topthemonkey: (Default)
I like to have a good, powerful orgasm before making any major decision. Let me explain why.

Long before the monkey and I got together, I had a problem, one that plagued me.
I was a kinky person. Except when I orgasmed.
I enjoyed feelings of both being dominant and submissive. Except post orgasm.
And the ironic thing is, the more powerful the orgasm, the more powerful the post-orgasm-kink-aversion.

I've previously called this "the vanilla flip." What would be hot and intense one moment, as soon as I orgasm, would immediately feel wrong or even disgusting. Pain tolerance would drop, things that were appealing even a few seconds ago would halt, and I'd have a desire to be cleaned up, warm, and normal; wanting to do nothing more than eat and relax, not feeling sadistic but instead feeling gentle and nurturing. And, of course, wanting to go to sleep.

In my submissive senses, I would often tell dominant types that the best way to humiliate me would be to put me in a compromising position (restrained, uncomfortable, about to be marked), then to get me off while doing it, but force me to go through with whatever it was. For this reason, making me "clean up after myself" (that is, swallow what I had just secreted) was an exceptionally strong fantasy of mine, a measure by which I held dominants; after all, they had to have enough of a mental draw to me that even in my most vanilla mindset, I could still do what I was told.

The couple of times in the past I've gotten body modifications for dominant types (for those who care, my nipples have been pierced twice), both times I was ordered not to get myself off until it was done. If allowed to do so beforehand, the idea of enduring that pain for another person wouldn't have appealed to me.

Part of my interest in chastity play, at least when I represented the submissive side of relationships, was because it allowed a partner to keep me in a single frame of mind, and as long as I stayed in that frame of mind it appealed to me, like a magnetic switch that kept itself turned on.

Since becoming involved with the monkey, our life has more or less become a fairly regular dynamic, with me fairly regularly on top. (Uh, like, always? Like that defines our relationship?) I don't go through these changes (what changes are you referring to?) most of the time. I usually don't let her do anything that causes me to feel too submissive, and I've managed to transform my major erogenous zones to be triggering of the mindset of general kink instead of being spots that would lead me to feeling submissive if stimulated.

However, there are still odd elements to our relationship. I wake up feeling both kinky, and aroused. The monkey....does not. When the monkey wakes up, she's usually in a pretty "just want to eat and pee" headspace. Whereas I just want to roll her over and use her. Which, y'know, is your right.

But often, before making a major decision involving the relationship, before bringing in another person or making some change to status or to some major purpose, I like to compare my thoughts on a matter both at my most kinky, and at my least, both when I'm tired, and when I'm awake.
Sometimes if I'm angry, I like to push myself through the various phases and see if I'm still angry throughout all of them.

When I woke up this morning, I poked the monkey to take her meds, and she revealed to me that she had taken them in the early morning; she had stayed up all night. This has been a regular problem recently, and while I haven't been ORDERING her to come to bed, I've been making it clear, I think, that I'm not happy with this behavior (especially considering she wasn't ever happy going to bed without me). Yes, it's been clear, but I've been struggling with some things that have been directly affecting my sleep schedule. I haven't talked to the Top about it because I don't feel I have it adequately sorted out in my head to adequately communicate it. There might be an entry coming from me about this.
I thought for a few minutes, and visualized that I'd wake her up, and sit her down, and give her a piece of paper.


I, the monkey, understand that I have upset my Master by:
  • Staying up all night, repeatedly, to the point where I'm at risk of messing up our schedules.
  • Orgasming without permission while doing the above.
  • Not properly sorting my meds.
  • Not putting out clothes when they need to be.
I understand that as a result of this, my hair is to be cut in a way that pleases my master, and suits my position, and is to be cut down to this length every Sunday, until I gain the privilege back by:
  • Doing at least a half hour of exercise every week day (walking, playing DDR, crunches).
  • Additionally, playing DDR at least once a week in the above. -moan of despair-
  • Working on the studies my Master wants me to learn, at least a half hour a day.
  • Staying on top of Towels, Garbage, Dishes, and Laundry.
  • Getting my library fines sorted out. I can't do this until I get paid.
  • Getting my timesheets at work sorted out. I can't do this until I hear back from the HR person at work.
  • Filling in my daily reports, every day.
  • Sitting and taking my haircuts like a good girl for the next four weeks (today plus three more) I guess this one isn't happening.
Signed:
Date:


And once she signed it, she'd get cuffed, stripped, and buzzed down. I have a pretty good idea of how much I would have done. She'd still have her ponytail, but more along the back and possibly sides would be buzzed to nothing. The style I'm thinking of is called an undercut now that I do a little Google searching. (The pic of the second girl is...in a perfect world, kinda the exact hairstyle the monkey would have, all the time: enough to grab easily, but nothing for gags, blindfolds, or masks to get snagged in). This holds NO appeal for me.

As the thought of such a scene got me rather horny, I proceeded, still half awake, to get myself off and the decision that came as the endorphins soaked my brain was that this was indeed too harsh. (For some reason, a thought that sneaked in there was that a more appropriate response would be to give her a hot, soapy enema instead, but I'm not sure where that came from or if I decided somewhere in there that doing so was also too rough).

At the moment, however, I'm not thinking either treatment is. If I go home and find her asleep, well...time will tell.
He gave me the enema, no hair cut.
topthemonkey: (Default)
Last night was really nice. The Top tied me up with rope in a sort of hog-tie, scratched me with his nails, fucked me, and let me masturbate while he fucked me with a dildo. It was the first time my panties were used as a gag. It was nice to taste and smell myself throughout the play.

Yesterday and today he seemed a lot more willing to spank me. Not that he's usually unwilling per se . . . It's just that he's always stressed over one thing or another, super busy at work, tired when he gets in, and now that we're in a hotel noise is somewhat of a concern. I like good hard play at least twice a week, with (near) daily pain and orgasms. I am craving force and brutality so hard lately. I feel like I have to pester him constantly for days on end to get one night of what I need.* And while I'd like to reassure myself that he doesn't do anything with me unless he wants to, sometimes I'm afraid I'm pressuring him. I want to let it just happen naturally but when I do that it happens once every few weeks.

He was talking about getting my nipples and clit hood pierced to make me "feel more like a slave," since I said I hadn't really as of late. But that's not going to solve anything really. Regular enforcement of rules would make me feel like a slave.

I am feeling tempted to break rules and act out just to get punished and I hate it. I'm really not a brat and I don't want to be one. The other night he playfully slapped me on the ass when we were in bed and I was immediately on the verge of tears because that is just a fraction of what I have been craving so desperately lately.


*But is it a need or a want? This is what I have difficulty figuring out. I can live without it, sure, but having it regularly contributes positively to my general emotional/mental well-being and health. I know I'm a slave and it's his decision, so I'm trying to "just deal with it." With marginal success.

sad face

Feb. 2nd, 2009 10:52 pm
topthemonkey: (v)
I thought I'd feel better once I got some beating and bondage but now I just want mooooooore.


The Top was in bed resting, since he's super sick, and I crawled in (after asking permission, natch). I had been looking at/reading porn and started to try to rub my against his leg and snaked my hand under the blankets to rub his general pelvic region. I asked permission to masturbate, he said yes, ended up getting involved, etc. etc.

And then like two hours later he tells me that he wasn't happy that his rest was interrupted. Apparently he was thinking "oh god, I was ASLEEP*, why is boy touching my penis??"

This made me cry. I didn't expect such a strong response but . . . I know he's reading these posts. I know he knows I don't want him to push himself to do something for my sake though I guess it's his prerogative to do what he wants so do I really have a right to complain if him doing what he wants is bending to meet my desires even though it makes me feel guilty.



*He's had a lot of trouble staying asleep for more than an hour at a time, if at all.
topthemonkey: (Default)
Sometimes sex is so annoying, even sex with myself. Fingers cramp, limbs fall asleep, heads and knees bang into walls, bodies slip, skin chafes, I get a crick in my neck . . . -sigh-.

All these things aren't a problem if I'm hot enough, if I'm in that place where dammit I'm going to fuck and the endorphins are enough to get me through any discomfort, the sex is enough to distract me.

Maybe it's because of depression, but in the past few months it has taken me so much to get in that place. Often hours of reading or looking at porn, heavy fantasy, blocking out pretty  much any non-sex related thought.

Often, it's worth it.
Often, it's frustrating and exhausting.
topthemonkey: (Default)
I haven't been feeling sexual as of late, for nearly two weeks. Or rather, I have, just not with other people. I've been inclined to masturbate more than I usually am but more hesitant to engage in sexual acts with other people.

I think this is my mind/spirit trying to tell me that I need to reconnect with my body sexually by myself, on my own terms.
Well, perhaps "on my own terms" is a poor choice of words, since I only have sex according to the Top's wishes. Even if it's sex with myself. Though he is very generous most of the time.

Unfortunately, for what I think I need, I'd have to have alone time. Hard to get when you're a slave.
topthemonkey: (Default)
We purchased a Hitachi Magic Wand ("the Cadillac of vibrators") on our trip to the West Coast.
It brings me off fast, orgasms are a certainty when once they were a struggle.

I don't like it.
Or at least, I didn't like it before tonight.

Maybe it's the lack of build-up. I like a lot of foreplay. The orgasms just haven't been fulfilling at all.

Then tonight, I decided to try something different.

I've only ever had one multiple orgasm, a few years ago, two within an hour. Normally I'm a "one and done" kinda person. This time I decided to consciously try to have a multiple orgasm (this is all with the Top's permission, natch).

I put on ankle and wrist cuffs, stripped down naked, and got on the bed. I put the new anal beads* (also from the West Coast trip) in my ass and Caligula in my pussy. Laying (lying?) on my stomach, I propped the Hitachi up with pillows, positioned Steve (as yet to be renamed) on my laptop so I could suck on it while I read erotica.

Four orgasms in 45 minutes.
It was amazing. I felt so worn-out and well-fucked afterwards, sweaty and covered in my own juices and lube, my hair an utter mess.
Just . . . satisfied.


*These anal beads replaced my last ones, which were NOT silicone and had some rough ridges. These new ones are nice and smooth. A bit floppy but I was well-prepared.
I like anal beads because when I get close to orgasm (when anyone does, really) the anal muscles contract and expel. These anal beads are so long that they won't expel completely. At most a bead or two. With Harold, for example, when I get close he often comes out completely. Very inconvenient.

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