topthemonkey

The Top was not pleased by my last entry. He was hurt, I think, that I was feeling like he was less interested in me. He pointed out that I have not been serving him well lately, and that my personal care daily chores (waking up early-ish, taking my meds, showering, changing clothes) are just as much D/s as flogging and fucking. I know this. And when my personal care starts to decline, that's a big warning sign that I'm depressed. When I'm depressed, the Top feels as if he should be able to do something to bring me out of it, and it frustrates him that it doesn't really work that way.

Today at lunch the Top suggested shaving my head and starting over to help me remember my place. Sort of a reboot. I immediately started to cry. He said he didn't know what punishment he could devise, as none of them seemed to sink in. I disagree. I mean, punishment helps, but . . . I don't know any foolproof method for getting me to consistently take care of myself. I know I am my Master's property and as such I have to care for myself. I know I have to do what he says. It feels so simple but then in reality it all breaks down.

This isn't like asking permission to get into bed where I forget, get punished, repeat a few times, then remember and don't do it again. This comes from a different place. It's not just about old habits or patterns of behavior. It's also about dragging myself through daily routine despite depression (hot alliteration there).

The Top is realizing that, to a certain degree at least, I need to be micromanaged (at this point in my life and our relationship). I need someone to say, you need to do xyz and stay on top of me until I get it done, don't let me do other things.

I wonder if play would work as a reward for getting things done, as a motivation. Not orgasms, because while those are nice, and I could probably benefit from more of them, I want bondage. I miss my cage. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been in it in the past 3 months. It really helps me re-focus.

But, like all things in this relationship, I never want to feel like I'm pushing the Top to do something he doesn't want to do. And I feel like if I complain enough, things will change for a few days or even weeks, and then we slip back into a place where he thinks I don't need that* anymore. Right now, though, I can't imagine myself not needing that.


*That=micro-management and increased levels of play, I guess.