topthemonkey: (Default)

So, the monkey and I happened by Leather Etc. in San Francisco yesterday afternoon.

While I've never been overly impressed with their quality, they do have a lot in the way of selection, and that's been my primary interest.
Every time I pass by there, I catch some of their display windows and it made me wonder.

After all, the monkey now sports some Breast Reduction scars, like at least a few of my friends do, both my trans friends as well as those who, like the monkey, had the procedure done to alleviate severe back pain.

Some Background

In doing breast reduction work, there are basically three types of incisions they can do, shown well at the bottom of This Page. In short, the monkey had the most intrusive type of incision: the "anchor", and coming to terms with these new scars has carried some stresses.

Anyway my thought is that a chest harness serves to draw the eye away from the scars, and by contrast, makes people look at the gear. I was even hoping for something that went under the breast and hid some of the scarring.

While we found a few things that were interesting looking, what we eventually decided on was an "X" harness, with an O-ring in the center and buckles in back, attached to another O-ring. It's made of exceptionally soft, almost glove-quality leather, and the monkey wears it really well.

If you've been to the Folsom street fair, or just tried to visualize the word "beefcake" you know the kind of thing I'm talking about. This type of harness is nearly synonymous with the gay leather culture.

Putting it to Use

While my initial interest was in having the monkey wear the harness like a collar, as an "around the house" sort of mark of being in a submissive mode, or perhaps just as a "wearable handle" to use to toss her around a bit, once she got home and tried it on, she bent over the bed, and I experimentally tried her from behind, in a sort of "so if I were to do this, would you be comfortable with that." Was he ever.

At that point I discovered what I should have known all along: It's like wearing a set of handlebars for sex from behind: Snug, stable, comfortable. And with her over the side of the bed, we went at it. It was awesome. And unlike most of the other gear we own, this is designed not to restrict movement, but to enhance it.

So again, I say, dear SF Leatherman's Community: Why didn't you tell us these things were this awesome?!

topthemonkey: (Default)
Sex can be so frustrating.

Sometimes, it's really difficult for me to reach orgasm. I've grown to accept this over the years. I can be stimulated, not reach orgasm, and still enjoy myself. I can even try to reach orgasm and not, and still enjoy myself. I often feel guilty when that happens, though. My partners are overwhelmingly male and they overwhelmingly take my not orgasming as a sign that they've done something wrong, they've failed in some way, everything leading up to that was wasted, etc. And sometimes they project all that insecurity onto me, and blame me for it.

Often pain and pleasure are conflated for me. One slight adjustment of the nipple clamps (or any slight physical adjustment) and the pain can become more than I want at that time. I'm usually pretty okay with that. If you want me to orgasm, however, that's going to take me a few steps back. My pain tolerance fluctuates, even moment to moment, as does my desire for pain. It can be frustrating for any and all involved parties, but really only if all the emphasis is on my achieving orgasm.

People put a lot of emphasis on the finish line. It's really not about that for me. It's stressful when my partner makes it all about the finish. Is someone tired, thirsty, hungry, getting a cramp? We can stop. It's not a marathon. You're allowed to take breaks. You're allowed to stop altogether.

You know what makes for a good "performance"? Being giving. Allowing yourself to receive. Not taking it too seriously. I'm not saying orgasms aren't good. I like having them. I like having a lot of them. I'm not saying they should be completely incidental. But they're also not the be-all end-all of sex.
topthemonkey: (Default)
Last night was really nice. The Top tied me up with rope in a sort of hog-tie, scratched me with his nails, fucked me, and let me masturbate while he fucked me with a dildo. It was the first time my panties were used as a gag. It was nice to taste and smell myself throughout the play.

Yesterday and today he seemed a lot more willing to spank me. Not that he's usually unwilling per se . . . It's just that he's always stressed over one thing or another, super busy at work, tired when he gets in, and now that we're in a hotel noise is somewhat of a concern. I like good hard play at least twice a week, with (near) daily pain and orgasms. I am craving force and brutality so hard lately. I feel like I have to pester him constantly for days on end to get one night of what I need.* And while I'd like to reassure myself that he doesn't do anything with me unless he wants to, sometimes I'm afraid I'm pressuring him. I want to let it just happen naturally but when I do that it happens once every few weeks.

He was talking about getting my nipples and clit hood pierced to make me "feel more like a slave," since I said I hadn't really as of late. But that's not going to solve anything really. Regular enforcement of rules would make me feel like a slave.

I am feeling tempted to break rules and act out just to get punished and I hate it. I'm really not a brat and I don't want to be one. The other night he playfully slapped me on the ass when we were in bed and I was immediately on the verge of tears because that is just a fraction of what I have been craving so desperately lately.

*But is it a need or a want? This is what I have difficulty figuring out. I can live without it, sure, but having it regularly contributes positively to my general emotional/mental well-being and health. I know I'm a slave and it's his decision, so I'm trying to "just deal with it." With marginal success.
topthemonkey: (Default)
Sometimes sex is so annoying, even sex with myself. Fingers cramp, limbs fall asleep, heads and knees bang into walls, bodies slip, skin chafes, I get a crick in my neck . . . -sigh-.

All these things aren't a problem if I'm hot enough, if I'm in that place where dammit I'm going to fuck and the endorphins are enough to get me through any discomfort, the sex is enough to distract me.

Maybe it's because of depression, but in the past few months it has taken me so much to get in that place. Often hours of reading or looking at porn, heavy fantasy, blocking out pretty  much any non-sex related thought.

Often, it's worth it.
Often, it's frustrating and exhausting.
topthemonkey: (fight club 2)
The monkey was rather bad a few days ago.

She masturbated herself to orgasm, without permission. She confessed to me immediately after she had done it, but by that point it was too late. She had done this in an attempt to get herself to sleep, for an appointment the next day. The appointment was a half-hour's drive away and at 9:15am. This was well after 3am. I tend to turn into an insomniac at home and I couldn't take my sleepy drugs because I would've slept through the appointment.

Later (last night), when I had her in front of me, I locked a leather collar on her, attached a leash and I asked her if it had occurred to her to actually *ask*. She told me that it had, but that she had not asked because she didn't want to bother me.

Which would bother me more? Getting a text message asking permission? Or getting a message telling me of standing orders being disobeyed. I'm guessing these are rhetorical questions.

I gave her a choice: be dragged to the basement, and be restrained and receive the crop, or have her body shaved bare. I appreciated this. I hate the basement.

(While I *prefer* this look on a slave (I think it looks/feels gross and it makes me feel vulnerable in this really upsetting way), I won't make it mandatory if they're really against it. My boy likes to be able to grow it out, so as long as he's well-behaved I'll let it happen.)

I put a bulb gag on her, stripped off her remaining clothes, placed a dropcloth (read: cheap plastic shower curtain-works very well) on the bed, and went and got the razor and the shave gel that smells sickly sweet and fruity.

Before I started, I gave her the final choice, pointing at her naked body. "Are you sure this is your choice?" She nodded.

I lathered her up, and shaved her mound bare, warning her that as soon as possible she would have to finish the job (as I wouldn't go very close to going inside). This was kind of disappointing. The act of being shaved (not how it looks or feels after) has the potential to turn me on a great deal, but that's really the shaving of the lips, which he pretty much stayed away from.

After I was done, I pulled her to sitting up using the leash, and shaved her armpits as well.
She laid back down and I looked her over, satisfied with her look. I took her gag off, and told her that she was forgiven for her transgression.
Then, with a beautiful, shaved slave laying before me, I put on a condom and began to penetrate her.

As we went on, she asked if she could masturbate. "If I get off before you do, you not only lose your chance, but you'll be punished, boy."

I took advantage of the situation, and ordered her to come. It's kind of arousing but at the same time, especially combined with the above statement, it made me feel pressured which makes me very anxious which makes it a lot more difficult to reach orgasm. I have to stay focused and make a concerted effort. Told her that she *had* to get off, and she masturbated furiously for the next 30 minutes, with me hard inside her the whole time. And I started crying at least twice from frustration, which isn't terribly unusual for me when attempting to reach orgasm with another person.

The whole time I was yanking on her leash (which caused the collar to dig into me and leave itchy red marks), pinching and twisting her nipples (that helped a lot), thrusting inside of her, and grabbing at her ankles.

When she came, I was able to feel her orgasm around me, and wasn't able to hold back any further, so I finished inside of her, rapidly. Which, if he had pounded me that hard to begin with, I might have finished a lot sooner. But maybe not and then the chance would be gone so I get why he held back.

We both fell, exhausted, for a few minutes, before showering quickly (he said I could shave my lips later), then going downstairs to eat and drink, and eventually, falling asleep.
I was incredibly drained, dehydrated, hungry, faint, dizzy, nauseous, and just emotionally overwhelmed. Penetrative sex tends to have that effect on me, the last bit anyway. I just wanted to crawl into a cold shower by myself and sob. I had a difficult time standing and walking as well as getting down the little food I did eat and keeping it down. I felt miserable. I believe I said that I never wanted to have sex again. An hour later, after I had showered, eaten, drank water and juice and taken some Rolaids, I felt a LOT better.

It was a very nice night. I just wish I had something before we started about being dehydrated and hungry.

Now, as I write this...I am feeling aroused once again.

***summons the boy***


topthemonkey: (Default)

October 2012

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