topthemonkey: (disappointed virginity)
I have a problem that I think is pretty common to submissives/slaves - never thinking you're good enough.

Not that you're not good enough for your Dom(me), it's not about feeling unworthy. It's about always feeling like you could be doing more, better. Like what you do is never enough.

"If I were a better slave, xyz would be easy for me."

"xyz" in my case tends to refer to a few specific duties.

Anything that involves the Top's semen and my mouth, particularly swallowing; shaving, particularly my genitalia; forgiving myself after the Top has forgiven me for an infraction . . . I guess those are the biggest ones. Sometimes my uniform, not wanting to wear it at all.

Two days ago I shaved my genitalia. The Top did not ask me to. He had not said anything on the matter. But my pubic hair was getting (what he considers to be) long and I knew, a)once he noticed he would say something, b) that it would please him, and c) it was what he expected from a good slaveboy. And I really do try to be a good slaveboy.

Yesterday I was beating myself up (mentally, emotionally) for not being good enough. I thought, I would be happy to do xyz for my Top if I were a better slave.

But then I thought, maybe it means more that I do these things for him that are often hard for me, things I would not do if he didn't tell me to.

If these tasks were easy, if they were things I would do anyway, that I liked doing, how much signifcance would there be to my doing them for the Top?
topthemonkey: (disappointed virginity)
I recently told the Top, in one of my more candid and less considerate moments, that I felt like a whore, a prostitute. He was understandably hurt by this. This is what I meant.

I stay here and live with the Top for free. He pays for my shelter, food, clothing, amenities, and other things I don't even need, like books. I don't work at all. And yes, I do various chores around the house, and yes, I'm a full-time student and yes, it's his job to take care of me. But I still feel like I'm repaying him with sexual favors, that I owe him sex because of everything he does for me.

This issue isn't new. It goes back to when I was 15. The first boy I was sexual with, I felt like I owed him for giving me his time and attention. And what did he want? Well, obviously, he wanted what all males wanted-sex.
Of course, years later I realized that I didn't "owe" people for giving me time and attention and that not all males wanted sex all the time and that this exchange idea was kind of fucked-up. But it's been a really hard lesson to un-learn.

And I feel like this even more so, when it's things like rent and utilities.

my uniform

Feb. 24th, 2008 12:00 pm
topthemonkey: (Default)
For reasons which may or may not have been mentioned in the past, at the Top's previous residence I was unable to wear my uniform, basically because its nature offended certain parties. Now this is not the case.

My uniform consists of: short black skirt, white button-up top, white ankle socks, the black pet collar I have been wearing as of late, the Top's black leather ankle and wrist cuffs.
Every day, after I shower (which is to be no more than an hour after waking) until it's time to get ready for bed.

My main complaint was that I was incredibly cold. Now the Top permits me to wear clothing under the uniform.

My new main complaint is that wearing this every day, for a minimum of, oh, 10 hours is boring. Very, very boring.

Those of you who know me at least fairly well in the real world know that I primarily dress for comfort. I like t-shirts and cargo pants. I like playing dress-up, but not for more than a few hours at a time.
I own a lot of black, but I have clothing in a variety of colors [notably shades of green and pink (yes, I know, pink)] and I almost never wear white. I have some short skirts for when I feel the urge to wear them, but I have a strong preference for long skirts. I have a Tzniut fetish, what can I say.

The white button-down shirts, as well as most of the skirts I have been wearing were purchased by the Top for this express purpose.

One of my favorite websites to drool over is Sock Dreams ("unique, sexy socks for unique, sexy people"). I can and have spent hours on that website. I don't favor ankle socks and I especially don't favor white socks. I love knee-high socks. The Top dislikes them as he thinks my calves are one (or two?) of my sexiest physical attributes.

The Top has mentioned a few times, as recently as 2 minutes ago, letting me have a casual day. This is all well and good but not what I'm driving at. I realize he's well within his prerogative here and would feel guilty if he completely acquiesced to my wishes.
But I feel like the employee of a catering hall. Just one who is not allowed to change when the shift ends.


topthemonkey: (Default)

October 2012

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