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I have been trying to explain to the Top for months that I need to be seeing a therapist in-person at least once a week. I've tried to explain that this is crucial for my mental health, that I'm depressed and lonely. I've researched therapists that are nearby, ones that are in his health plan. He's said that we can't really afford it right now. I've accepted that.

The Top has been trying to punish me into taking care of myself. You cannot punish depression out of someone. I mean, it's an additional motivation to take care of myself, yeah. But mental illness is strong and deep-seated.

Tonight he decided I need to see a therapist because I'm not getting better. He's been working a lot since we moved here, but he's just noticing this now? It wasn't clear from all the times I explicitly said "I'm not getting better, I need help"? He feels badly for not being able to "fix" me himself. I am not a thing to be fixed. He says he can't take this anymore, can't take a slave who doesn't care properly for herself (and therefore her Master's property).

On the one hand, finally I can get some fucking help with this shit. On the other hand, why didn't we have this conversation months ago? I feel hurt that addressing my mental health issues on a deeper level is only a priority when he decides it affects him sufficiently.
topthemonkey: (Default)
The Top was not pleased by my last entry. He was hurt, I think, that I was feeling like he was less interested in me. He pointed out that I have not been serving him well lately, and that my personal care daily chores (waking up early-ish, taking my meds, showering, changing clothes) are just as much D/s as flogging and fucking. I know this. And when my personal care starts to decline, that's a big warning sign that I'm depressed. When I'm depressed, the Top feels as if he should be able to do something to bring me out of it, and it frustrates him that it doesn't really work that way.

Today at lunch the Top suggested shaving my head and starting over to help me remember my place. Sort of a reboot. I immediately started to cry. He said he didn't know what punishment he could devise, as none of them seemed to sink in. I disagree. I mean, punishment helps, but . . . I don't know any foolproof method for getting me to consistently take care of myself. I know I am my Master's property and as such I have to care for myself. I know I have to do what he says. It feels so simple but then in reality it all breaks down.

This isn't like asking permission to get into bed where I forget, get punished, repeat a few times, then remember and don't do it again. This comes from a different place. It's not just about old habits or patterns of behavior. It's also about dragging myself through daily routine despite depression (hot alliteration there).

The Top is realizing that, to a certain degree at least, I need to be micromanaged (at this point in my life and our relationship). I need someone to say, you need to do xyz and stay on top of me until I get it done, don't let me do other things.

I wonder if play would work as a reward for getting things done, as a motivation. Not orgasms, because while those are nice, and I could probably benefit from more of them, I want bondage. I miss my cage. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been in it in the past 3 months. It really helps me re-focus.

But, like all things in this relationship, I never want to feel like I'm pushing the Top to do something he doesn't want to do. And I feel like if I complain enough, things will change for a few days or even weeks, and then we slip back into a place where he thinks I don't need that* anymore. Right now, though, I can't imagine myself not needing that.

*That=micro-management and increased levels of play, I guess.
topthemonkey: (Default)

One of my rules is that the slavegirls (both of them) are to be showered, changed, and have taken their meds and eaten a meal within an hour of waking. I'm more lax about this on the weekends, but during the week I want it to be law.

Today, I IM'd at 15:50 to find that the whole showering/changing thing got neglected. I'm not happy about this -- I expect this to be a pretty base, ingrained behavior.

Both girls have been ordered to shower and change, within the next half hour. Once that's done, I've told the monkey that she has to wear a diaper under her clothes. This isn't a "sexy" thing for her, it makes her cringe. I explained it simply as "if you're not going to take care of yourself the way I expect, then I'll treat you a little more like it." I've told her, simply, that if she needs to use the bathroom, that she will wet herself, then will change herself. She's not to sit on the toilet at all until tomorrow.

I feel it's an effective punishment. (She'll likely have to wear one to bed as well).

As for the OtherGirl, well...I know the diapers we have (we got them from a friend for whom wearing such things is NOT a punishment) will not fit her, so I will probably be dealing with her in a more corporal manner when I get home.


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October 2012

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