topthemonkey: (Default)

Edit:I wrote this late at night in an odd brain state, but I think I can put an executive summary on it.

  • I'm telling the monkey no more sleepovers with the girlfriend until further notice, you can do as many day trips as you like, but at night your place is with me. At least for now.
  • I'll give her occasional sleepovers, but it will be a reward, not something she should ask for. And it may be a while before I'm at that point.
  • She's got to get her collar back on.
  • She's been doing better, but I still need to see more effort on some things, mainly health-related.

Previous angst goes here:

Note: It's late, and I'm doing stream of consciousness here, so this may be less than coherent.

The monkey is off with her girlfriend.

I'm at work at 4amalmost 7am. Not because I have much to do, but because I am fucking dreading -- to the point of being near tears -- the thought of going home to an empty bed.

I have, in the past, expressed venom at the monkey's new Girlfriend, and I no longer think the girlfriend deserves this, I feel the venom is being childish and unfair.

But the rest of it? What I'm feeling now? Right now, I'd like nothing more than to drag the monkey to the playspace, and unload on her: I call this "stressballing", and I normally won't do it to a person. Unless the agression I'm feeling is actually toward them. And it is.

The monkey and I texted earlier, it went something like:

     Me: I still hate this.    
     Her: You gave permission.    
     Me: I hate that response, too.    
     Her: What should I say?    
     Me: "I'm sorry sir, I shouldn't have asked, I'll try to stop doing things that make you feel this way."    
     Her: I'm sorry I make you feel bad but you said you'd work thru this and it would just take time.

Yes, I did. And I've been wrong before. I think I'm either wrong about this entirely, or we don't understand the approach curve enough.

I still feel like I'm losing her, like she's becoming a person different from the one I love.

I let her go out of state to have sex with another person, after hearing how he's "all about the protection". He wasn't, came inside her 'I lost count' how many times. She smoked pot while she was back there too, and her defense the whole time was that I said "have fun" or "do what you want" in disgust. Yup, I'm the enabler.

She still isn't wearing her collar. Things that I've previously outlined as "expected behaviors for being allowed to go see your girlfriend" still don't seem to be happening to the degree I'd like them to. She managed to refill her meds, but there've been other things: a library book that I'd hoped would be back by now (I'm returning it on the way home), medical appointments, therapy appointments, etc. I'd be (pleasantly) surprised to find that she was keeping up on keeping her body shaved, but I doubt it. I ran out of laundry AGAIN this week.

I feed her. I clothe her. I house her. I'm about to start paying for her cellphone. I provide healthcare. I try to be patient when she screams in the night, and I deal with the PMDD and the near-screaming agitation that comes with "my tits are too big", or "I can't find my shirt". I really do try to be comforting and hold her and act like I understand these problems, when in reality I don't understand why they're a problem any more than she'd understand a segmentation fault. I'm in the process of paying ungodly medical bills for her, and me. Sleepovers...is asking too much right now. I need her there at night.

I'm supposed to be in charge in this relationship: why can't I simultaneously have her by my side every night AND not feel guilt for demanding that?

Perhaps, if I'd been introduced to the girlfriend and we'd done SOME thing together (I have no idea what interest the three of us have in common), I might feel okay with sleepovers, say...three to six months into the relationship, as opposed to "on the third date".

Maybe if "no sleepovers" were something that was clear from the outset, that they're something that I determine when I'm okay with, this could be worked out, but to be fair I did NOT see this coming. And I am still REALLY angry that after I express the way they make me feel, she still asks at all.

I'm a pretty gregarious person, and believe in many cases that by asking, the worst a person can say is "no". In this case, I feel the net result of "yes" is worst than the net result of "no", which in turn would be worse than the net result of just not asking.

I think I'd be so much happier if I had said "day trips are all you get for right now". I mean, I work predictably late, and hell, I even get down to that area a couple times a week so things could be arranged easily. (As a side effect, the Day Trip theory would mean she'd have to get up in the morning to make the most of it, and I could drop her off at the train station in the morning).

And my mind goes more and more to the fact that, after I've gotten as comfortable as I have with having her being by my side every night as a CONSTANT, if I can't have that, I might as well prepare myself for the worst, and just start prepping to be without her. I fear that the answer isn't that I'll get comfortable with it, but that I'll just decide it's my way or the highway. I tend to be very polar on many things, and this is (to put it in CS terms) the leftmost bit on a signed int: it's NOT the bit she wants to flip.

With the same hurtful certainty that I was able to tell another of my subordinates "No, I don't love you", I can tell the monkey I do love her: this is not in question, but the goal of giving her anything I can think of that makes her feel more fulfilled is both hurting me, and giving her a get-out-of-guilt-free card, and for what I'm investing, I feel I deserve better than that.

I should not have to feel what I'm feeling right now. And I should NOT just have to suck it up and deal.

topthemonkey: (submissive)
We haven't made any public posts lately, but there have been several private ones. In a way, I think this violates what we set out to do, the openness we strive for; on the other hand, some things we're not ready to be open about yet.

I've started dating a woman who also lives in Silicon Valley. I am quite taken with her. My burgeoning relationship with her has caused a great deal of conflict with the Top. But it's good, in a way, I think, because it forces to the surface assumptions we had both made regarding our relationship. Things we need to talk about, adjustments we might need to make. I feel often like I don't know who I am anymore, and I don't like that. I struggle with becoming more independent, something he encourages, partly because there are specific ways he wants me to do this, other ways he wants me to remain very dependent.

And what "polyamory" means to both of us. I understand now why he has always pushed to have me be a part of scenes he has with other partners, why he has never taken me up on the just-them time I so often offered. To the Top, us being poly means bringing other people into our relationship. This is usually awkward for me, as I have little to no sexual and/or romantic interest in any of his other partners. I don't mind hanging out in a group, but I do mind sitting awkwardly on the couch reading a book while he gets his dick sucked, for example. It certainly doesn't help that we basically live in a studio apartment.

To me, poly means having more than one relationship, whether those other relationships involve one or both of us. My new relationship doesn't involve him. I'd love it if they could be friends, but I am deeply uncomfortable with the idea of making her part of my relationship with the Top. He would need her to be submissive to him, something she has no interest in doing. She has no interest in male partners other than her primary. I don't think they would "click" the way we have, and to try to force us all together would be incredibly problematic.

He has so much anger inside, regarding this, and I have so much fondness for her. It hurts. I am fiercely determined to walk away from neither of them. Whether either of them walks away from me is their choice, but I don't believe they will. The other night I seriously thought about what would happen to me if the Top and I weren't together anymore. I didn't like those thoughts or the feelings they inspired.

The Top and I are going to have a Talk(tm) and try to work out some of the bigger issues this has all brought to the forefront.

Events...

Dec. 29th, 2008 11:01 pm
topthemonkey: (Default)

The monkey and I have a new slavegirl in our care. As you may have read in a previous entry, she's been fitted with a collar: it's a simple choke-chain collar from a pet store, with a padlock holding it on (it's not functioning as a choke chain -- but I wanted to stick with a pet-store chain as opposed to something from a hardware store because I know those are designed to get wet and be in contact with skin).

Much like the monkey was, we started with some pain -- she was given fifteen strokes with my NastyThing(tm). Her hair's been shorn. Her jewelry's been taken away, and while she and the monkey had played most jubilantly during last week, now that she's got her collar on, her permission to get off may be a bit more limited.

So, here's the points where I see room for improvement:

  • Communications: She needs to learn to do what the monkey does: tell me "I'm not okay" or "I'm in trouble" as soon as she realizes it. We already discovered one (digestive) problem that we took steps to correct (it was communicated to the monkey, who in turn made it clear to me). We've had other occurences where she spoke to my slavegirl before speaking to me about a problem.

  • Self confidence and self-esteem. We've already had a couple of fits where we've found her crying, feeling worthless or feeling like a failure.
    This is something the monkey took a LONG time learning.

  • Learning the protocol. This is going to sound major for those of you who don't understand it, but she's regularly cuddling up to me, rubbing her hands across my back, or taking my hand in her own. I've told her outright: "If you want affection, you can ask for it, and I'll give it to you. I care about you and have no problems showing it if you need it." She's also got the annoying habit of gawking at whatever it is I'm doing on-screen when she has her own tasks to be doing.

There's no shame in any of the above, mind -- it's behaviors she needs to learn, and it reminds me how far the monkey has come in this time.

update

Dec. 22nd, 2008 12:53 pm
topthemonkey: (krysztof nemeth)
Potential Slavegirl was shaved down by the Top and given a . . . collar of consideration? Introductory collar? Not exactly sure what to call it.
topthemonkey: (martin zurmuhle)
Potential Slavegirl got in last night. I'm unsure if we moved too fast, sexually speaking, but the Top had been working up to this for at least 6 months, so perhaps it was the natural outcome. I like her a lot. I mean, I liked her before, but getting to know somebody in person is different than online. Everything has gone really well so far (granted, it's been less than 24 hours, but still) and all my concerns have pretty much died down.

One thing is frustrating me. The Top will refer to her as a/his slave and/or submissive and then the next minute he'll say how he doesn't want to get ahead of himself, she's not his yet, she's not being trained yet, they're just friends, etc. -rolls eyes- I understand the desire to take it slowly, especially given the dynamic at play. But they're not just friends. This is what bothered me so much in the beginning, that he refused to admit that they were in a relationship. Because they are. And I feel like he's jerking her around a bit, calling her a slave and then saying that she's not.

It's obvious they're more than friends. It's obvious that they have a D/s dynamic and they both want to take that to the Master/slave level. It's obvious the Top is trying to both slow things down and move full speed ahead, and that's where the issue lies, because you can't do both, not at the same time. Maybe she hasn't "officially" been in training, but since when has anything "official" mattered to us?

I think perhaps I'm making it out to be a bigger deal than it is. We're all happy she's here. I was so afraid there would be, I don't know, chafing, I guess. Trying to fit three puzzle pieces together when they don't quite fit. But instead it was like everything just fell into place, it was totally natural.

I anticipated the Top and Potential Slavegirl having NRE but what I didn't see coming at all was that I'd feel it with her too. Well, maybe not quite NRE yet but a certain nervousness I get around girls I'm attracted to when we first get together and there's potential for a relationship.
topthemonkey: (Default)

Friday, before I came home, the monkey expressed an interest (over IM) in playing that night. In fact she begged. Which I love.

We did...rather a lot of impact play friday night. Crop, Flogger, Paddle, bare-hand. I mainly tried to focus on the ass, although a lot got done over the back and lower thighs. She built up rather nicely, and while she squirmed a bit, and yelped a bit, she was trying rather hard to work through it and did well.

Saturday was spent just lounging around the house, watching some classic Kubrick movies, A Clockwork Orange and Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, cuddling and spending time...we got to bed surprisingly early.

She's been looking at toys a lot online. It's my version of window shopping. I do this a lot in general. This upsets me, because I want to buy them -- but money is a bit tight now. She wants a new set of cuffs, preferably vegan, like these or these, but I don't like a good portion of what's on the market -- perhaps this requires a separate post, with some reference pictures. Personally, if I were to get her anything, I'd like to get her a nice set of gorean shackles, and just have them worn full-time. How about a link to some examples for all the readers who aren't familiar with Gor? Sleepable, showerable...and easily attachable to a set of chains I'd just keep permanently attached to the bed-sides.

Sunday...I woke the monkey up at about 8am, feeling a bit randy, and told her I was going to be piercing her nipples. I clipped her paws behind her back, snapped another clasp on her ankles, and put a blindfold on her. She begged me not to -- quite a lot, and yelped when the needle finally poked into her. So I stopped.

((An aside: I should mention that I'm about to talk about someone new: Potential Slavegirl. I talked about her in my last post. She knows who she is. If any other of my readers (who I've been flirty with in the past) think I'm talking about you, I'm not.))

I sat, upset for a moment and growing worse. Upset at the fact that she has another friend who has...less personal barriers against agression. Less filters, who doesn't have a problem hurting her. I wrote about him here. I was becoming upset at the fact that I have another potential submissive (I'm sure you'll hear more about her as time goes on) who I felt would accept this piercing willingly, heck, would do anything to have this piercing done. I grew upset at the fact that as many times as the monkey has told me that she is mine to do with as I please, that this is such an issue. Sir, you encourage me to vocalize any hesitations I have. And I vocalized all this.

And then I told her "this is a problem, pull your shirt up, and look away. Okay, take a breath, little pinch now...and...done." The needle slid in, effortlessly, behind her nipple. I let it sit for a moment, checking her for any signs of shock -- but there were none. She was fine. No crying, no bleeding...no anything. Just my monkey, with a long hypodermic needle through her nipple. We spoke about it for a few moments, and then the other one was pierced as well, just as easily.

I joked, pondered a bit about also piercing her clit hood, but, well, one day at a time. Anyway, once that was done, there was some really decent sec, then I held her, rubbed her nipples up against the needles from the inside -- fucked her some more after she sucked on my nipples. She tells me the endorphin rush was amazing. I love getting pierced professionally. I just have to remember to have the same attitude with play piercing and HOLD STILL. The needles came out just as easily, and we showered and did the usual sorts of things.

I mentioned sometime during that interlude that I really want to get my hands on the real piercing needles (which do hurt more) and pierce her nipples with jewelery for a day or so -- make her wear something tight so the rings show. Which kind of feels like a waste to me. Why not just pierce them permenantly? Because you like binding? Maybe pierce her tongue temporarily if she misuses it ie: is sassy (although doing the tongue requires specialty hardware). If I'm going to be doing a lot of this, I'll probably make the investment in an autoclave for the jewelery (we'll always, ALWAYS use single-use needles). If not, a pressure cooker is a good substitute. A worthwhile investment anyway -- sadly I won't trust a thrift-store pressure cooker. I don't think we have one of those.

It turned out to be a regular day -- more lazy weekend lounging -- a lot of good talking about a lot of things...and a lot of feeling so proud of her for getting past this.

Her second orgasm of the night, before dinner, was had while I gripped her by the hair and the collar, and she humped against my leg, like "a good little puppy", barking and growling the whole time, telling her of all the things I'll have her do with Potential Slavegirl, how they'll interact together...how I'll have them play with each other for my amusement...how I'll have girl A plow girl B, while girl B goes down on me...how I'll fit them with nice, matching shock collars...how I will train her to be the absolute comeslut (cumslut?), not allowed to get off until everyone else has. It was nice, dirty talk. But...dirty talk that could be realized, if things work out.

Dinner, another movie. Mundane stuff. She had some ice cream that she had to lick off a plate on the floor (no hands). She's had to do that twice this weekend...it puts out her butt so nicely for croppage. And I really love eating off the floor or from the Top's hand.

Oh yes, did I mention? Yes, you didOkay, so I like mentioning itWe acquired a crop from one of my favorite little places. It's been...my favorite toy. Useful for all sorts of things...waking the monkey up...motivating the monkey around the house...whacking things to startle the monkey...gently slapping the monkey's cheeks (pick a set) when she's being just a little difficult...turning off the light switch without getting out of bed...tenderizing the monkey's ass before starting in with bare-hand.

Once we got to bed, around ten (with my new work schedule, that's later than I'd like), she got me off nicely.

When I woke her up at 4(!!) in the morning, she got up quickly and laid out my clothes, and we cuddled for a bit. I loved holding her. She tells me that that particular hour was too early to take her meds (which I guess is okay -- but if she doesn't IM me by about 10 and tell me she's done so I'll be upset). I did so at 11:30. Eep.

I stopped off for coffee and a donut on the way in. I don't feel it's out of the question to have part of her routine be to get that stuff, but I might just invest in a Keurig system (just for the commute -- I don't generally like Keurig because it's so wasteful, but it's so effortless that the tradeoff and cost might be worthwhile). How about a link for the readers who don't know what a Keurig is? I had to look it up myself.

topthemonkey: (martin zurmuhle)
The Top has been, well, topping a young female submissive for months now, online. Because of distance, along with a few other issues, they have been unable to meet. He very much wants to bring her here for a visit and perhaps (probably?) to stay, as he believes they will "click" just as well in real life. She would not serve me, as I would be very uncomfortable with that, but would be more of a sister in service, I suppose (rockin' the alliteration).

I admit I was somewhat put out when I first found out about their relationship, primarily because the Top had not been entirely honest with me. He won't collar her or talk about contracts or any of that (to the best of my knowledge) until they are in person. But that certainly doesn't mean that there isn't something substantial there, because I know there is. I felt immeasurably more comfortable with their relationship once he admitted that to me.

I'm also a little jealous that they connect in ways he and I never will; in some respects our brains just work differently and we aren't passionate about all of the same things. I can learn about his interests but they don't excite me to the degree that my own passions do. But I also recognize that this jealousy is irrational, as the Top knew who I was when he collared me and having another (romantic/sexual) partner, one who shares more of his intellectual pursuits, will not cause him to abandon me. I mean, that's one of the great things about polyamory, isn't it? I think so, anyway.

The Top has made it abundantly clear that he wishes myself and this new girl to be sexual together. This is nothing new, the Top has always enjoyed watching me be with a woman. I was sexual with TMOTH's slave, and I do sorely miss being with women. If he tells me to be with her, then I will. If he tells her to be with me, I've no doubt she will. I'm fairly skillful and I'm sure I can give her a great deal of pleasure. So far as compatability-the new girl and I have talked online and read each other's personal journals; we seem to get along well and share some key interests. I have very little idea what she looks like, but that matters to me far less than intellectual and emotional connections, anyway.

Part of me is nervous that we won't get along and another part of me is nervous that we'll get along too well. If the former occurs, there's a good chance I'll be resentful of her presence. If the latter occurs, there's a good chance I'll be resentful of the Top's control over her. Obviously, I'm looking at this from a lose/lose perspective, one in which there is no possible positive outcome (as is my perverse, obstinately pesimisstic nature) and it's all hypothetical anyway.

But then there's a part of me that thinks, what if it all works out for the best? And that scares me most of all.

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