topthemonkey (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
topthemonkey) wrote2008-03-18 07:42 pm
topthemonkey) wrote2008-03-18 07:42 pm
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It turns out I went home for less than 24 hours. The details are in my private blog but if you don't have it then I'll just say there was a lot of family shit and the Top saw with his own eyes how unhealthy my house is. I feel like he didn't "get it" before that, though I tried to explain.
Ever since we left my house I've been feeling less trusting and submissive towards him and more upset in general. I'm balking at things I wouldn't have even a week before.
I think part of it is that I've realized there's part of me that I'm not ready to give up. I guess this is related to the trust thing.
I feel like I have to say, no, this is not OK and I won't do it, regarding certain things that he'll mention he might or does want. Because I don't believe that he knows as well or better than I do what is best for me.
I've decided that this is it, that I'm not going back, I'm staying here. This was a huge decision for me. Making the transition is emotionally difficult. He doesn't seem to understand why.
I feel like I'm abandoning my family. I tried to explain this and then he jumped in with anecdotes about feeling abandoned by his family but that's not it. They're not abandoning ME, I'm abandoning THEM.
Overall though, I'm optimistic about things improving. I see this as more situational than anything and I'm happy that we're talking about problems as they arise.
Ever since we left my house I've been feeling less trusting and submissive towards him and more upset in general. I'm balking at things I wouldn't have even a week before.
I think part of it is that I've realized there's part of me that I'm not ready to give up. I guess this is related to the trust thing.
I feel like I have to say, no, this is not OK and I won't do it, regarding certain things that he'll mention he might or does want. Because I don't believe that he knows as well or better than I do what is best for me.
I've decided that this is it, that I'm not going back, I'm staying here. This was a huge decision for me. Making the transition is emotionally difficult. He doesn't seem to understand why.
I feel like I'm abandoning my family. I tried to explain this and then he jumped in with anecdotes about feeling abandoned by his family but that's not it. They're not abandoning ME, I'm abandoning THEM.
Overall though, I'm optimistic about things improving. I see this as more situational than anything and I'm happy that we're talking about problems as they arise.