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[personal profile] topthemonkey

As mentioned in our last entry, the monkey and I are trying to adapt to poly.

I'm hurting about this. I'm feeling jealous and resentful, which, despite being my apparent right, makes me feel really, really unfair. Does a person have a "right" to feel jealous and resentful in poly? I'm not sure.

During some pillow-talk, I told her "I'm not going to give you a contract that says you can see this girl. I can only speak to my feelings now, and to my desires for you: I am not happy, but I can see you are, and that's important." I'm hoping I'll adapt. Then again, during that same pillowtalk, I told her that I also had no bias against this person, unlike a previous relationship I'd stopped the monkey short on, and had to assert benefit of the doubt. I mentioned to her that she's had numerous other friendships with people I loathe, so this is nothing new. I can only think of my friendship with the previous partner you just mentioned.

Put most harshly, my feelings are something along the line of: you can have permission, or you can have me happy with you right now. Pick one. That's also very black and white.

We sat down and found the time to talk about her new girlfriend, perhaps even enough for me to try and mentally arrange things in a way I'm comfortable with, a way that her new girlfriend (who is also dominant of her but not like the Top is, I'm not her slave, which she knows and respects) fits into my own dynamic, which is to say the "divorced parent" analogy. I think this analogy is far too harsh, and minimizes "Daddy'"'s role. Daddy pays child support and she lives with me, mommy cooks better and does better things. "Better things"? It would mean, quite frankly that I would be able to at the very least send an email to her saying "don't forget, the monkey has homework that needs to be done, please make time for this"...or something. (Note that the "mommy" and "daddy" titles are for the benefit of the reader: ageplay is not assumed here, on any party), although I do see the monkey in a somewhat adolescent light at times, I don't see her as inherently capable of taking care of herself, and I don't see her as capable of getting things she needs to done. This hurts me, though I know it's founded on much empirical evidence.

The monkey's expressed that this girl is respectful of our relationship, and has even gone so far as to leave notes for me thanking me...on the monkey. But either she didn't use a permanent enough marker or the monkey showered really, really well, because I wasn't able to see them. Which is a shame. It wasn't permanent, as she thought it was.

Of course, now, as I write this, the monkey is off on the other coast, having sex with someone else. Someone who paid her airfare so she could go out and visit friends. And all she could say to my objections is "you said it was okay." You gave me permission. I asked specifically, can I leave for these dates to go there and stay with this person. You said yes. I gave him the go-ahead to buy the tickets, he spent his money. It no longer involved just me. I made a commitment to another person, and he would not have gotten his money back; also, I think it's really rude to cancel on people at the last minute, particularly when it's a big thing that's planned. Which is just the world's biggest angry button for me. I previously have gotten angry responses when asked if she could get herself off and I said no. I think I responded angrily twice in over two years. I previously have said in frustration "do whatever you want", which meant "okay, let X rape you". (She concedes that I have good empirical evidence against her always being able to make the best relationship choices). "Always" should get more emphasis here I think.

And this time, I said it was okay because I felt guilt about making her cancel her family trip back over the holidays, and because travel is...uncomfortable at best for me (I'm heavy) so this is not something I can really do with her. But as she reminds me, I still said yes.

Yes, I said it was okay a month ago, and I had no idea the headspace or state our relationship would be in now: at a time when I most desired stability and reinforcement, and togetherness, and time to adapt to the new status quo, I get more of the same poly rammed down my throat, and I get to be without her. It's too much, too soon, and it's moving too fast for me. I didn't think I was ramming anything down your throat. I didn't realize these events would coincide.

In a recent conversation, she told me she'd rather have her girlfriend pick her up when she returns than see me immediately. That really hurt. This was based directly on an extremely hurtful private entry the Top had made that I had read that afternoon. 

It's making me question way much more than I'm comfortable with. I wanted to do things with her before she left, but there wasn't the time. I wanted to put her collar back on her, but I'm afraid of hurting her back or causing more problems with airport security.

I'm letting the hurt and the anger and the fear, uncertainty, and doubt shadow the love I know I have for her, and want to show her but can't. I hate this.

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October 2012

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