topthemonkey: (Default)
I like to have a good, powerful orgasm before making any major decision. Let me explain why.

Long before the monkey and I got together, I had a problem, one that plagued me.
I was a kinky person. Except when I orgasmed.
I enjoyed feelings of both being dominant and submissive. Except post orgasm.
And the ironic thing is, the more powerful the orgasm, the more powerful the post-orgasm-kink-aversion.

I've previously called this "the vanilla flip." What would be hot and intense one moment, as soon as I orgasm, would immediately feel wrong or even disgusting. Pain tolerance would drop, things that were appealing even a few seconds ago would halt, and I'd have a desire to be cleaned up, warm, and normal; wanting to do nothing more than eat and relax, not feeling sadistic but instead feeling gentle and nurturing. And, of course, wanting to go to sleep.

In my submissive senses, I would often tell dominant types that the best way to humiliate me would be to put me in a compromising position (restrained, uncomfortable, about to be marked), then to get me off while doing it, but force me to go through with whatever it was. For this reason, making me "clean up after myself" (that is, swallow what I had just secreted) was an exceptionally strong fantasy of mine, a measure by which I held dominants; after all, they had to have enough of a mental draw to me that even in my most vanilla mindset, I could still do what I was told.

The couple of times in the past I've gotten body modifications for dominant types (for those who care, my nipples have been pierced twice), both times I was ordered not to get myself off until it was done. If allowed to do so beforehand, the idea of enduring that pain for another person wouldn't have appealed to me.

Part of my interest in chastity play, at least when I represented the submissive side of relationships, was because it allowed a partner to keep me in a single frame of mind, and as long as I stayed in that frame of mind it appealed to me, like a magnetic switch that kept itself turned on.

Since becoming involved with the monkey, our life has more or less become a fairly regular dynamic, with me fairly regularly on top. (Uh, like, always? Like that defines our relationship?) I don't go through these changes (what changes are you referring to?) most of the time. I usually don't let her do anything that causes me to feel too submissive, and I've managed to transform my major erogenous zones to be triggering of the mindset of general kink instead of being spots that would lead me to feeling submissive if stimulated.

However, there are still odd elements to our relationship. I wake up feeling both kinky, and aroused. The monkey....does not. When the monkey wakes up, she's usually in a pretty "just want to eat and pee" headspace. Whereas I just want to roll her over and use her. Which, y'know, is your right.

But often, before making a major decision involving the relationship, before bringing in another person or making some change to status or to some major purpose, I like to compare my thoughts on a matter both at my most kinky, and at my least, both when I'm tired, and when I'm awake.
Sometimes if I'm angry, I like to push myself through the various phases and see if I'm still angry throughout all of them.

When I woke up this morning, I poked the monkey to take her meds, and she revealed to me that she had taken them in the early morning; she had stayed up all night. This has been a regular problem recently, and while I haven't been ORDERING her to come to bed, I've been making it clear, I think, that I'm not happy with this behavior (especially considering she wasn't ever happy going to bed without me). Yes, it's been clear, but I've been struggling with some things that have been directly affecting my sleep schedule. I haven't talked to the Top about it because I don't feel I have it adequately sorted out in my head to adequately communicate it. There might be an entry coming from me about this.
I thought for a few minutes, and visualized that I'd wake her up, and sit her down, and give her a piece of paper.

I, the monkey, understand that I have upset my Master by:
  • Staying up all night, repeatedly, to the point where I'm at risk of messing up our schedules.
  • Orgasming without permission while doing the above.
  • Not properly sorting my meds.
  • Not putting out clothes when they need to be.
I understand that as a result of this, my hair is to be cut in a way that pleases my master, and suits my position, and is to be cut down to this length every Sunday, until I gain the privilege back by:
  • Doing at least a half hour of exercise every week day (walking, playing DDR, crunches).
  • Additionally, playing DDR at least once a week in the above. -moan of despair-
  • Working on the studies my Master wants me to learn, at least a half hour a day.
  • Staying on top of Towels, Garbage, Dishes, and Laundry.
  • Getting my library fines sorted out. I can't do this until I get paid.
  • Getting my timesheets at work sorted out. I can't do this until I hear back from the HR person at work.
  • Filling in my daily reports, every day.
  • Sitting and taking my haircuts like a good girl for the next four weeks (today plus three more) I guess this one isn't happening.

And once she signed it, she'd get cuffed, stripped, and buzzed down. I have a pretty good idea of how much I would have done. She'd still have her ponytail, but more along the back and possibly sides would be buzzed to nothing. The style I'm thinking of is called an undercut now that I do a little Google searching. (The pic of the second girl a perfect world, kinda the exact hairstyle the monkey would have, all the time: enough to grab easily, but nothing for gags, blindfolds, or masks to get snagged in). This holds NO appeal for me.

As the thought of such a scene got me rather horny, I proceeded, still half awake, to get myself off and the decision that came as the endorphins soaked my brain was that this was indeed too harsh. (For some reason, a thought that sneaked in there was that a more appropriate response would be to give her a hot, soapy enema instead, but I'm not sure where that came from or if I decided somewhere in there that doing so was also too rough).

At the moment, however, I'm not thinking either treatment is. If I go home and find her asleep, well...time will tell.
He gave me the enema, no hair cut.
topthemonkey: (really)

This isn't a disclaimer per se, I just want to explain a few things. I think this entry portrays me as a pretty crappy slave, and I generally don't think of myself that way. The Top puts more emphasis on my mental illness issues than I would like, both in this entry and in general. I know those who know me well will not do so, but a caveat: please do not take this entry as representative of me as a person and/or slave.  My own disclaimer.: You're not a crappy slave at all.  You're wonderful, and the whole point of this Journal is that people know it.

The monkey was having a hard time with her PMDD a few nights ago, and it came down to her attacking both herself, and me. It was spurred by her telling me not to do something (I think but am not sure I was hitting her butt with a crop, gently), and me laughing about it, because it seemed like a silly request: one I would honor, but the fact that I was smiling, laughing, light hearted, set her off. Actually it was set off by this: The Top took my glasses and was laughing at my squinting. I protested and he told me it was adorable. I was very frustrated.  As I remarked to you on IM just now, it kinda...remined me of Velma from Scooby Doo for reasons I can't quite explain.  I love the little pouty face you make when I take them.  It's the same pouty face you make when I take your nose.  If it's a serious thing, then we'll work it out.

She got really angry, and started biting and pinching me, trying to wrestle it out of my hands. I kept pushing her off, but she kept coming at me, despite my saying no.

After, she wound up on the floor, crying, for several minutes, not liking who she was at all. And I held in things I wanted to say, because I didn't think they'd help. Yelling and screaming wasn't the answer, but neither was laughing (you considered laughing at my crying?). I wanted to tell her "stop crying, you're being ridiculous, get off the floor", but that would have brought tears, so I stood, and watched, and let her cry out. That was kind of depressing, being curled up in a ball on the floor and having you just stand there silently, making no gesture towards me, not offering tissues.  Given what had just transpired, I wasn't sure HOW to react, honestly.  I offered you a paper towel, tho.

It all happened so quickly I can't honestly remember events now, but maybe she'll fill them in.

The next day, when I brought her out of bed, I put her leash on, and as she was using the bathroom I got a set of cuffs, and told her she was going to get her hair cut for attacking me. She immediately said "red". After a moment of trying to convince her otherwise (you said that I was calling red because I did not trust you, which did not jive with my understanding of safewords or trust), to which she replied "you're not honoring red?" I went with it and took the leash off, I didn't have the typical "correct" reaction of saying "there, there, it's allright". I just felt bitter and angry. I don't think there's any "correct" response though perhaps some are more productive than others. Very rarely do you say "there, there, it's all right" when I call "red.No, the response I'm describing is the typical response most people use in red, that we use in Yellow.

In the BDSM context, "red" is supposed to stop an intense scene (I would contend that it is intended to pause whatever activity is going on. "Intense" and "scene" are so subjective I disagree, though.  Think of the attitude it's given at our local playspace.): safewords are mainly used in places where other forms of communication break down, for example, during a flogging screaming "stop," "no," "ow," or crying or struggling. We use it more thoroughly, but she's used it in the past against taking a bath (I don't remember that one), or getting up after not having had enough sleep, or doing things she felt were embarrassing, as opposed to painful. There was context to all of those, and just saying it like that makes me seem like a brat. Also, "red" is not limited to when things are painful; more often than not, when I have called it the reasons have been emotional. Red is also useful when approaching a "hard limit." For us this generally means permanent damage. Her hair is not quite a "hard limit," as such. Though if I had my druthers it would be. This may be something we can talk about.  I don't want to concede it, though.  Your body is mine, love.  We've cut it short before, and I've told her of events that will lose it for her, without question.

Throughout the day, I continued to feel pent-up anger and aggression, and in the evening, I simply stated the sum total of what had been going on inside me. She asked a question about something else (I have no idea what, or if it was at all related), and I realized that the level of honesty was to the point where I needed to say them, and that it wouldn't be damaging to say so, and I said it:

"A real slave would have sat down and taken her punishment like a good girl."

Her response was "are you trying to get a rise out of me?". I explained that I wasn't, that I had just been thinking of how "real" the BDSM element in our relationship felt, discussing it with a friend. Recalling how insulted I had been when another friend had said something to the effect of: "as much as you guys like to claim you're 24/7, you're really not because you don't have complete control over her." I asked other deep questions like "do you like being mine?" and "do you like wearing that collar?" Make no mistake, this has come up in discussion before, what if she no longer wanted that aspect of our relationship (in hypothetical terms, not because I've contemplated leaving I was going to put that, but thought this entry was already getting tangential enough) -- but in this case, there was no doubt that she wanted it.

He also said he wished that I would of my own accord prepare to be shaved down.
I told him that his anger would fade faster than my hair would grow back.  I wasn't doubting that.  Neither should you.  What you should worry about is if my anger fades before I'm done buzzing down your whole scalp. Some time passed, maybe 5-10 minutes, and I was thinking about whether or not I was going to do what he wanted. On her own, and without being ordered, she went over to the bathroom area and took out the hair clippers (we actually use pet-grade clippers, they can tear through the thickest hair better than most home-grade stuff), and got out the handcuffs and the leash. I cuffed her and told her to sit down.

Before I turned on the clippers, she looked at me somewhat defiantly and said "I'm doing this for health insurance". Actually I said that I was earning my health insurance, to which you agreed.  Indeed, my memory was a little fuzzy. I also said that I wasn't sure if the fact that he was willing to risk whatever anger and resentment came was a positive or negative thing.  How much resentment are you feeling? She cried a bit while I did it, but in the end I only buzzed off a few inches at the base of her neck, and then brushed the rest of her hair back and put it in a ponytail.And you were intensely aroused.  I was aroused after.  I don't recall being aroused during.

I have no doubt that if I would have taken more, that she would have grown more upset, and who knows, that day may come at some point. Like some of the most severe punishments our relationship has seen, I didn't want to do a set amount, I wanted to do it until I wasn't angry anymore. The "beat her until I'm not angry anymore" can work out better or worse (on my side) than the set number method. The fact that she took the punishment on willingly...did a lot to alleviate that anger. But I needed also to make it clear this wasn't just a "mindfuck," wasn't just a case of my making her sit down to see if she'd sit.

But this time, I don't think I ever wanted to shave her down to nothing: I like seeing her long hair as a length of how long she's been with me. We've trimmed for some split ends, so really, it's more like "I've been with you at least this long." What I wanted was to see her put on the cuffs (it's a bit tricky to handcuff your own hands behind your back), sit down, and take it like a good girl. I wanted to have her there, helpless, and say "I'm sorry," and know that absolution was there. I wanted her to trust her master instead of calling red as soon as the order was given. And in reading this after I write it, she may once again feel bad about it.

As her master, I need to show her that I've given it chance after chance, but that I need to push, ever gently, on the rules here, and hold her to them. That's the problem, though. If it happens and you don't punish me, over and over again, of course I'm not going to take threats of punishment seriously. We discussed this.  Which is why I was annoyed at your calling red.  It does not work well for me. She's expressed this. I told her while she was showering that after it had grown in, if she did it again, I'd shave off the same spot, and if she more bad things before then, I'd just take more. I would much rather let her slide on dishes being left in the sink on a night she went to bed sick, than let this go by. Yes, she was in extreme emotional circumstances, but that explains it, not excuses it.

Make no mistake, if I find her doing something like using drugs, or deliberately not taking her meds, or something like that, I won't hesitate to take everything, but having it groomable is a work-related thing, to at least some degree, and it does affect her self esteem. It's not self-esteem exactly. It's really complicated. If I wanted to damage that, I could of course be evil and strike fear into her with the words "reverse mohawk" or "mullet."

In short, I believe there would have been far less angst if she'd have tried hard to believe that I understand her attachment to her hair, and understand the relationship between it and her self-esteem. See above. One of the things she needs to understand is that I'd rather -- much rather -- have us both know that all's forgiven, but she's going to look a little less like she wants to, than have us see each other in ways we don't want the other to see. I would rather look at her and see a girl who made a mistake that will take a few months to fully fade, but whom I forgive fully now. The physical matches the emotional, and it makes sense to me.

Note carefully that I've told her if she wants to dye her hair, that she may (after discussing it with me) but after she does, once her roots start coming in, she's getting buzzed down to nada. Because she's as attached to her hair as she is, she hasn't tried using it to "buy" anything with it, although if she did, it might work. I never even thought of that. That's not really how my mind works.

From a slightly more kinked perspective, I like the concept of this kind of haircut. It's something I associate with learning, and privilege. It's an extreme change of appearance that leaves no permanent damage. New slaves are "fuzzy," and longer hair comes with age, experience, and time. You earn your long hair by not making the mistakes that cause you to lose it, or in a more extreme sense, because you're required to cut it regularly. I also like it because it counters some of the norms of traditional beauty, at least to some degree: reference Natalie Portman's character in V for Vendetta, or in a more extreme example, Britney Spears. (To be fair, Natalie looked hot, Britney didn't, but the pics of Britney were pretty badly candid.) And I'd be lying if I said I didn't love the feel of it under my fingers.

I wonder sometimes, what will happen if it gets worse with age. I love her dearly, and know that she loves me. I know that sometimes when TheCrazy sets in, it's easy to lose sight of that. She's already on a cocktail of medications, and I'm loathe to add in Yet Another to the mix, when many forms of birth control could cancel out existing medications.

I need to get a pic of the back of her head put up before it grows out too much.

topthemonkey: (Default)

The monkey and I have joined our local dungeon/play space. We went to orientation earlier this week where we toured the facility (but didn't play because the monkey had forgotten his ID), and last night, we used the place for the first time.

I should mention that when I met the monkey two years ago, playing in public was very much a hard limit. I wouldn't say "very much." Some time at a fetish con, and living with a few kink-friendly people have changed that somewhat, but a new place with new people is still a stressful experience.

We got there around eight, after having dinner with incredibly slow service in a normally-good Mexican chain, but the monkey was having a bizarre personal fixation problem: he wanted a new pair of shoes, because he's been stubbing his toes rather a lot lately. In fact, he had been obsessing over this for most of the evening, despite the fact that I felt he wouldn't be wearing them most of the time. In my own entry I'll explain this. Anyway, after signing in, we ran out again to do this:we were in an unfamiliar area, and finding a shoe store proved rather stressful. We eventually found a PayLess, but I'm generally not a fan since they tend to fall apart. The monkey did his usual retail-female-uncertainty thing, trying on several pairs of open-toed things and mid-height heels (I did not try on any open-toed, and I wasn't being uncertain I was trying to find a pair that fit) (neither of which would do anything to offset the accident-proneness), and we eventually settled on a nice set of male dress shoes for him.

I got him back to the playspace, stripped him to his underwear, took his glasses, and put him into a small floor-cage while I went and used the bathroom. I took out some toys and laid them out on a chair and on top of the cage, and went and attached one half of our suspension cuffs to some ceiling-chains that were nearby. I exposed his back, and his butt, and got going.

However, after bare-handing him a few times, I started to see the angry expression: the expression that shows the monkey's going to break, going to snap and take an alternate, Sybil-like tone, and get aggressive with me. He growled a few times. I pushed a bit, encouraged him to communicate more, told him it could stop any time, and we kept going. I used a crop, a rod (both very nice things), as well as both of my deerskin floggers on him. (I love this new flogger, it's just so pretty. I really need to put a picture of it up here at some point.1.) He told me that his arms were tired (I said my shoulders were starting to hurt and I'm trying to be more conscious of such things since I've started regularly going to a chiropractor), and he needed something to lean against, and I moved him over to a very heavy St. Andrews Cross: really well made, with adjustable restraint points. I put the suspension cuffs up on those, and as his tits were just straddling the "X", put a set of clamps on those as well, so if he backed off, the chain would tug. I continued flogging, quite hard, with the Big Flogger, really developing a good rhythm and form.2, moving along to my other toys, the rubber one occasionally, covering his entire back side pretty well. I wasn't going for catharsis or anything like that, but it got to the point where I could hear him sobbing, and I looked and found his nose runny. I got him some tissues and let him down, and after some brief cleanup we headed to the "cooldown area", a lounge of sorts, and met some of the group. The timeline there is a little messed up. I was crying a good portion of the time I was on the cross, the Top knew and asked me if I wanted to continue and I said I did.

I cannot express enough how awesome and comfortable these people made me feel. While I of course don't mention names (hell, even our own), it was a very friendly, fun crowd, easily relatable, and very accommodating. I got a chance to play show and tell with our suspension cuffs, and tell brag about the deal we got on them, and the like.

After some others proceeded in for another round of playing, we did too. This time we wound up in the "medical play" room, where I tied the monkey to a stirrup table with a plethora of a rope, put a spreader bar between his legs, and gagged him with a roll of vetwrap (as in, just popped the roll in his mouth). This is the condensed version. A few people walked through the room while we were going at it, all were respectful, none conversed unless I started it, but I tend to like over-the-shoulder conversation. At one point, a couple giving a tour peeked quietly in. The Top waved at them. It was very surreal.

We hadn't brought any lube, or a vibrator, unfortunately: I had told the monkey to, but he had felt that he wouldn't be at that level of comfort on this trip. Consequently the only lube we had was some SurgiLube that was already there, and I worked him up for what was probably close to 45 minutes before he dried out and my arm started getting tired. He tried to tell me through the gag that he needed more lube and how to better finger-fuck me, but I was trying to be cautious as we'd never used this product before. He seemed okay with it, so I slathered it in, and went back at it. Another few minutes of (ahem) deep tissue massage, and he was ready to come. However, I need to mention something here...when I thought he was getting close, I *ordered* him to come, and he did, within a few seconds. This...amazes me. It's been a stressor before, both for him and for me, gives him performance anxiety, and he handled it so well. I think a big factor in that is I'm trying to let myself go and be more obvious when I feel myself getting close and the Top has also gotten better at picking up on when I'm on the verge of orgasm.

Again, cleanup. Again, back out to the cooldown area. The ride home was nice, too, we talked a lot. I shared some radically honest things about an ex, and the best sex we had ever had (the ex and I). I also related that because this dungeon requires condoms for vaginal and anal penetration, that I didn't think I'd be having much sex there. I revealed to the monkey that there's a loss of some sensation since my hernia surgery. Not a lot...just coupled with the additional loss of sensation of a condom, it's just not...nice. I like the closeness of flesh on flesh; I think once the monkey gets his wisdom teeth out and his TMJ under better control, we may do more oral there.

Thoughts for future visits:

  1. I need some kind of transporable gear carrier. I ideally like the "street salesman" case, a suitcase with unfoldable legs type thing, but other things are workable and my mind's now going at it. I am in favor of buying a case from For Your Nymphomation, perhaps this. Or just a good duffel bag.
  2. The lockers they have there are just a few inches too short for some of our impact toys. But they bend.
  3. Other people I'm working with have expressed nervousness at public play but feelings of being okay with being a helper, one to go get water and get me toys, and otherwise observe. I'm thinking a blue play-collar (get it?) for this purpose might be great. Oh look, sub-shop's having a sale, and this is on sale too.
  4. Buying some food in advance. I'm thinking hitting the nearby subway would have probably been a good idea. This kind of stuff is exhausting. I really only like Subway sandwiches immediately after they're made. Otherwise the dressing soaks in and it's oogy.
  5. Other things, I'm sure. Things the monkey will add, I'm sure.

1. Hell, I need to have one of the slaves photo-catalogue all our toys here, and rate them on cost, history, and pain factor.
2. I believe flogging is somewhat an art and a technique, and I'd actually like to make up a flogger Kata

topthemonkey: (Default)

The monkey and I recently came across a friend looking for advice, who is new and inexperienced to the world of kink.

For various reasons, I was unable to offer it to them directly, but I put a good deal of thought into it, and it was what I feel is good generalized advice, so I'd like to offer it here.

I am "the top". I hate labels. They imply things that are not true. I think labels are often useful. I just wrote several very-long entries stating that I see people as "subs" meaning "subordinate" to me, people who would be students, who would seek to learn. I don't call myself a "Master" or a "Dominant" or "Lord Vader" or any of the other crazy titles that some people make up. I also mis-use the label "subs" to define any of:


  • Submissives who serve me
  • People who are collared, but who do not serve in any sexual or BDSM sense
  • People who Just Don't Have Their Life Together, or who in a social setting consistently fall under me.


I only use it for the first one. I don't do the obnoxious capitalization of Me/My/Mine that some of these people do. I don't attend a week-long course at a "Master's Academy" and believe that qualifies me to dominate someone, whose loyalty and trust should be earned over time and with effort.

As occasionally happens, the problem I had in trying to offer insight and advice became an issue of the medium versus the message, the semantics versus the sentiment, and the adversity versus the advice.

The monkey and I recently talked about this book over dinner. I remarked that I could probably write an entire counter book and call it something like "Game Over: how to rise above the meat-market mentality and find a loving life-long relationship". It apparently involves several techniques for getting women to follow you, mostly by being enigmatic and dishonest and by tearing them down. Eh, not exactly. It's about manipulation in a more general sense. Read this article to get a better idea. Keep in mind this book is not at all about S&M.

The monkey and I are in the kind of relationship that most people normally mis-associate with demeaning behavior: the kind of behavior this book advocates, where a submissive is told "you're worthless" or "you're nothing" or "you're pathetic". That's really not what the book advocates, and from speaking to others this sort of degradation is more an "in the moment" type thing. I don't even use these kinds of words to describe really anyone I care to know, submissive or not. Everything I do with the monkey is intended to nurture, to bring him up. If there's punishment, it's to remove previous wrongdoing and get on with our lives, instead of letting things linger. If there's anger, it's because that's what I'm feeling and I'm trying to be forthright in making that known so it can be fixed.

My advice-seeking friend recently confessed to us that they had had experiences being dominant with a partner in the bedroom and enjoyed it. They also professed that they felt somewhat above their partner for various reasons, and wanted to control other aspects of their behavior (such as life improvement, and reduced drug use) but were met with opposition and eventually a walking-out on.

She asked me for advice on how to explore these aspects of her personality. To be fair, it felt as though she wasn't even sure WHAT she were asking me for, and a lot of it just felt like a braindump.

She mentioned that she liked being worshiped, like a goddess. I address that specific desire individually:

Being worshiped is great for a scene. It's great for bedroom play. It's wonderful for a one-night stand. It's good for a spicy night in an otherwise vanilla relationship. That seems like a pretty big jump for a vanilla couple. There's ostensibly no shortage of submissive men willing to do this for either a short or long period of time, but IMHO, it's not healthy. Constant boot-licking will eventually get old for both parties, and it doesn't expand to the full basis of a relationship. It doesn't scale. It can't. Besides having no variety, and getting fiercely repetitive, it lacks a karmic balance in that one constantly gives, the other constantly takes, and things get out of whack. One could argue that both parties are taking something from the experience.

If you are interested in learning more about Kink, and about yourself, here's some advice:

Find a mentor. I don't think this is necessary. Learning about this takes years and years, and it's a slow journey. I feel this depends on how general the area of interest is and what the tentative goals are regarding bdsm. Find someone that can introduce you to people, and show you the ropes. I hope that wasn't an intentional pun. Who can tell you where to go for good toys (I learned on my own), and who can tell you where the good parties are assuming you are the sort of person who has interest in bdsm parties, which not all kinky people are. Who can give you the education that need to be able to play safely and be sure of yourself, but who you won't think it trying to oppress, dominate, or control you. Find someone you can sanity-check your experiences with: "Is it okay to do this or that?" or "He wanted to do X, is that even possible?" There are communities everywhere for this. Collarme, Fetlife, etc. There's clubs and groups in your area (in every area). Find one.

Read some of the blogs and books the monkey posted about earlier.

With regard to actual bedroom sex and play, assuming in all cases consenting, aware, adults:

Be open minded. Discuss things you'd like to try. If you know and have some experience with your partner at least a little, there's leeway for at least a bit of spontaneity. If in that case there's something you want to try, try it. Want to grab their hair and pull them into you? Want to give them orders? Try it, gently at first. I feel you should not spring these things on a partner out of nowhere. Even if you've been together years, if you haven't discussed the aforementioned actions, you don't know what the reaction is going to be, and it could be pretty awful. Learn your partner's cues: what he does when he likes it, and when he doesn't, and work based on those. I strongly discourage relying on perceived cues. Ask for constant feedback. If you want them not to touch you with their hands, say that. If you want them to do ONLY what you say, then say that. Get where you need to go, get your partner where he needs to go after, and enjoy the experience.

If this is a type of relationship where you'll be able to them neutrally at an "hours later" time, then open communications: Ask your partner afterward, what he thought of it, and listen to the response. (Did you like it when I did X? Was it nice when you did Y? (Or, be a "real dom," and claim that you don't care!) I suspect that's sarcastic. Tell him what you thought of it. Learn about yourself. Learn about them. The only caveat here is to be mindful of risks. If you want to try something more extreme, do your homework. Do not assume that your partner has done all the research. If someone wants you to do something that they swear up and down is safe, but that you doubt, trust your instincts. Unless you say "yes," it's rape. Your body is your own, and no matter how dominant you are, his isn't.

With regard to a relationship:

You're asking me for advice on self-discovery, and how to find someone who will meet this side of yourself. "I want to be worshipped" is not the terms of a relationship. It could be. I am in a long-term relationship, and that's where my advice would focus, so here's some of that:

Be Honest. Be open. Be loving. Be caring. Be a friend. Be a lover.

All of that transcends being a dom or a sub; transcends Kink or Vanilla, and all of it describes what I have with the monkey. It's the greatest thing in the world when you have it, and I wish everyone could have it.

Getting into a long term relationship can come on quickly, but at some point, you need to examine your needs, and the needs of a partner.

You could say "I want a car with leather seats and an Ow-ooga horn." That covers a wide range of cars, some of which run, some of which don't. Some will break down on you, some will fall apart on you. You owe it to yourself to lay out everything. I could find you a ford pinto with SOME kind of leather seats and that kind of a horn. You owe it to yourself to detail what you WANT, what you NEED, and what you'll settle for.

Just as I did in my last entry, you should do the same. Here's an example based on the monkey and I:

I expect from the monkey:


  • Honesty, whenever possible.
  • Sex on a more or less regular basis
  • The ability to call you demeaning things Yeah but he does this really playfully.
  • You to be able to learn your limits
  • My house clean and in order The house being a studio apartment.
  • For the monkey to be able to take care of himself
  • For the monkey to do (school/work/etc) what he needs to be fulfilled


I provide for the monkey:


  • Guidance and feedback
  • A firm hand and rough sex when he wants it
  • Food, shelter, clothing, books, health insurance


I will not abide:


  • The monkey being involved with one abusive partner from his past
  • The monkey self-harming
  • Self-abusive or demeaning behavior


There's more, of course...and maybe one day I'll detail it all, but that covers the basic needs.

If you have a list in advance, and know what you're getting, know the parameters of the relationship you want, then, be you dom or sub, you're more prepared for it.

It feels like there's so much more I could write, but this was the advice I had prepared, so that's the gist of the post I'm making, albeit reworded.

In closing, I apologize if this entry seemed rushed. I may have some refinements to do, but I needed to get it out so I could get on with my day. I've had a rather angry night. Luckily, I have a very good editor-monkey.

topthemonkey: (Default)

Note: this is a five part entry, posted in five daily parts. It's strongly suggested you start with the first, here, and read from there. Further parts of the entries may be further edited based on comments, and are also still being copy-edited, but if you would like to read it all-at-once, it's available here. Note that single-spaced, it comes out to nine pages in OpenOffice, so the daily breaks are for both digestibility as well as readability. On the same note, I think I may get more useful comments and feedback with multiple parts. This notice will appear on each entry.

Meeting the family

I recently remarked to the monkey that it seems that, in my BDSM-related life contexts, I have the full spectrum of gender-feelings pretty well covered in some very special people it's my privilege to know.

I have in my life the following. I am numbering them only so I can refer to them later easily, and I'm not trying in this list to fully explain their sex/gender/sexuality:

  1. a genderqueer and queer bio-female (the monkey).
  2. a cisgendered bisexual bio-female
  3. an ftm
  4. an mtf
  5. a hetero bio-female
  6. a female whose ideal sexuality would be to go "nullo"
  7. and of course a mostly hetero cisgendered male (myself).

Not all of the above wear my collar. None of the above save for the monkey do, in fact. Several are obedient to me, most have called me "Sir" or "Sensei" in the past.

Which I suppose brings me to where I introduce the folks above. I'm not giving them nicknames, or anything else right now. I'm not sure this journal will come to be about them. It's called, after all, TopTheMonkey for a reason. It's about me as a top, the monkey as a not-top, and our interactions. Any of those three. Even mentioning these people here feels like a violation in those terms.

  1. You know the monkey. This is our space. I won't get into expansions here.

  2. This is my other girl, who serves me in a technical sense: my IT department and accountant. From a fetish side, she is a dirty, dirty girl and deeply kinky. She handles clerical work for me. She understands the computer systems I prefer to use, and is slowly learning programming languages I prefer. She is second on the list above. Major points of development are emotional maturity, self-esteem, and better socialization. I want her to be a stronger person. She is an ocean away, but spent a month with the monkey and I last November/December. It was in many ways a stressful visit, and most of this is probably best served in another post. What I will mention is that as one of her first acts as a sub was to be beaten a number of times with the monkey's punishment stick, then to have her head shaved. (The monkey and I started out in a very similar way). From a "service" side, she is under consideration for receiving a collar: she wears one when she's with me, but it's not the permanent one.

  3. This person has recently announced his male-ness to the world, and makes new discoveries every day. The monkey has loaned him a number of great books and I hope to grow them further together, hope for the monkey to be a resource for him to use and have them able to learn from each other. However, the thing to mention here very cautiously, is that my role to this person is less master and more Sensei: In this role, I am life-coach and conscience. I am the person who one must ask for permission before doing something one knows is wrong. While I can imagine him in some limited kink scenarios (wearing cuffs, being on a leash, or maybe serving in some ancillary "assiting" factor during play), I don't really have a sexual interest. In fact I've stated that because of FTM and body-image issues, I may see the definition of "naked" for him as "chest binder and underwear", never stripping off what he needs to be what he truly is. Goals in development here are life-bootstrapping, debt control, self-honesty, and the process of fully embracing the person he's becoming. Relationship is similar in some ways to #5, below.

  4. Our MTF is mainly here to fill out the grid. For the longest time, he/she called me sir (I use that he/she syntax to state that the history predates transition, not to be crude), and I'm remaining available to answer questions to her, but she's in her own relationship with another bio-female. I recently proposed having her out to play and was told it would be at the discretion of the comfort of her partner, who had been feeling increasingly possessive and protective as she became more female. At this point, I graciously suggested that she stop calling me "sir". There's potential there, but it's a long story and would involve a lot of work and negotiation. I should mention also that #4 and her partner knew #2 long before I did. There's other issues there that are best reserved for other entries.

  5. Aah, this one. Someone I've known for years, who is going through several rough places. She recently (within the past year) had her husband decide he couldn't handle his role as a parent/husband, and left for greener pastures. Divorce is still pending. No child support has been paid. Her family's been supportive and helping, but being alone is hard on her. Right before he left, however, they were trying to get back into kink, which was a long time interest of hers. Since then, she's been exploring the local scene on FetLife, but has encountered quite a number of people who are unable to make a commitment to her, or be honest about why. She deserves better. I don't feel I can commit either, as she's in the Midwest, and seeks monogamy, and also says she would safeword if there were another female involved in a scene. I can be realistic about that, though. What I am able to do, however, is give her someone to report to, to be obedient to, to act as she would for a potential master, to try to satiate at least part of the need. She doesn't call me Sir yet, although I may change that. Currently goals are similar to #3, keeping life together, self-improvement, putting what matters (family, her daughter, her safety) first (and not accepting compromise), being communicative and honest, and acting as a master would want her to ask. I tend to give her not "orders" but "suggestions" in a verb tense I'm not sure the name of: "I believe you'd be able to masturbate tonight" or "Your master would be very upset with you." I use this verb tense with #3 quite a bit as well, speaking about how I'd handle a situation if he were collared.

  6. This friend, also someone I've known for years, lives about five hours away. She's a total sweetheart, and is on an interesting voyage of self-discovery as both an artist and a person. Similar to #5, she's recently separated from her husband, but in this case in a poly-gone-wrong sort of sense. She's worked in the sex industry in various senses, and would be quite interested in having her sex completely smooth and featureless. Oddly, this appeals to me (in another person anyway, I like my own parts as they are), as a way of saying "this relationship can never ever be sexual". We haven't spoken much very recently as she's been on several interesting quests. I know what I'd like for/from her, but I'm not sure if she's ready for it.

  7. This is me, the top. Clearly, like the first item in this list, you know the last well enough.

That's the end of this section. Hopefully, you already see that not all of the above are "submissives" in what many would consider the classical sense. In the next entry, we'll cover how I've come to start seeing nearly everyone around me through the same paradigm, and how it's caused problems, and may have pre-empted others.

Once again, comments encouraged and welcome


topthemonkey: (Default)

October 2012

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