
[19:31:51] Me : Or that we play with during some kinky sex.
[19:32:15] Me : She knows, outright, that if I have a problem with her, I'll make it clear, and she'll have
to be accountable for it.
[19:32:24] Me : It means I determine key things in her life.
[19:32:40] Me : If she's allowed to leave the house, if she's allowed to have her favorite foods....
[19:32:41] Him: must be empowering
[19:33:00] Me : And the part most people freak about.
[19:33:17] Me : She knows that if she upsets me enough, that she's going to be punished. Physically, if
necessary.
[19:33:44] Me : Like, not a couple whacks on the ass furing rough sex...
[19:33:53] Me : So, I don't know if this is me coming out, or whatnot.
[19:34:07] Me : but this is what we're about.
[19:34:17] Me : It's the dynamic that's in effect in our house if you ever visit.
[19:34:32] Me : It's still a normal place where we chill out, make food for each other, and watch cheesy
anime.
[19:34:50] Me : But, [The Master] and I are...well, for want of a better term...masters.
[19:35:00] Me : And we have girls who are fiercely loyal to us.
[19:35:12] Him: seems a bit extreme to me, I think theres a fine line between an unusaual relationship and
an abusive one
[19:35:12] Me : More loyal than some of my previous relationships.
[19:35:28] Me : Allow me to offer a line of comparison, then.
[19:35:35] Him: k
[19:35:40] Me : [Your ex's] parents.
[19:35:46] Me : And [the monkey's]....are not that different.
[19:35:59] Me : Actually her mom and stepdad (dad died when she was 17).
[19:36:10] Him: ok
[19:36:14] Me : Drugs. Alcohol.
[19:36:43] Me : And for her to strive to maintain function, stay on track with schoolwork, keep herself
not-depressed, showering every day, eating healthy, taking her meds on time....
[19:36:48] Me : It's hard.
[19:36:55] Me : She slips into the dysfunction easy.
[19:37:16] Him: it seems like you took advantage of that
[19:37:18] Me : With us, chores are done, schoolwork gets done (and she's a full time student, just online
at SB).
[19:38:02] Me : She gets up at a good hour, gets to sleep at a good hour...sets out my clothing for work the
night before, is being trained to get up with me and make breakfast...
[19:38:39] Me : And yes, I *do* occasionally need to be hard with her. (Nothing sexual there)
[19:38:51] Me : but there's no subtext.
[19:39:19] Me : It's "I'm upset with you, I told you to do X, you didn't/did Y instead, here's what you're
going to do/have happen"
[19:39:26] Me : And in some ways you have to treat her like a child.
[19:39:45] Me : but I can't describe how fulfilling it is.
[19:39:56] Me : I don't know if you understand it...most outsiders don't.
[19:40:10] Me : it's not like the "hey wanna use handcuffs" bedroom play.
[19:40:28] Me : Although we have about six pairs of handcuffs, and about 400 feet of rope in every color.
[19:40:48] Me : and a play room that we're in the process of reinforcing the ceiling in and soundproofing.
[19:41:21] Him: i undersand the feeling i think to each their own just please please don't be taking
advantage of this girl... that I would not condone
[19:41:37] Me : It's anything but.
[19:41:49] Me : In taking this on, it means I also take responsibility for her.
[19:41:56] Him: then more power to ya bro
[19:42:01] Me : Means I have to support her...
[19:42:08] Me : and it means that such is done on MY terms.
[19:42:24] Me : I'm not sure why I'm mentioning this to you.
[19:42:34] Him: i was just thinking that
[19:42:43] Me : I guess because I figured you guys had made SOME assumptions about me based on my sister's
comment about that movie.
[19:44:50] Me : I've been hiding this part of my life from family for a long time.
[19:44:55] Me : Probably won't ever tell mom.
[19:45:14] Me : but somehow, at this point I see you as an adult and figure you can handle "this is what and
who I am"
[19:46:17] Him: well I apreciate your trust and know that it wont be violated
[19:48:07] Me : I've been in enough relationships where I got walked on...paid the majority of the rent to
sleep on the couch or the floor.
[19:49:11] Him: yea relationships can be fuckin brutal
[19:49:48] Me : this one may seem strict and rigid, but I've never been so happy.
[19:49:54] Me : And it lets me just be honest.
[19:50:03] Me : there's no fear of saying "I have a problem"
[19:50:27] Me : no drama in saying "I'm not comfortable with your behavior and I need it to change"
[19:50:39] Him: just make sure the feeling is mutual
[19:50:53] Me : Well, from her side it's a little different.
[19:50:56] Me : of course.
[19:51:04] Me : she's the sub after all.
[19:51:23] Me : but every night, once the lights are off, we talk together, about everything.
[19:51:39] Me : About her feelings and how she's working through her training.
[19:51:48] Me : About her interactions with people.
[19:52:08] Me : And I can tell her, every day, without fail, that she has or hasn't been good.
[19:52:12] Him: you have to know that a situation like this wont be permanent
[19:52:26] Me : It's been almost a year.
[19:52:38] Me : And yes, she may move on.
[19:52:52] Me : "Graduate" as the term occasionally is.
[19:53:02] Him: she's most likely going through a phase
[19:53:12] Me : ...that's the thing, man.
[19:53:31] Me : I've known this felt like The Way Things Should Be for most of my life.
[19:53:45] Me : And for a while, felt very very alone in it (kinda like being gay, I guess)
[19:53:59] Me : There are a lot of people who hold these values dear.
[19:54:05] Me : I wish you could see it.
[19:54:11] Me : See the interaction.
[19:54:21] Me : Maybe then you might understand.
[19:54:38] Him: guess you gotta be in it to win it
[19:54:42] Me : When I was in NY, because of the whole living-with-an-ex thing, it was hard to be ourselves.
[19:55:14] Me : but she's been calling me Sir for the better part of a year now.
[19:55:24] Me : And things are only getting more serious.
[19:56:56] Him: I just wanna see you happy man and if thats what it takes then god bless ya dude just be
careful cause it seems like your skating on pretty thin ice
topthemonkey: (Default)
I'm so glad I made that last post; the Top read it, talked to me about it, and has adopted many of the suggestions. Although he seemed anxious that I would take some of the more degrading things to heart, I assured him that this was not the case. *I* was anxious that I was topping from the bottom, but he reassured me.

The other night was really lovely. It was the closest the Top has ever come to fitting his entire hand inside me. It got a little easier after he stopped trying to go forward and instead focused the pressure down, if that makes any sense. Basically trying to work around the pubic bone.
We talk about fisting and perhaps our usage of the term is inaccurate, but I think of it as anything that involves all 5 fingers inside, not necessarily past every knuckle or up to the wrist.
I think if we had a non-water-based lube it would've been easier.
Also, if nobody else had been home I would not have been so preoccupied with making noise and would've had an easier time "letting go."
And I need to work on my breathing.

I think the (relative) success of last night made him a little overconfident, though. We had the following conversation on im today:

The Top: So, would you like to try anal fisting?
me: . . .
me: let's master vaginal fisting first?

Ironically, I think anal fisting might be easier. There's no pubic bone or cervix to hit.
topthemonkey: (Default)
[03:42:45] The Top:: we're keeping a nice kink journal.
[03:42:50] The Top:: it's topthemonkey on LJ.
[03:42:56] The Top:: not friendslocked in any way
[03:43:58] a friend:: oh man really? X) Isn't stuff like that a little personal not to lock?
[03:44:12] The Top:: ...if we used our names
[03:44:32] The Top:: but I kinda enjoy the stigma of "I dunno who could be reading"
[03:44:57] The Top:: and I like having it be the case that people could bookmark the journal, or the journal's rss feed, and we wouldn't even know
[03:45:45] a friend:: that's an interesting kink in and of itself :P
[03:45:51] a friend:: like.. reverse voyeurism
[03:45:58] The Top:: exhibitionism :)
[03:46:10] The Top:: heh
[03:46:14] The Top:: texthibitionism
[03:46:30] a friend:: that's it. *grin*, texthibitionism, nice one
topthemonkey: (Default)
Verbal Conversation

Me: "How do you feel about Mexican food?"
The Monkey: "I less-than-three it."
Me: "Funny, I less-than-three you!"
The Monkey: "Well I less than three you. I think you can less-than-three more than one thing."
Me: "So, I'm like Mexican Food?"
The Monkey: "No. Mexican food tastes better. If your penis was like a burrito, I'd go down on you all the time." (pauses) "Please forget I said that."
Me: "Are you kidding, that's going in the journal!"
topthemonkey: (Default)
Interesting fun at work, making a call like the following:

"Hello, PetSafe? I have your large dog training shock collar, and I need to call about replacement parts." (For those who care, the battery cover for the remote broke).

...only to have a coworker interrupt. "I didn't know you had a dog."

The "proper" response is up to the reader, mine was simply. "I don't." with a bit of a grin.
topthemonkey: (Default)
A few weeks ago, the monkey made mention of one of her past sexual partners. One whom she had cheated with on others before. I was unaware of this person (specifically, I was unaware that I knew them -- in reality I had met them on several occasions, but only knew them by face, not by name). I discovered this recently, when we again met face to face, and I was able to put the nickname with the face.

I later remarked that "I'd probably have no problem with you playing with xxxxxxx". Or something similar. It was off the cuff, and didn't have a lot of thought behind it. Saying such was a mistake on my part.

The monkey claims herself to be a sex addict. I am not qualified to diagnose whether this is true or not. She also claims her sex addiction to be tied to a self-harm addiction, since when she does such, it's often unprotected. I can see the logic in this, I suppose (although I can't condone it.)

So, three days after saying that, the monkey confessed to me that she had, since my assent, gone down on this person. I was pretty devastated. I was angry. I was hurt. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think of dismissing the monkey -- doing so crossed my mind, but was not a serious consideration.

But I made the level of hurt and shock pretty clear.

Of late, I've been trying to get the monkey to take care of herself -- to do certain things each day, and/or week that are good for her. To eat well, to keep on track with her homework, to try to exercise herself, and since I've been relatively afraid of using pain as a motivator, I've simply told her that I'm stepping back slightly until she demonstrates an ability to do these things. Not having her stay with me *quite* as much (this is as much to allow me to focus on my own responsibilities, as it is to her).

So last night, as she knelt, nearly naked, before me, I questioned her.

"Have you done anything you aren't supposed to?"

"No."

"Have you gotten yourself off without permission?"

"Have I ever done that, Sir?"

*a brief touch of the cane* "Answer the question, Pet."

"No, sir."

Then it came up that she had committed a minor infraction: She had left her bulb-gag at home, and had *lost* her blindfold. For a while more, we did some play: her, in nothing more than a collar, on her hands and knees while I stood over her, holding her by the back of it so she couldn't drop out from under me, delivering a series of gentle strokes with the acrylic wand I have, until she tearfully called yellow, and I put the rod down.

She hates calling yellow. It makes her feel like a failure. She even apologized for it. I lovingly told her that I was proud of her for doing it, and that she should *never* be sorry for calling yellow (although in retrospect, there's the "I'm sorry I missed out on the activity I would have missed had the scene gone on" aspect, but I wouldn't call that "apologetic" so much as "regretful".

So, in the course of talking to her, that evening, after her interrogation, she confessed it to me: She had performed on him (gone down on) again, that evening. I told her, outright:

"The last time, I was 100 percent hurt and shocked. This time, I'm just 95 percent pissed off."

I told her that I felt like a complete ass for feeling bad about certain other things *I* had done wrong in the relationship, that I felt bad for being overly sensitive and overly cautious about her feelings and concerns instead of simply laying down the law (for example, when she felt uncomfortable when we had a third person sleeping with us, and she expressed concern so I sent the third party out without-question, or for the time when I was near-suicidal because I had pushed for sex when "I thought it was pretty clear I didn't want it", I felt silly for feeling guilty for having other people out in the wild, with collars I had given them, even when both they and I knew it was a platonic collar (yes, such a thing exists in my brain!).

I felt like an joke for having been *that* sensitive and concerned for her feelings over what amounted to simple mistakes, or innocent actions on my part, but that she was able to repeat-offend acts that she KNEW would hurt me.

She followed it up, teary-eyed, with another fun-fact.

"Afterwards, I masturbated."

That did it. I attached a padlock to the collar she was wearing, and told her to lay face-down on the bed. I fitted her with a ball-gag (not her favorite, but it's part of the punishment protocol), as well as putting her hands behind her back with a set of police cuffs (mainly because hard play makes her want to react violently, against herself).

I delivered five strokes to her ass. About as hard as I could do with the rod and wrist-action-only (putting my whole arm into it could have made it more painful). At the end of the five strokes, I held her, and whisperingly told her: "That was for lying. You've got more coming, but you've paid your penance for your dishonesty."

Another five strokes came, for her bringing herself off without permission, followed by a minute or two of cooldown.

Then, I had her switch positions, so she was laying perpendicular to me, with her head on my *left* (it had been on the right before), so I could take hold of her collar with my left hand.

"This is it, Pet. After this it's all over. But you're going to get ten -- five for the last time and five for this time, and they're going to be a little harder than the last ones were."

I delivered them, and they were hard.

Afterward, I checked her out, made sure she wasn't feeling any danger to herself, before removing her cuffs and gag. And I did feel a bit better. I let her know that any repeat performances of the things she had been punished for, would double the associated number of strokes as this time. As we went to sleep, I ordered her to go down on me. She did, without question. She swallowed, as well.

The next day, she thanked me for doing what had to be done. She said she's going to tell this person that she can't do this anymore, that she can't lie to me, and that if she continues doing this, she'll be hurt.

She's wandering around school today, still wearing a locked collar. I'd have made her do this anyway, as a reminder of who she belonged to, but she may get *slightly* fewer stares, considering it's Halloween and all. I almost made her wear the shock collar around her ankle (locked as well), but it's largely pointless as long as the batteries in it are dead (they'll be replaced, today) and as long as she's wearing jeans, since only she would see it anyway.

I believe I've built enough of an emotional connection with the monkey by now: I haven't "thrown her away" as she feared I might, but I am going to tighten my grip on her, start taking more control over her. There's still a tiny part of me that believes a tiny part of *her* did this to get me to react, but it's not going to be the kind of attention she wants. If I start seeing a trend in her doing things that earn her pain, I'll simply do other things to her: I know she wants her hair to grow out, and I can take that away, now that she's more reluctant to lose it (after all, it made sense to shave it in the summer, but we're a day away from november (some 80-degree october days we've had, notwithstanding)).

I've threatened as well, to have her tongue pierced (as while I can't fit her with an oral chastity device, it would be too painful to perform, orally, for a few weeks with that healing, and proper piercing care would warrant an almost obsessive-compulsive oral-hygiene habit that's not bad for a sub anyway). I may still do this, I'm not sure; If I do, she'll be dragged down to the piercing studio in *full* gear, on a leash.

She's not going to be permitted an orgasm for a while, either. I'm still debating whether I'll make her beg for it, or simply mentally add time onto her restriction if I see her begging. I know the Monkey will be reading this, so I'll let *her* figure that one out on her own.

But regardless of it all. I'm in love with a Space Monkey. And she will know love. Tough love, on occasion when warranted, but she will know it.

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topthemonkey

October 2012

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