topthemonkey: (Default)
I like to have a good, powerful orgasm before making any major decision. Let me explain why.

Long before the monkey and I got together, I had a problem, one that plagued me.
I was a kinky person. Except when I orgasmed.
I enjoyed feelings of both being dominant and submissive. Except post orgasm.
And the ironic thing is, the more powerful the orgasm, the more powerful the post-orgasm-kink-aversion.

I've previously called this "the vanilla flip." What would be hot and intense one moment, as soon as I orgasm, would immediately feel wrong or even disgusting. Pain tolerance would drop, things that were appealing even a few seconds ago would halt, and I'd have a desire to be cleaned up, warm, and normal; wanting to do nothing more than eat and relax, not feeling sadistic but instead feeling gentle and nurturing. And, of course, wanting to go to sleep.

In my submissive senses, I would often tell dominant types that the best way to humiliate me would be to put me in a compromising position (restrained, uncomfortable, about to be marked), then to get me off while doing it, but force me to go through with whatever it was. For this reason, making me "clean up after myself" (that is, swallow what I had just secreted) was an exceptionally strong fantasy of mine, a measure by which I held dominants; after all, they had to have enough of a mental draw to me that even in my most vanilla mindset, I could still do what I was told.

The couple of times in the past I've gotten body modifications for dominant types (for those who care, my nipples have been pierced twice), both times I was ordered not to get myself off until it was done. If allowed to do so beforehand, the idea of enduring that pain for another person wouldn't have appealed to me.

Part of my interest in chastity play, at least when I represented the submissive side of relationships, was because it allowed a partner to keep me in a single frame of mind, and as long as I stayed in that frame of mind it appealed to me, like a magnetic switch that kept itself turned on.

Since becoming involved with the monkey, our life has more or less become a fairly regular dynamic, with me fairly regularly on top. (Uh, like, always? Like that defines our relationship?) I don't go through these changes (what changes are you referring to?) most of the time. I usually don't let her do anything that causes me to feel too submissive, and I've managed to transform my major erogenous zones to be triggering of the mindset of general kink instead of being spots that would lead me to feeling submissive if stimulated.

However, there are still odd elements to our relationship. I wake up feeling both kinky, and aroused. The monkey....does not. When the monkey wakes up, she's usually in a pretty "just want to eat and pee" headspace. Whereas I just want to roll her over and use her. Which, y'know, is your right.

But often, before making a major decision involving the relationship, before bringing in another person or making some change to status or to some major purpose, I like to compare my thoughts on a matter both at my most kinky, and at my least, both when I'm tired, and when I'm awake.
Sometimes if I'm angry, I like to push myself through the various phases and see if I'm still angry throughout all of them.

When I woke up this morning, I poked the monkey to take her meds, and she revealed to me that she had taken them in the early morning; she had stayed up all night. This has been a regular problem recently, and while I haven't been ORDERING her to come to bed, I've been making it clear, I think, that I'm not happy with this behavior (especially considering she wasn't ever happy going to bed without me). Yes, it's been clear, but I've been struggling with some things that have been directly affecting my sleep schedule. I haven't talked to the Top about it because I don't feel I have it adequately sorted out in my head to adequately communicate it. There might be an entry coming from me about this.
I thought for a few minutes, and visualized that I'd wake her up, and sit her down, and give her a piece of paper.

I, the monkey, understand that I have upset my Master by:
  • Staying up all night, repeatedly, to the point where I'm at risk of messing up our schedules.
  • Orgasming without permission while doing the above.
  • Not properly sorting my meds.
  • Not putting out clothes when they need to be.
I understand that as a result of this, my hair is to be cut in a way that pleases my master, and suits my position, and is to be cut down to this length every Sunday, until I gain the privilege back by:
  • Doing at least a half hour of exercise every week day (walking, playing DDR, crunches).
  • Additionally, playing DDR at least once a week in the above. -moan of despair-
  • Working on the studies my Master wants me to learn, at least a half hour a day.
  • Staying on top of Towels, Garbage, Dishes, and Laundry.
  • Getting my library fines sorted out. I can't do this until I get paid.
  • Getting my timesheets at work sorted out. I can't do this until I hear back from the HR person at work.
  • Filling in my daily reports, every day.
  • Sitting and taking my haircuts like a good girl for the next four weeks (today plus three more) I guess this one isn't happening.

And once she signed it, she'd get cuffed, stripped, and buzzed down. I have a pretty good idea of how much I would have done. She'd still have her ponytail, but more along the back and possibly sides would be buzzed to nothing. The style I'm thinking of is called an undercut now that I do a little Google searching. (The pic of the second girl a perfect world, kinda the exact hairstyle the monkey would have, all the time: enough to grab easily, but nothing for gags, blindfolds, or masks to get snagged in). This holds NO appeal for me.

As the thought of such a scene got me rather horny, I proceeded, still half awake, to get myself off and the decision that came as the endorphins soaked my brain was that this was indeed too harsh. (For some reason, a thought that sneaked in there was that a more appropriate response would be to give her a hot, soapy enema instead, but I'm not sure where that came from or if I decided somewhere in there that doing so was also too rough).

At the moment, however, I'm not thinking either treatment is. If I go home and find her asleep, well...time will tell.
He gave me the enema, no hair cut.
topthemonkey: (Default)

Note: I was considering posting this to my personal journal instead, but there's enough of the monkey's medical information in this entry that I wouldn't post it publicly. This nice anonymous but public monkey-journal then is the perfect answer. I would especially love comments from you medical people (you know who you are) on this entry.

The Monkey and I had a discussion this morning that stemmed many things, about sleep, and there have been other contexts in which this has come up.

The Monkey is having trouble sleeping. She is suffering from insomnia. She took issue with that fact that I said she was an insomniac. No, you said I was NOT an insomniac.

I agree that sometimes labels are bad. For example, an occasional drinker may or may not be an Alcoholic. Someone who occasionally mis-spells things may not be a dyslexic. Someone who bleeds a little longer than usual may not be a hemophiliac.

But, if you suffer from X, either as a disorder, OR as a symptom, then you are an X-ic.

Example: during my liver abscess, I had no appetite whatsoever. Between pressing stomach pains, illness, severe stomach shrinkage, and being NPO about half the time I was in the hospital (and the taste of hospital food didn't help), I barely ate. I had anorexia. I was anorexic. It's not a disorder, it's a symptom (reference here). And while some so-named things can only be confirmed by diagnosis (for example, only a doctor can really tell you if you have Schizophrenia and thus are [a] Schizophrenic), this wasn't one of those cases.

The Monkey argues that the label "Anorexic" doesn't mean that...but at the same time she doesn't seem to fully assert that the Label is only reserved for people who suffer from Anorexia Nervosa, or people who subscribe to the pro-ana or thinspiration lifestyle. Remember how you were saying that you go off on tangents in your writing that make it hard to follow the point?

And yes, there are modifying phrases to this. "I'm an occasional insomniac. I'm a chronic insomniac. I'm a diagnosed/undiagnosed insomniac."

Whether the label continues to stick when people have recovered from the disorder in question is what makes the "label" form of this tricky. After all, if you're a recovering alcoholic, who is five-years sober, and don't plan on having the problem for the rest of your life? Is this not like saying you're a recovering hemophiliac as long as you're not bleeding? I thought hemophilia was not curable unless Rasputin was your physician? If you're a recovering alcoholic, aren't you still just seen (at least by some) as still an alcoholic, and therefore as a lesser (less reliable, less stable, less capable) person? I don't think acknowledging that recovery from addiction is often a life-long proccess is the same as saying someone is "lesser."

But shying away from labels, let's just say the monkey suffers from insomnia.



On sleep, however, I started looking at her problem logically. She took great offense that I looked at it as a "hardware problem" (and I said as much). Oddly, this for me was intended to be comforting: That I didn't see this disorder as "fucked in the head", but instead as something physical-chemical, possibly as simple as dietary changes, exercise or activity levels, or medication adjustments.That's not how I took it. You said 'you're hardware is fucked" or something like that and I interpreted that as "I am diagnosing your problem in a way that makes sense to me and will allow me to fix it even though monkeys are people and people cannot just be 'fixed' like computers."

She seemed upset that I wanted to take a familiar perspective to me to diagnosing it. That I wanted to take the point of view of something I am very good at. For me, this was looking at something scientific. It's a problem to solve. But she was upset to the point of shaking at this. It was more than that. You said other things too. Like that I "just" had a "scheduling problem." I just . . . see the annotation I made last paragraph. Also, I feel like you constantly qualify my problems, as you deduce them, with the word "just." She said she didn't like that I thought I knew what was wrong with her. My counter was that I do not; if I did, I would have taken steps to fix it. At this point I'm requesting feedback from her, trying to offer possible insight.

Possible outlooks for this, over the course of this morning, included (and some of this is expanded beyond this scope of this morning's conversation):

1) Her schedule is off, and her circadian rhythm might be failing (OF COURSE my circadian rhthym is fucked up!), compounded by the fact that she's in an unfamiliar place (four months, it's familiar enough now) and spends most of her time indoors. The air, the sky, the stars, climate and elevation are all different here. None of the traditional "queues" are there. Even the ones we don't understand, like rotational and lunar position are somewhat off, considering we're on the other side of the country. The side effect of this is that the body does not strictly adhere to a 24-hour cycle. Which means she may do 12 hours of sleep, and 14 hours awake...which causes what a computer person would call "clock skew". And I know a thing or two about this. For months at a time, I found myself on a 37 hour day. Up 24, down 13 -- occasionally awake for 37. My work schedule allowed it. I should mention I was single at the time, and younger. I know that one of the main ways people relate to others is through their own experience. But I feel this sometimes causes you to misinterpret and belittle what I am going through, because you judge it against a measurement based on your own past issues. You haven't really mentioned by depression and anxiety as factors. They're major causes. But those are shifty, slippery disorders so I guess it's easier to just ignore them in your calculations.

XKCD even had an answer for it, with the small print "this schedule will eventually drive one stark raving mad".

2) Like I used to be, she may not be able to sleep unless she's exhausted. She's resorted to taking meds that, while they can occasionally be used to help you sleep, are not really designed for the purpose. (The intended purpose is to stop a panic attack. The side effect is being in a coma for hours). It's not a coma! This is compounded by the fact that these meds are old to the point of being discolored (but ostensibly, better than nothing).

3) She's looked into sleep centers, and sleep studies, and I fully believe that while such things may help add data to the problem, they cannot possibly be scientific. They do not duplicate your bed, your sleeping conditions, the comfort that may come when having a big warm Gushi next to you who snores and hogs the blankets. They do not duplicate the things you do right before bed, and usually, when doing them, you do not have the same pressure to be awake in the mornings.

4) One of my theories is related to her night terrors: She stays awake until exhausted, and then goes to sleep. She then, being exhausted, gets deep, heavy, dreamless sleep, until her body recovers enough for her brain to be active (I would say this is at about the 5-8 hour mark). Then, the night (effectively morning) terrors kick in. I could prove this easily enough with a voice-activated recorder, with a timestamp capability. Since her medication that prevents her bad dreams may also be calibrated to last the amount of time of a "usual" night's sleep, this makes this likely. The medication is a BP med, which would seem to make sleep more deep and REM-less...except that people NEED REM, and hers may come after her meds run out.
Sadly, I'm not sure of the decay curve of that med, and I don't think there's a more time-release version. Perhaps if she drank a large amount of water just before bed, she could take another dose when she inevitably got up to urinate, but that's hardly a way to live. My psychiatrist and I already discussed this and dismissed it as an option.

5) She has been missing her nighttime meds for several days now. Three. Solely due to my own negligence. I keep forgetting or putting off calling in a refill. Considering they had to build her up to the dose she is on slowly, over several months, this CANNOT be a good thing.

Sadly, this is causing a bigger issue for me: I don't believe I will consider her ready to go to school away-from-the-house (with scheduled classes) or to take a job with regular hours until this is fixed, because I believe doing so would be setting her up to fail; to be trying to learn or work while trying to stay awake after only a few hours' sleep.


Feb. 17th, 2009 12:33 pm
topthemonkey: (Default)

The monkey and I went to bed together at roughly 9-10PM last night.

After about an hour of tossing and turning, he got me off, and then decided he was hungry and went to go get something to eat. Which you gave me permission to do.

He re-entered our bedroom after 4am, having sat up on the internet all night. Not doing schoolwork, or chores...but sitting reading amazon and other blogging sites he reads. He said he "lost track of time" (as though the clock in the corner of the screen somehow disappeared). It's very small, in the corner. I think it's pretty easy to not pay attention to.

As he normally needs 12 hours of sleep, this behavior virtually defeated any chance at having a productive day any time before 4pm. I wish you weren't right about this one. It completely wasted the anti-nightmare medications he took when we went to bed, and most likely means that while he sleeps away the morning, the terrors will come.
It also means that with my work schedule (which gets me out of the house at 5), when I want to go to bed, ideally around 8-9, he will have only been awake for a few hours.

I'm not happy with this, and I told him so. We've spoken about this before. It doesn't seem to have helped. I told him his place is next to me.
And I told him to set an alarm for 11:30 (which is right about now), which should get him up with enough time to do some useful things today, but should leave him feeling a little tired, so that at bedtime, he might have some interest in actually going to bed.

I know staying up late and reading was a problem with a previous dominant (admittedly at that time it was a midnight bedtime). I'm really tempted to find a way to restrain her into bed (with appropriate penalties for having to get up in the middle of the night.)

She at least seemed aware that I was seriously disappointed in this, which is I guess good. I was sobbing and shaking and you only think I seemed aware?

topthemonkey: (Default)
The Top was not pleased by my last entry. He was hurt, I think, that I was feeling like he was less interested in me. He pointed out that I have not been serving him well lately, and that my personal care daily chores (waking up early-ish, taking my meds, showering, changing clothes) are just as much D/s as flogging and fucking. I know this. And when my personal care starts to decline, that's a big warning sign that I'm depressed. When I'm depressed, the Top feels as if he should be able to do something to bring me out of it, and it frustrates him that it doesn't really work that way.

Today at lunch the Top suggested shaving my head and starting over to help me remember my place. Sort of a reboot. I immediately started to cry. He said he didn't know what punishment he could devise, as none of them seemed to sink in. I disagree. I mean, punishment helps, but . . . I don't know any foolproof method for getting me to consistently take care of myself. I know I am my Master's property and as such I have to care for myself. I know I have to do what he says. It feels so simple but then in reality it all breaks down.

This isn't like asking permission to get into bed where I forget, get punished, repeat a few times, then remember and don't do it again. This comes from a different place. It's not just about old habits or patterns of behavior. It's also about dragging myself through daily routine despite depression (hot alliteration there).

The Top is realizing that, to a certain degree at least, I need to be micromanaged (at this point in my life and our relationship). I need someone to say, you need to do xyz and stay on top of me until I get it done, don't let me do other things.

I wonder if play would work as a reward for getting things done, as a motivation. Not orgasms, because while those are nice, and I could probably benefit from more of them, I want bondage. I miss my cage. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been in it in the past 3 months. It really helps me re-focus.

But, like all things in this relationship, I never want to feel like I'm pushing the Top to do something he doesn't want to do. And I feel like if I complain enough, things will change for a few days or even weeks, and then we slip back into a place where he thinks I don't need that* anymore. Right now, though, I can't imagine myself not needing that.

*That=micro-management and increased levels of play, I guess.
topthemonkey: (Default)
This is everything, I suppose, that I expect from my slavegirl.
Standing Expectations:
Note: some of these are obvious.

* Not allowed to self-harm
* Not allowed to drink alcohol without asking
* Not allowed ice cream without asking or gelato or sorbet or frozen custard or frozen yogurt
* Not allowed to smoke (anything).
* Not allowed to call herself stupid, or say demeaning things of herself.
* Not allowed to be alone with X. (Mentioned in other entries).
* Not allowed to masturbate without permission.

* Expected to wear collar 24/7. Which is pretty easy since it's locked on.
* Expected to accept compliments graciously. I think this means without scowling/protesting/glowering
* Expected to lay out my clothing each morning. Or the night before.
* Expected to shower and eat a meal within an hour of waking.
* Expected always have water, medication, and a snack (like an energy bar) when we go out.
* Expected to get me off if asked. Does not have to be with the aid of an orifice.
* Expected (in general) to call me Sir.
* Expected to do laundry. Before the Top runs out of pants (this has happened several times).

Expectations We've played with (only apply if noted)

* Required to ask to leave my presence, unless ordered to do so. (Currently trying this).
* Required to ask to get into my bed.
* Required to shave body regularly.
* Required to wear uniform (skirt/shirt).
* Required to do schoolwork of various types. When school is in session.
* Required to sleep naked. Unless it's really cold and I ask not to, or I have a bleeding vagina. He likes to keep some distance between him and menstrual blood.

Expectations I'd like but which are not practical or which we wouldn't be happy with:

* Wake when I do, sleep when I do. (meds and different metabolisms)
* Sleep in your cage. (Back issues)
* No clothing except uniforms.
* No posessions except things I'd given you. Huh, he's never brought this one up before. I'm glad this is on the "not gonna happen" list because no way I'd be remotely comfortable giving up, say, my dead father's wedding ring or the blanket my aunt made me.

Expectations I'd like:

* Preparation of breakfast every morning. (loosely defined, this means coffee and something baked that I can take and run).
* Wear of some kind of cuff all the time.
* Waiting by the door when I get home (this *might* be easier with something like this)

Things only I can change:
* More Play Time
(to be added to in a bit).


Nov. 13th, 2008 07:42 pm
topthemonkey: (Default)

I just tried the monkey's cell phone. No answer.

Nor have I seen her online.

This is starting to get to me. By my count, we went to bed at around 2am last night.

Starting very soon, I'm going to be transitioning to early-early-mornings to early-afternoons (i.e. leaving my office before rush hour starts), getting home before the rush-hour-out starts.

This is where we come to the "n of m" problem. I, the top, LOVE n of m problems, such as the recent sayings about the mars lander "on time, on budget, on mars, pick two."

In this case, I require about eight hours of sleep. The monkey requires about 12, with it getting progressively worse the later she goes to bed (and her waking up in worse shape). She continually asserts that it's not 12. Trust me, monkey, it's 12.

a) I've stated it before -- I want a slavegirl who will wake up and set out my clothes for me, and have a cookie and some coffee ready to go in a travel-mug for my hour-long commute. Right now, I've got her waking up to take medication, but it's often met with unggggghhhh back to sleep. In a perfect world, she'd be up before me, would have done her stuff, and would wake me up on time. Neither of us adapt well to waking up early...but I now HAVE TO.

b) The monkey wants to go to bed with me. She's most comfortable falling asleep in my arms. Of course, with me going to bed at 8-9ish...there's no way without drugging herself. I contend that there are times I need to send her to bed without me, but I admit it's nice to fall asleep next to someone. Especially when one of their duties is to ahem help get me to sleep.

c) The monkey wants unbroken sleep. I've stated that I'm much more comfortable with her taking a nap in the middle of the day, so long as it's done with an alarm clock.

So: To bed with me, up with me, sleeping the whole time. Pick two. Hint: the one I want is far less negotiable.

This could get a bit odd, and could take a while to get used to.

topthemonkey: (Default)

Yes, I decided that for a) not being more on top of her meds and b) killing time I could be spending at work and c) REALLY not being on top of her meds, the monkey needed to be punished.

One of the things I stress to the Monkey is that my job IS critical to our relationship, and working in IT means odd hours, long hours, leaving in the middle of the night to code because that's when it can get done... Ergo, pulling me away from the office during business hours, is BAD.

I made her strip down to nothing, right in the kitchen, and then I bent her over the back of the couch, held her by the collar with my left hand, and bare-handed her what had to be fifteen or twenty times, on the right ass-cheek. She screamed, she howled, and a few times she started to lose her footing but I ordered her to stay in position, and she did.

Afterward, she had this attitude come over her. I call the attitude "the dark place". She gets narrow-eyed, spiteful, questions everything. Says things that make me doubt the relationship. Things like "is this what you wanted?" and "are you happy now" and (between sobs) "I want to go home". Everything about her; her tone, her demeanor, her body language...they all change. And honestly, when she becomes That Person (it's a mood shift, not like multiple personalities)...I just want to slap her down until she becomes the sweet, submissive, loving girl I adopted.

At one point, she was clawing into my breast, scratching, and I told her, outright: "You know what I'm going to take away if you attack me. (She'll lose her hair). Put your hand down." She did. Eventually, it was over, and I allowed her to take two of her panic attack medicine, which should have her out for the rest of the night. She tells me she wants to take it when she feels like hurting herself -- and I'm all in favor of that, but more often than not, rather than resorting to the crutch of the drug (and eight to twelve hours of drooling sleep), I try to push her through it. Tonight, I couldn't be there (I'm back at work, making up for lost time) -- and I couldn't be sure she'd be okay. I still dislike it. I've pulled her out of spots before where she just wanted to take it and go to sleep.

I see that drug as a parachute. If you're in a nosedive, it can save you before you crash...but you still lose something.

After, while she was making dinner for herself (I wanted her to eat something before she slept), she accused me of being "black and white". Either not punishing her at all, or punishing every little infraction. I countered with the fact that no, meds are just so singularly important. Our very first meeting was influenced by her needing to take those panic drugs, and not having them on her. You bet your ass (no pun intended) I'm going to be rigid about prescribed medications. She said "she felt like she was being beaten every other day." And again I countered that right now her contract only has one clause. The only other punishment she's gotten was for not bringing her nightmare drugs to a slumber party two hours away (note, again, that it's med related). I remarked that she needs to take more responsibility for her drugs now, as previously her parent handled all the refills and insurance and copayments, and now it MUST be her.

So she ate, and we cuddled. I tried to take her collar off, because I didn't want her to feel trapped by it. She begged me not to, and I left it on. I held her as the drug took effect, as she started to trail off. I brought her up to my room, and she stripped and went to bed, tethered and clad in only underwear.

I love her dearly. I don't enjoy seeing her scream and cry like this. But part of my job is to make her just a little bit afraid of not doing these things.
This is behavior conditioning. It's training. It's not always going to be pleasant. I sometimes wonder if some part of her believes that I'm just doing this because she complained she wasn't getting enough -- if she thinks I'm just trying to overfeed her.

topthemonkey: (Default)
My monkey confessed to me yesterday that she's not had a bowel movement in six days.  I suggested the time might be right for an enema, but due to various and sundry and quite vanilla circumstances, we wound up not having the time for it last night, with me promising that she'd receive it first thing in the morning.

When we woke up, I told her to strip, and she quickly called.  "Yellow!  Red!".  I called her by her given name, told her she had nothing to worry about, and went back to sleep.

A few hours later, when I was more awake, we discussed it a little bit more.  She asked if it was important to me.  I explained that for reasons of trust, as well as reasons of obedience, (to say nothing of the health reasons) she should take it, and I would be right there holding her paw the entire time.

I spread a shower curtain across the bed, and had her lay down, and filled the enema.  Now, the monkey had only taken a couple of fleet enemas before.  This is a hospital grade 1500ML industrial-hose enema.  Basically, it was more of a high colonic than anything (warm water, not hot, and a small amount of castille soap).

She took the entire thing in, and was still for about fifteen minutes before I removed the hose and escorted her to the bathroom.

I stood there for a while, letting her grip my hand tightly while it came out.  Mostly liquid but there was (and not to be gross) sound evidence that other things were coming out.  Finally, after about ten minutes she suggested she might be more relaxed if she do it alone.

At that point, I came in here and created this journal.  I'm going to make some backdated entries, so to the casual start-to-end reader it won't be the first.

My name is Dan, and I've fallen for a space monkey.


topthemonkey: (Default)

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