topthemonkey: (Default)

(represent, yo.)

(quietly adds that to the list of things he should never say out loud)

Anyway, I need to express pride in the monkey for at least three things.

1) Taking a two-mile walk, by herself, to pick up her meds, when I was otherwise unable to and when we had a deadline.

This really impresses me, and as happens every so often, I'm afraid the monkey doesn't know how proud I am.

2) Having the guts to wear her collar through airport security.

Funny considering it hasn't set off metal detectors before. But it did this time, and she got the ultra-special wanding/screening for it.

3) Braving her family.

This one most of all. We're back "home" for a few days, and she's visiting her family. She loves them all dearly, but they're people who, to put it in therapeutic terms, haven't decided they want to be healthy yet. We've been apart for a few days, and that should end today.

I love her so much.

topthemonkey: (disappointed virginity)
It turns out I went home for less than 24 hours. The details are in my private blog but if you don't have it then I'll just say there was a lot of family shit and the Top saw with his own eyes how unhealthy my house is. I feel like he didn't "get it" before that, though I tried to explain.

Ever since we left my house I've been feeling less trusting and submissive towards him and more upset in general. I'm balking at things I wouldn't have even a week before.

I think part of it is that I've realized there's part of me that I'm not ready to give up. I guess this is related to the trust thing.

I feel like I have to say, no, this is not OK and I won't do it, regarding certain things that he'll mention he might or does want. Because I don't believe that he knows as well or better than I do what is best for me.

I've decided that this is it, that I'm not going back, I'm staying here. This was a huge decision for me. Making the transition is emotionally difficult. He doesn't seem to understand why.

I feel like I'm abandoning my family. I tried to explain this and then he jumped in with anecdotes about feeling abandoned by his family but that's not it. They're not abandoning ME, I'm abandoning THEM.

Overall though, I'm optimistic about things improving. I see this as more situational than anything and I'm happy that we're talking about problems as they arise.
topthemonkey: (Default)
I've been very troubled by this going home business. If I had a set date, I could emotionally prepare and then go through with it.

But it's just been hanging over my head for the past MONTH and there have been at least three times I started to pack and then it turned out, oh, not happening after all.

Last weekend we took a drive and ended up approximately 2.5 hours from my house and the Top mentioned that he could drop me off. I didn't bring any of my stuff with me because he told me that wasn't happening. I got rather upset, and didn't/still don't feel like he understands.

The Top makes plans last minute and has no issue with this. He doesn't seem to understand why I panic. But it's different for him as he's the one making the changes in plans. My travel plans are subject to his whims.

Another part of why I'm anxious about this: I used to love trains, had no problem traveling by myself, but now it makes me very anxious. I think this is due in large part to how confined I've been kept. I feel like the Top is cultivating my social anxiety.
topthemonkey: (fight club)
Monkey was supposed to return home yesterday.  Monkey did not (mainly to my own late start in the day, feeling ill).

Monkey may go home soon, but, in the meantime.

Monkey's new collar has been ordered from NeoSteel.
topthemonkey: (v)
The subject line says it all, really.

Today, the monkey departs back to our previous homeland (a few hundred miles away).  I'm driving him.  He'll be staying with his parents.  Other than his (fairly discreet) pet collar, there will be no kink.

His responsibilities are simple: Make himself ready to belong to me.  Prove himself capable of taking care of what will be my property.

This includes on a more minor level: Showering daily, eating healthy, waking at a reasonable and consistent hour, doing at least some nominal exercise each day.  These may not sound difficult, but when I'm home I turn into an insomniac who just drifts listless around the house and only eats carbs, never leaving, showering once a week, staying in pajamas, hating life. His masturbation restriction remains, and I'm unlikely to grant any permission remotely.  Same for the restriction on his favorite food. I'm guessing he means ice cream.

The Monkey is to have no personal contact with the person (mentioned earlier in this Journal) who forced himself on The Monkey.  They've been talking online, and while the monkey still considers him a friend (I'm sorry, (No, you're not) but I don't think I  "get it", monkey.  He rapes you.  You masturbate afterwards (Technically it was during).  You report it to me, sobbing.   You guys remain friends.  And he'd do it again given half a chance.  Hell, he HAD done it again, even knowing you might be punished.)

I've told the monkey, that when he returns, he'll be getting a steel collar.  I believe that his collar will be one from NeoSteel, at least at first.  The investment is reasonable, it's comfortable, and still looks okay to mundanes. I really disagree on that last point.  He may "graduate" up to finer collars, but for a new slave, this one is a fair choice.  (I would have considered a gorean collar from houseofcollars/eternitycollars/dreamstrike, but a) I've already owned those before and b) the monkey previously wore one.)

Other conditions will be evident when he returns as well -- even though he's been IN this new house for a while, to gain rank in this new house, he will have to start from the ground up, and that means when he comes here, he will be restricted to the house for at least a couple weeks, probably not even allowed internet or IMs (other than for school and therapeutic reasons).
I have issues with this. I tend to isolate myself to begin with, having some social anxiety, and I really don't think this will be healthy for me. Going out to eat is overwhelming for me right now, I've spent so much time confined. Also, due to the lack of exercise, even walking ANYWHERE my achilles tendons are getting tighter and I practically get out of breath walking to the mailbox.

I want him to enter this house as a full slave.  Naked, wearing nothing but his collar.  With a contract, signed.  On the contract note, I may post it here for review.  The way I hope to work it is he will have a base contract, with core, inalienable rules.  His property.  His uniform.  His core responsibilities.  His safeword privileges.  Who may (or who may not) give him orders to do what.  Then, any time his privileges change, he will receive a copy of the new rules, and will have to sign them.  In this way, there can be no doubt as to his expectations.  Similar for changes to chores and expected duties (the difference being the Other Master can assign him chores, whereas real rules are strictly myself).  And so much more, to be detailed, after the fact.

He's nervous as hell, poor thing.  Scared of not coming back. Scared of the commitments involved when he comes back.  Scared of breaking the "I'm going to be moving away" news to Parents and still having them cover certain things. Scared of what will happen when I am home.

He's a good slave, though, and I have complete faith in him.  He has in the past (and will continue to) make me proud.

My name is D, and I love my Monkey.  Beyond words.
topthemonkey: (Default)

Monkey and I are staying with another Master/Slave couple. I continue to say "temporarily" although desires have been expressed on all sides to make it a more permanent arrangement. That said, you may see some new players in this Journal. I'll generally refer to myself as "the top" in this Journal, and in general do not prefer the title "Master" for myself (although I'm working on accepting it as a "calling" in scene, i.e. "Yes Master" (I've always preferred "Sir") but not "Master D"). My philosophy has been, as it was in the past -- I've had business cards that read "CTO" of companies, but "System Admin" is what I *do*. It's an action word. Master is a title. And I've never been one for titles.

So for now, and for a while in the future, you may see an odd mishmash of alphabet soup here, dear readers.

In writing here, you may see my new housemate and partner in crime referred to as "The Master" or "The Master of the House" (Abbreviated: TMOTH) or something similar. I, for all intents and purposes, and in keeping true to the spirit of this blog, am to be referred to as "The Top". My partner will always be "The Monkey", regardless of what role she fulfills here, be it slave, submissive, or simply pet. For the record, I don't plan at this time to have any other partners of this nature, although I've given a few other people a few orders since I've been here. (That may be the subject of another post entirely). If/when I/we take up permanent residence in this house, this Journal's profile will be updated with these acronyms, including some well-anonymized info on other regulars, such as slaves the master may regularly be training.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled posting...

It's been noted in this journal that I've had trouble in the past getting the monkey to "call" when he's feeling at his limits. And this lack of communication has been frustrating enough that it's been maddening, especially during periods of intense pain play. During the Monkey's recent (first) flogging, this was one of my fears -- and while I was sitting there, ready to stop the scene if the unthinkable happened, I had not made it clear to TMOTH that there was a danger factor. Given, the monkey was well-restrained. Given, I could have handled the situation, and given, the Bad Things did not happen, but...

So, for whatever reason today, the Master's current slavegirl was sent up to the master's room. I took the opportunity to send the monkey up to hers as well, and to stand for a few minutes in the Kitchen and talk with TMOTH about things, basically covering things such as:

  • The need for certain "out of band" signaling in play between us.
  • Modifications to house rules such that we can give a single command and have the slaves clear the room so that we may talk. (I may have to get some sort of hearing protection devices for the slaves to wear during these times).
  • My reasons and logic for sending the Monkey back home.
  • My expectations and desires for what changes will happen upon her return.
  • A few "you should know about this, I should have told you about this before" items concerning the Monkey's flogging.
  • Some of my own history, that despite having known The Master for ten years, that I wasn't sure he knew.
  • Differences in our respective dynamics, and where we can come to a meeting of the minds (for example, the fact that we take to mean yellow where most people mean red -- or at least did in the past).

So, after I called the Monkey back down, and The Master had gone back upstairs for some alone-time with his slave, the monkey asked what we had talked about. And then kept asking if we had talked about specific things, and what was said.

While he asserts he didn't really "force the issue", I don't feel he adequately accepted the fact that he was sent out of the room so we could talk for a reason. He's now expressed concerns that nothing he's said will be in confidence (this is not the case -- but some information is important for people to know.) I feel I gave in too much and didn't take the "none of your business" stance hard enough.

Oddly, the monkey LIKES being talked about when he's in the room, as though he's not. Of course, there, the curiosity factor isn't in play.

I also pointed out that what I told The Master was for The Master's own caution and information, not to embarass or degrade the monkey. I made a judgment call to make certain information shared on a need-to-know basis, and the *only* reason it became a problem was because the monkey asked (and because the monkey noticed his "flogging" entry was up on-screen earlier). Otherwise I have every confidence that the information passed would have been handled with discretion and savoir-faire, and that it will not affect the severity or intensity of play, simply the case of "when I say back off and let me handle it, I mean it".

On a related note, I have the desire to post that, yes, I *am* sending the Monkey home for an indeterminate period of time. I will give some, but not all, of my reasons for doing so here:

  1. The monkey has business to take care of back there. Everything from returning library books to maxing out prescriptions, and making plans to change doctors. I need to know that she can be trusted to do so.
  2. I need to see that she can keep to standing orders even if left alone.
  3. I want her decision to join this house, and under what terms, to be a decision made not-under-duress (i.e. while she is here).
  4. I need some time to prepare for her return, in more than one way (for example, clearing a day or two of my work schedule to be clear to handle her).
  5. I need her to be ready for what this entails. I am not unwilling to rule out that to return here, she may need to be ready to accept a collar (other than the training one from petco she wears now). She has asserted that she wanted to know me for at least a year before accepting such...which would mean she'd be deferred till June, or have to retract that desire. Much as this feels like Blackmail, moving her in with me, having her change her legal residence, is NOT a decision I take lightly.
  6. Also in play is that while her home environment isn't the healthiest thing, they are family that she loves, and her visit time home will be limited thereafter.
  7. Not in the least, because when I came down here, the initial plan was that she would be coming with me to help, as a guest, and to get me through the move with some sanity. It was always in the plan that she would "follow me" down AFTER I had established a more permanent residence (OUTSIDE this place), after her stuff was taken care of. The fact that she is in all online courses this semester is convenient, and had to do with another, longer-distance move that was imminent (cross-country), that I decided not to do. Ultimately though, while convenient, it changes nothing. While I, for logistical reasons, can take on a more permanent residence at this place; going from guest to rent-paying tenant "instantly", I want her to come down "anew" whenever the next time is, entering domain I've established for me. And for that, a sabbatical is necessary.
  8. And finally, with respect to TMOTH and after the kindness and generosity he's already shown me at a moment's notice, I want her to be invited to live here, not slipped into the deal like a piece of my baggage. I want the question I ask of him, after MUCH discussion of the potential dynamic, to be "May she join us?", not "May she stay?" (I do not want the stigma of "Please mom, it followed me home!")

So much to do...

topthemonkey: (disappointed virginity)

I knew that I was coming back
I had an idea of when I'd be coming back
I felt like I was wanted here
people weren't being purposefully vague and/or evasive
people weren't trying to send me home even before my meds run out
home were not such an unhealthy place for me

then I might not be constantly fighting off tears whenever the subject is brought up.

I know this is a test in many ways. I know I'm supposed to be a good monkey and not question or worry and just trust that the Top wouldn't do anything to harm me and wants to be with me. I could say I'm trying to do these things, to trust and let go, but I guess I'm really not.
topthemonkey: (martin zurmuhle)
The Top is going to send me away, home. It makes sense; I don't have a lot of clothes here and I'll run out of meds soon. I have to see my shrink. I want to say "wrap things up" but honestly, what have I got to wrap up? -shrug- Give my mom a few documents she needs for insurance and stuff, take some documents with me, for medical records and stuff. Give her an address to forward my mail to.

I've acclimated very quickly to this environment and routine. Grown attached to the Master we are staying with and his slavegirl so fast (the cathartic flogging hastened that).

Going away wouldn't be such a big deal to me if I knew when I was coming back. I asked the Top how long I would be gone and he said "more than a day, less than a year. probably."
I'm sure he was being vague on purpose, but he has said that my time at home will be kind of like a test, to see how well I behave when I'm away, punishment is delayed, rules cannot be reinforced in-person, and my environment is no longer conducive to the lifestyle.
I don't know if he's going to see how it goes and then decide or he already has an idea of how long I'll be home.

Last week I would have said with certainty that he couldn't go more than a few days, maybe a week or two maximum, without ordering me to come to him.

But a lot has changed since last week.


topthemonkey: (Default)

October 2012

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