topthemonkey | Entries tagged with gender

Language and semantics are important to me. I quibble over the use of "quantify" versus "qualify". I get hung up on "ostensibly" versus "presumably". I get into arguments with the monkey who claims I cannot use the word Grok if I have not read the book it references, or who complains about my use of "if I was" versus "if I were". We argue over qualifying the words "unique" or "prime". The monkey balked at my use of the word "clueful", which in my brain is just what you'd assume it is: the opposite of "clueless" especially when relating to a particular subject.

Unfortunately, it's caused a few issues.

I know several people who are Trans or Genderqueer, at least one other person who wants to be rendered basically asexual, and at least one other who is an "asexual girl" who embraces her girldom, wears rainbow-rings, but can't imagine intimacy with anyone, and there's a semantics issue.

To relate, recently one of our friends commented on a story about Pop, a swedish child who is being brought up gender-neutral, and who is not being forced into any sort of gender binary norms. Our friend said something on a message board vaguely like "I wish him well". (I did not read the statement, I only heard of this from the Monkey). And oh did the excrement hit the rotating air circulator. Her statement -- a supportive one even, was turned into gender-bias by other commenters, who immediately pounced. The sentiment was lost in the semantics.

Upon hearing about this, and after having similar arguments with the monkey, I simply concluded that my option would be not to comment; that any opinion I would care to share would simply be conveyed to the person directly. To our friend's defense, simply stated, Pop has a male connotation in the US. It was an innocent mistake, and the community needs to get the fuck over it. Countless people are going to make the same mistake, to Pop's face, and Pop will get used to it, and chances are, Pop will be far less up in arms over it than the trans community seems to be, and will be much happier to have regular concerns like homework, grades, college, and being happy. Ultimately, one of two things will result from this: Pop will choose his or her own gender, and stick with it. (Optionally, Pop may spend years in therapy, since Pop is now unlike any of his friends, who will latch onto "this is different, let's hurt it" and may likely prove to be Very Fucking Cruel, and Pop may opt to just choose some other things too, like which far-from-home countries to consider living in when Pop hits 18.) Alternatively, pop may stay fluid, and be like the monkey is.

The monkey is GenderQueer. The monkey rejects the binary definition of gender. Reads feministing and watches "target women" (which is hilarious) but loves bond films and the song "99 problems". The monkey is a ball of contradictions, and some crueler people would say "confused". There are days when the simple act of getting dressed is a stressful thing involving 4-or-more complete changes-of-clothing (I call them wardrobe changes), body-dislike, and near-tears frustration for him. Hating his tits, battling PMDD regularly, and crying because of the fit of a given shirt. I have related feeling troubled at not having a semaphore to know if he is feeling male, and in truth, it's worse: more often than not, even the monkey does not know.

Anyone who's read this journal for more than an entry or two knows that I use pronouns to refer to the monkey: I simply use BOTH pronouns, interchangably.

Several people have commented that this is confusing, and that it makes it seem as though there are more than two people, which led us to create the additional standard: if I'm talking about someone else, and haven't mentioned them by name or initial, I'm likely talking about the Monkey. Sometimes for readability I will constrain the use of pronouns to one paragraph or another.

But, that only helps me in the context of this blog.

I have no problem in calling a person by their chosen gender. If my friend Simon wants to be "he", then that's what he is, and I'm proud of him for reaching this point. I may slip and use the birth-gender from time to time, and it gets more awkward when he's not fully transitioned, and someone else asks about "her", but I graciously accept corrections.

There's a greater problem. And that's how to refer to someone who is, in fact, both genders, or is in process of transitioning, who is genderqueer, or gender neutral, or even asexual, like the Monkey.

Sie/Hir:

Sie and Hir are awkward. The monkey insists they're the correct way to do this, but I feel it's the same argument as a person. Kindergarteners know "he" and "she". There are college graduates who wouldn't know the words Hir or Sie if they read them or heard them used. I've been active with herm/trans fans for a long time, and even I only recently heard "Sie" pronounced "Zee", instead of "See".

I feel, when a word like this is used to a person who's not trans-aware, it would serve to instantly derail the conversation, or worse, first impression, into "what was that you called [perception-biased gender pronoun]?" It removes the focus from the sentiment, and places it on the semantics. If in doubt, imagine introducing your genderqueer friend to your grandmother.

Make no mistake, if I were to introduce my f2m friend to my grandmother, it would be as simple as "This is mike, he's staying with me". That's not what this is about. I've come right out and described the monkey as trans to my mother (and I did so while coming off a general anaesthetic). I did it because, damnit, I wanted the monkey to be HE, right then and there, and my mother questioned it.

Full Name:

Using the full name is awkward too. I mean, aside from the fact that same names are inspecific anyway (for example, there is a male comedian with the Monkey's given name, both common and last), and other names are not, it gets tedious. Sure, if your name is a one-syllable thing, it's easy. But I'm reminded of the Birdcage, and the character "Agador-Spartacus" (he always insists on being called by his full names!). It gets awkward, and annoying, in both speech and writing. Even if YOU use the full name, every time, someone else won't. Then you have to break and explain that pronoun problem.
And you have to KEEP explaining it, over and over.

Other Ugliness:

I mean, if you like, there's a couple of outright-offensive and accepted-nowhere terms, like "it" and "he or she" or "he slash she". Oddly, while those are offensive to trans people, saying "he or she" might be something I'd expect a doctor to do, talking about a yet-unsexed baby (either undeveloped or undetermined). Ironically, I was recalling to the monkey that a long time ago I had been reading a book for prospective mothers (I have no idea why), and the doctor writing the book took the time in an author's note to point out that "yes, I call your baby 'he', it is less callous than 'it' and less awkward for myself and my editor than 'he or she' every time." (I'm paraphrasing that.) In chapters referring specifically to sexual development he was more specific, but in general, it was to be understood to the reader that it was a placeholder: stop fighting the semantics and read how to actually take care of the thing.

The monkey and I disagree on what I feel is the most logical term: "They". It's a common part of speech, often used to imply a "party of one", doesn't turn any heads or cause any awareness. This actually came up a long, long time ago with my friend who was fighting his way through coming out of the closet. People would ask about his date for a dance, and he'd say "they don't go to this school". Totally acceptable, no warning signs at all, nobody questions it.

The best example I give of gender-inspecific examples is when the person is not even around to pass or not-pass. A good example of syntax is on the phone:

Phone rings "Hi, is Chris there?" "No, Chris isn't here." "Okay, do you know when he will be back?"

At this point, the caller has just chosen and assigned a gender to the person. Is that more or less offensive than me leading them on with "they"?
(And let's face it, the caller may not know). What word would the caller likely use, speaking most naturally? "Okay, do you know when he or she will be back?", "...when Chris will be back?", or "...when they'll be back?" It's one of the four. It's easy to survey to figure out. (And I know several people on another journal that have done phone/answering service work that I could ask).

On the same note, if I'm at a restaurant with the monkey, and the monkey is dressed neutrally, it is HIS option to pass or not pass, because he's fluid. If the waiter shows up and asks what kind of drinks we want, "I'll have a coke, they'll have a water." is my answer.

Conclusion:

I'm male. I've always been male. It's simple for me, I guess. I reflect that 75-95 percent of the population of the entire planet probably identifies as one of the other, but I can certainly respect that. I'm involved in it, so gender's fluid for me, too. However, I've been mistaken for female, both on the phone, or in person. I get it on the phone about 30 percent of the time with a person I've never spoken with before. I have had a teeny-tiny little slice of what it's like to "pass" or be "made", to not be mistaken as my preferred gender, entirely by accident. It bothers me a lot.

I'm involved in the Fur fandom. We have a LOT of trans people, a lot of bisexual males, and a lot of people who've got soft features and who have tits, despite having had no hormone therapy and NOT being trans. We also have a LOT of people who use completely nonstandard names, that give you no gender clue.

In short, if I'm introduced to someone whose gender I don't know, "they" is the only option, because any OTHER option denies that person their right to tell me what they want. (See how "they" makes perfect sense in that sentence?) Do I feel like more of an ass calling a person "THEY", or mistaking them completely for something they're not?

Pronouns are a part of speech. They evolved from the need for simplicity. We use them because names are syntactically awkward, long, and come from a number of not-phonetically-spelled languages. If I use "they" in a casual setting, and someone jumps at me, I'm quite sorry. Pronouns are simply a reference; a way to communicate about you to third parties, a portable substitution for the actual value of an otherwise anonymous variable.(*) It's semantics.

I'll say this, though. Once I know you, once I've met you, you're the same person you always were to me, you're my friend. I may use "they" over "Sie" (but not over a definitive He or She) and it may offend you greatly, but in reality, the only pronoun important to me is "you".

(*) Yes, that's a perl reference.

This is a response to the monkey's previous post. It may or may not be fueled by caffeine-induced rage, and it may or may not be influenced by the fact that when I tried to explain all this to the monkey this morning, as I felt bad about the way she felt last night, my words fell on sleeping ears.

I realize for some of our readers here, some of the details of our personal lives aren't always apparent, but I should say it: I'm at a new job. I've been there for only a few months. Yes, we live in a relatively open-minded area, but even then: I don't know any of these people personally, and can't manage to pre-gauge their reactions on many things.

As I explained to the monkey: "you identify as (gender) queer, which means I use either pronoun for you. Around my coworkers, the female is most convenient as that is how you were introduced." If it turns out that the monkey starts preferring exclusively male pronouns, then I will start using them. And it means that I will "come out", and will have a talk with anyone who asks about what this means. She's my monkey and I'm with her for better or worse (wow, that doesn't make me feel like a burden at all). For other friends who are trans? I could cautiously introduce my coworkers to that concept. But it's slippery, and it doesn't apply to everyone I might have in my life. I guess I just don't see it as something that should be "cautiously introduced." I don't think that simply disclosing gender is synonymous with discussing sex/personal life.

I'm friendly with my coworkers, but they're not really my "friends". The question I must ask is: 'would I be friends with these people, in the same sense that the details of my love life would be relevant, without a working relationship?' For example, I've known our CEO for years, in a technical sense, but never where we'd talk about anything non-technical. I don't feel any particular closeness to them, and honestly can count on one hand the number of people I've worked with, that I've shared details about my personal life with, that I did not initially know outside of work. (Thus people like AA and CO would count on that list, people like JL would not). Wanting to not be friends with your subordinates makes managerial decisions easier, and makes decisions like hiring and firing and evaluations more clinical, so I suppose I can understand it. These people owe me a paycheck.
They even (because we're in a good place) owe both me and the monkey benefits. They don't owe me understanding or acceptance. That's kind of harsh. They owe tolerance at the very least. At the end of the day, my working relationship with them is simply that: a working relationship.

And in the end: my job is giving me quite a lot to live on right now, and as much of a cop-out as it is: I'm not going to rock the boat. I feel nervous discussing Prop 8 with my coworkers. Yeah, because they all seem like super-conservative homo-haters. I feel awkward talking about fun I have in the more gay neighborhoods in the city. It's not like you're talking about porn shops or cruising. We went to a fucking G-rated movie! This...would be more of that.

The monkey embarrassed me (and another coworker) quite a bit within the first week of meeting some of them. It came up that one of them was furry, and (in a car with ~~others~~ one who were not) the monkey started a conversation about "who was that guy who shit his diaper in a friend's car?" OK, we were on the subject of babyfurs specifically, I didn't bring it up (I think) and I was using that as an extreme example. Fine, it was inappropriate. I don't think before I speak. I don't have an inner censor. I overshare. These are things I need to work on, I admit. But you shared an embarrassing anecdote about ME with fucking everyone and felt no shame. (That same coworker had noticed the monkey's collar, and later advised me to keep kink-related stuff off the radar.) And yet, another co-worker openly discussed going to the Folsom Street (Fetish) Fair and another about wanting to buy pot in San Francisco. AND NOBODY CARED.

The fact that the monkey (and/or other folks, trans or not) would be in my office is because there are reasons: it's not a hangout spot, but occasionally the monkey is there because she has an appointment in the area, or because we have shopping to do after work. People have been cordial and friendly to her, and they've had no reason not to. Because you're made me terrified to say anything. Having other friends there would be for similar reasons, and I would not think it would be nearly as common if I didn't live an hour away from my office.

But I've been here only a few months. I cannot gauge the typically closed-minded reaction of people, who talk to the monkey about when we're going to get married(1) and why we're pushing the DP angle, to not have the same biases I do. People just assume, male and female together for awhile, must want to get married. It sucks, but you can just say "we're not interested in marriage." Several years ago, I struggled with many of the same term-biases that other people have: that a bio-female in a long-term relationship with a bio-male couldn't logically identify as a lesbian (even though the same bio-male is now (and was then, to a lesser degree) trans). Or struggling over being corrected for calling someone by a pronoun defined their "legal" gender, and including hearing the stories of the pigheadedness that comes with things like "have you legally changed your name? Do you have a penis yet?" (Several, in varying sizes and colors.) then I'm going to call you what you are. On my own side, I occasionally get mistaken for a female (it's embarassed my father a number of times to hear "Oh, is this your daughter?". Even as recently as a month ago, I got called "miss". It usually happens when I'm clean shaven, and happened a LOT more often when I had my hair longer and in a ponytail. My voice is higher than most, which also makes people think I'm gay(2) . So I've had at least a small taste at not being taken for my true gender. I'm not saying "I know what it's like to be trans" or "I know the excitement and feeling of acceptance you get when you pass". I'm just saying I've had a small taste.

And yes, as language is a concept, and language is fluid, there are terms that most people just don't get yet. No excuse. How will they learn if everyone takes that attitude? "They" is already a word everyone knows, and people already accept it as a given even for a single. E.g:"I'm sorry, they can't come to the phone right now."(3) Much like the word "womyn" seems to some to be less about fairness and equality, and more about unshaved flannel-wearing there-are-penises-on-the-land radical over-the-top-feminism, (This sentence makes me angry in ways I don't have words for) forcing myself to use a term like "sie"(4) or "hir" would evoke immediate confusion, 20 minutes of explaining, another half hour of Q&A, or just plain awkwardness, and some people at work have told me outright that they just don't care about (and don't want to hear about) my personal life. And in dealing with Language, you're at the mercy of negotiation: just like computers on a network, you have to agree on a common set of terms and protocols to get a message across.(5)

The monkey doesn't like "being referred to by the plural", but some people, whom I consider friends, even when I've tried earnestly to explain what it means to be genderqueer, have preferred another term: "it." And then they've explained that they're just joking (I make some off-color jokes myself but you just called the person I love "it". How is that funny?) Who said that? Is that better?(6) "They" is a nice way of slipping things under the radar, of preempting reactions, seeing how a person is perceived without any, and when it becomes clear that I only use that term or a proper name rather than a gender-pronoun, I can turn around to a person I feel might be accepting and say: "Have you ever heard me use the word 'her'?". Yes, that's deceptive, I suppose. But I'd prefer people get to know my friends as people-first, and trans-entity second. Pronouns other than "they" screw that up.

I can also always just use a person's given name, but that gets tedious and obvious, and the goal here is NOT to be obvious. Not because I'm trying to HIDE their gender, but because I'm trying not to FORCE their gender. There's a (very fucking) subtle line, but given my own pessimism of people, I prefer to work to that point slowly. Maybe this is part of the monkey's issue. It's not about pride, it's not about embarrassment. It's about need-to-know.

I revealed the Monkey's gender identity to my mother, while I was recovering from surgery (and I will continue to blame both the drugs I was on and my mother's attitude.) I wasn't trying to weaponize her identity, and I feel that may have created a sore spot. You totally were! You were using me against her and we both knew it. Don't use the drugs as an excuse.

My monkey is my monkey. I love my monkey. And I'm going to take care of my monkey. What else should matter?

(1) (I explained our domestic partnership as being for religious reasons, which is coincidentally also true -- once again, the reality versus what people NEED to know is not unrelated.)

(2) (and maybe I am, after all, I fucked a boy in the ass last night!)

(3) (On the same note, we say "your party cannot come to the phone right now". Isn't that also implying the plural? No.)

(4) (as an aside and to make things more confusing, "SIE" is also a technical term where I work).

(5) This will be a long footnote, but it was always a common argument of the monkey to state that "sex" is about physicality, and "gender" is about identity. Um, not exactly, but pretty much. Also, anyone remotely educated about gender issues knows this. I argued that at least in some circles (lingual dialects) gender is a technical term that has its own meanings. For example: in computers, a Gender Changer changes the PHYSICAL characteristics of a port, but NOT the signaling coming out of it. To take this tangent further, her definition of Gender would apply more to something like an identical port that changes context but not its physicality. For example, the distinction between an FXS interface and an FXO interface: one is likely the phone jack on your wall, the other is the (physically identical) jack on the bottom of your phone.

(6) (We also lack a term for true asexuals that doesn't imply inanimate object. You're conflating gender and sex with sexual orientation. That's outside the scope of this post for discussion.)

I was incredibly hurt by something the Top said earlier tonight.

We were discussing an FTM friend (who hasn't transitioned at all) who may be visiting in the near future. I slipped and used female pronouns, partly because the Top only uses female pronouns when referring to this friend.

We got into a discussion about pronouns. The Top likes using "they," which makes the English major in me cringe. You, the reader, have obviously noticed his fondness for switching between male and female pronouns. I have mixed feelings about this personally. I prefer male pronouns when I'm feeling more male and female pronouns when I'm feeling more female; unfortunately, I often feel uncomfortable updating people, even the Top, on my gender state. And it can fluctuate quite often.

The Top is strongly against gender-neutral pronouns, whereas I see them as a good compromise. The Top's main objection seems to be that using them in mixed company inevitably involves explaining to cisgendered people (who don't have transgendered friends or family) what they mean. I expressed a lack of compassion. I accepted years ago that I would be explaining shit like this to people pretty often in my life. The Top needs to accept that being with me means that he's going to have to do that, too. In a respectful way. Matter-of-factly.

The specific scenerio that was mentioned was using gender-neutral pronouns to refer to this FTM friend in front of the Top's coworkers. The Top objected strongly to this, as he would have to explain what they meant to people he works with. I didn't understand why this was an issue. I was hurt by this.

So what's he going to do when/if I transition? Get breast reduction surgery? Go on testosterone? Just hope nobody notices? That they would be too embarrassed to say anything?

My classes start tomorrow. They're all online this semester again. We have to post introductory posts this week. I'm so tempted to say:

Hi, I got my BA in English, finishing my Masters right now. I hope to get into a Ph.D. program but if not then I'll go into library and information sciences.

I identify as a genderqueer pre-op transgendered dyke or fag (depending on the day, but mostly dyke) and I live in a bdsm lifestyle house as a slave with my Dom and another Master/slave couple.

My interests include poetry, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, shibari, French postmodern theorists, corsets and strap-ons.

But maybe that's an over-share? Everyone else talks about their damn husbands/wives/boyfriends/girlfriends and children! And I feel like I can't say anything about my own relationship status or I have to be super vague or lie. Bah.

It's very hard to jerk yourself off when your penis isn't real. I just sort of rubbed the base against my clit and that worked. While the Top shoved a dildo in my ass. He called me a faggot and a twink during to turn me on, but it just made me giggle.

I really, really need a new packing penis. Mine is . . . gross. I have one of these.

This is non-porous, but I've heard it's also a bit too big and firm for everyday packing.

I'd really like to try this.

Also, I want this, for fucking. The dildos I have right now are not realistic in the least. Which isn't bad, but sometimes I want something that feels like mine.

I think I'm ovulating. The clues are increased irrational irritability, nearly always aroused, and a change in taste and smell of my vaginal discharge.
I really don't like this time of the month.
Any issues I have with my gender identity are just amplified when it comes to menstruation.

The other day, I was feeling particularly male. The Top and I were in bed and he was making advances. I was not really responding. He started to go down on me and it felt awkward but I relaxed, got into it, and came. Then he tried to kiss me.

And I just felt so utterly disgusted. I tried to push him away, and he seemed angry and confused.*

Normally, I like the taste and smell of pussy, including my own. But when I'm feeling more male, I'm more attracted to males.
That's Issue #1.
Issue #2 is (and maybe you've guessed this already) I was feeling disconnected from my genitalia, managed to ignore these feelings and then there's this big sticky reminder, OH WAIT I HAVE A VAGINA.

It's not like I want SRS, because I don't. I just . . . I hate this feeling.

*I only managed to explain to him what was wrong the next day.

At a recent family gathering (on St Patrick's day, or a day before), my oft-uncommunicated-to sister mentioned "I saw a movie that you'd really like". She was referring to the Spader/Gillenhall movie, Secretary. She also referred to it improperly as "The Secretary". Grr.

Anyway, this had me thinking. Why did she say I'd like it. I've been, for several years now, keeping my kinks and preferences carefully guarded.

So, to the member of my family that I'm most open (my brother, eight years my junior), I decided to finally ask and tell...

I, the Monkey, personally feel that the Top way over-shared here. I think many of the details he shared were inappropriate. His brother didn't need or want to know as much as the Top told him. And, though I suppose it's not my place to say, I am not comfortable at all with the level of detail that the Top went into. Frequently I feel that the Top relishes my . . . strangeness? That he enjoys squicking people with aspects of my gender identity/sexuality and the nature of our relationship. This entry made me kind of sad. I feel a little used and violated.

[18:58:27]  Him: wuts up
[19:14:23]  Me : Oh not much
[19:16:10]  Me : Your sister mentioned something interesting the last time I was there, made me think about things.
[19:16:22]  Him: what was that?
[19:16:28]  Me : When she was talking about that movie Secretary, and how I'd really like it.
[19:16:38]  Me : How much do you folks actually know about my sex life?
[19:16:48]  Me : Or want to know, for that matter?
[19:17:07]  Him: your not coming out to me are you
[19:17:21]  Me : No, you've met [boy], she's female.
[19:17:23]  Him: why do people always come out to me?!?!?!
[19:17:33]  Him: shes also pre op
[19:17:47]  Him: what happens then?
[19:17:57]  Me : She's never getting rid of her vagina.
[19:18:09]  Me : Because the surgical options for girls suck.
[19:18:24]  Him: uh ok
[19:18:26]  Me : Basically you get rid of your sensitive bits to get a small penis that cannot get erect nor
ejaculate.
[19:18:42]  Me : Doing guy to girl is easy.
[19:18:50]  Me : Drill a hole, cut off the danglies.
[19:18:53]  Him: so your gonna be bangin a tranny?
[19:19:06]  Me : Well, she wants a breast reduction.
[19:19:13]  Me : But hell, [previous large chested girlfriend] wanted that.
[19:19:21]  Me : Those things are apparently murder on the back.
[19:19:30]  Him: apparently
[19:19:32]  Me : She was thinking of doing hormones, too, but has decided against it.
[19:19:57]  Me : Mostly, she's shooting for Androgyny, if you know what that means.
[19:20:04]  Me : Kinda being able to pass for either.
[19:20:27]  Me : She's a feminist, and thinks males have more power, so it's very empowering to pass as one.
[19:20:52]  Me : She occasionally wears a chest binder, and she occasionally packs her pants...
[19:20:53]  Him: you seem to find girls like that a lot
[19:21:02]  Me : And my nickname for her is "Boy"
[19:21:09]  Me : We use both sets of pronouns for her.
[19:21:21]  Me : I intentionally try not to use one more than the other.
[19:21:23]  Him: isn't it odd for you
[19:21:31]  Me : Is she happy? Yes.
[19:21:36]  Me : That's all that matters.
[19:21:40]  Me : Do I love her?
[19:21:41]  Me : Yes.
[19:21:42]  Him: but are you
[19:21:45]  Me : Sure.
[19:21:54]  Me : That's the thing, tho.
[19:21:57]  Me : That was my question.
[19:22:02]  Me : Do you know about the REST of it?
[19:22:10]  Me : Other than the whole pre-op thing.
[19:22:12]  Him: well thats all that matters to me
[19:22:19]  Him: sure unload man
[19:22:20]  Me : Or do people just assume.
[19:22:22]  Me : ?
[19:22:31]  Me : Do you know about our dynamic?
[19:23:09]  Him: i don't wanna spill
[19:23:24]  Me : Well, this was the point.
[19:23:32]  Me : What do people know about me, and what do people assume?
[19:24:32]  Him: people only know what you tell and natural human behavior allows the imagination to run
wherever it wants
[19:24:44]  Me : well I've told very little.
[19:24:51]  Me : SO what is it people are imagining?
[19:26:06]  Me : I'm sure you people must talk from time to time.
[19:26:19]  Him: personally i don't assume much... I know you kinda like some freaky shit but thats about
it
[19:26:36]  Me : Well there you go.
[19:26:40]  Him: and who doesn't
[19:26:55]  Him: well there I go what?
[19:27:06]  Me : That's a good sum-up of what's going on.
[19:27:46]  Him: that wasn't an assumption
[19:28:00]  Me : I mean, Dad's a worldly guy...if he were to visit and realize that The Monkey's as much a
submissive as Lee Holloway from Secretary, how do you think he'd react?
[19:28:22]  Me : I know your mother would be all BLAH BLAH DYSFUNCTION UNHEALTHY BLAH BLAH SICK.
[19:29:02]  Him: personally so was [my ex] and I used to love that shit... still do from time to time
[19:29:34]  Me : I...would consider [your ex] to be a bedroom sub.
[19:29:41]  Him: my father lets just leave the ideas of his sexual preference out of my head
[19:29:51]  Me : Does the word "LifeStyler" hold any meaning in this context?
[19:30:06]  Him: hmmm
[19:30:10]  Me : And not as in the brand of condom.
[19:30:18]  Me : Like, full time.
[19:30:22]  Him: like the guy in the box in pulp fiction
[19:30:24]  Me : [The Monkey] calls me Sir. All the time.
[19:30:32]  Me : She wears a collar. All the time.
[19:30:40]  Me : As does [The Master's] girl who is around here.
[19:31:03]  Me : She dresses to my preferences, whenever I say.
[19:31:09]  Him: as long as EVERYONE is having a good time with it more power to ya
[19:31:20]  Me : (which is usually skirt and a button down shirt...I have a skirt thing)
[19:31:37]  Me : It's not so much that she's a gimp....
[19:31:44]  Me : but it isn't a game that starts and ends.
[19:31:51]  Me : Or that we play with during some kinky sex.
[19:32:15]  Me : She knows, outright, that if I have a problem with her, I'll make it clear, and she'll have
to be accountable for it.
[19:32:24]  Me : It means I determine key things in her life.
[19:32:40]  Me : If she's allowed to leave the house, if she's allowed to have her favorite foods....
[19:32:41]  Him: must be empowering
[19:33:00]  Me : And the part most people freak about.
[19:33:17]  Me : She knows that if she upsets me enough, that she's going to be punished. Physically, if
necessary.
[19:33:44]  Me : Like, not a couple whacks on the ass furing rough sex...
[19:33:53]  Me : So, I don't know if this is me coming out, or whatnot.
[19:34:07]  Me : but this is what we're about.
[19:34:17]  Me : It's the dynamic that's in effect in our house if you ever visit.
[19:34:32]  Me : It's still a normal place where we chill out, make food for each other, and watch cheesy
anime.
[19:34:50]  Me : But, [The Master] and I are...well, for want of a better term...masters.
[19:35:00]  Me : And we have girls who are fiercely loyal to us.
[19:35:12]  Him: seems a bit extreme to me, I think theres a fine line between an unusaual relationship and
an abusive one
[19:35:12]  Me : More loyal than some of my previous relationships.
[19:35:28]  Me : Allow me to offer a line of comparison, then.
[19:35:35]  Him: k
[19:35:40]  Me : [Your ex's] parents.
[19:35:46]  Me : And [the monkey's]....are not that different.
[19:35:59]  Me : Actually her mom and stepdad (dad died when she was 17).
[19:36:10]  Him: ok
[19:36:14]  Me : Drugs. Alcohol.
[19:36:43]  Me : And for her to strive to maintain function, stay on track with schoolwork, keep herself
not-depressed, showering every day, eating healthy, taking her meds on time....
[19:36:48]  Me : It's hard.
[19:36:55]  Me : She slips into the dysfunction easy.
[19:37:16]  Him: it seems like you took advantage of that
[19:37:18]  Me : With us, chores are done, schoolwork gets done (and she's a full time student, just online
at SB).
[19:38:02]  Me : She gets up at a good hour, gets to sleep at a good hour...sets out my clothing for work the
night before, is being trained to get up with me and make breakfast...
[19:38:39]  Me : And yes, I *do* occasionally need to be hard with her. (Nothing sexual there)
[19:38:51]  Me : but there's no subtext.
[19:39:19]  Me : It's "I'm upset with you, I told you to do X, you didn't/did Y instead, here's what you're
going to do/have happen"
[19:39:26]  Me : And in some ways you have to treat her like a child.
[19:39:45]  Me : but I can't describe how fulfilling it is.
[19:39:56]  Me : I don't know if you understand it...most outsiders don't.
[19:40:10]  Me : it's not like the "hey wanna use handcuffs" bedroom play.
[19:40:28]  Me : Although we have about six pairs of handcuffs, and about 400 feet of rope in every color.
[19:40:48]  Me : and a play room that we're in the process of reinforcing the ceiling in and soundproofing.
[19:41:21]  Him: i undersand the feeling i think to each their own just please please don't be taking
advantage of this girl... that I would not condone
[19:41:37]  Me : It's anything but.
[19:41:49]  Me : In taking this on, it means I also take responsibility for her.
[19:41:56]  Him: then more power to ya bro
[19:42:01]  Me : Means I have to support her...
[19:42:08]  Me : and it means that such is done on MY terms.
[19:42:24]  Me : I'm not sure why I'm mentioning this to you.
[19:42:34]  Him: i was just thinking that
[19:42:43]  Me : I guess because I figured you guys had made SOME assumptions about me based on my sister's
comment about that movie.
[19:44:50]  Me : I've been hiding this part of my life from family for a long time.
[19:44:55]  Me : Probably won't ever tell mom.
[19:45:14]  Me : but somehow, at this point I see you as an adult and figure you can handle "this is what and
who I am"
[19:46:17]  Him: well I apreciate your trust and know that it wont be violated
[19:48:07]  Me : I've been in enough relationships where I got walked on...paid the majority of the rent to
sleep on the couch or the floor.
[19:49:11]  Him: yea relationships can be fuckin brutal
[19:49:48]  Me : this one may seem strict and rigid, but I've never been so happy.
[19:49:54]  Me : And it lets me just be honest.
[19:50:03]  Me : there's no fear of saying "I have a problem"
[19:50:27]  Me : no drama in saying "I'm not comfortable with your behavior and I need it to change"
[19:50:39]  Him: just make sure the feeling is mutual
[19:50:53]  Me : Well, from her side it's a little different.
[19:50:56]  Me : of course.
[19:51:04]  Me : she's the sub after all.
[19:51:23]  Me : but every night, once the lights are off, we talk together, about everything.
[19:51:39]  Me : About her feelings and how she's working through her training.
[19:51:48]  Me : About her interactions with people.
[19:52:08]  Me : And I can tell her, every day, without fail, that she has or hasn't been good.
[19:52:12]  Him: you have to know that a situation like this wont be permanent
[19:52:26]  Me : It's been almost a year.
[19:52:38]  Me : And yes, she may move on.
[19:52:52]  Me : "Graduate" as the term occasionally is.
[19:53:02]  Him: she's most likely going through a phase
[19:53:12]  Me : ...that's the thing, man.
[19:53:31]  Me : I've known this felt like The Way Things Should Be for most of my life.
[19:53:45]  Me : And for a while, felt very very alone in it (kinda like being gay, I guess)
[19:53:59]  Me : There are a lot of people who hold these values dear.
[19:54:05]  Me : I wish you could see it.
[19:54:11]  Me : See the interaction.
[19:54:21]  Me : Maybe then you might understand.
[19:54:38]  Him: guess you gotta be in it to win it
[19:54:42]  Me : When I was in NY, because of the whole living-with-an-ex thing, it was hard to be ourselves.
[19:55:14]  Me : but she's been calling me Sir for the better part of a year now.
[19:55:24]  Me : And things are only getting more serious.
[19:56:56]  Him: I just wanna see you happy man and if thats what it takes then god bless ya dude just be
careful cause it seems like your skating on pretty thin ice

So as the rather humorous subject line of this post goes, yesterday the Monkey got their first dose of waxplay at my hand. There was nothing poetic about it, but it was a rather hot scene (again, no pun intended). The monkey was on her stomach, in a hog-tie restraint (all the cuffs locked), and gagged tightly with his favorite ball gag. I started the waxplay, with a votive candle resting on the Monkey's back. She snapped her fingers, (which translates to yellow) and expressed (after I de-gagged him) that they were afraid of me leaving the candle in contact with their skin. So this required a change of tack:

I took his large butt plug, and told the monkey she was going to have to wear it (after all, why had she brought it if not). The monkey called yellow at one point, was crying, gasping at this point, but I looked him in the eye, and told him, once and only once: "Take it. That's an order. You know where you'll be going if you break a direct order." (*) There were a lot of tears, and quite a bit of Astroglide, and some slowdown to what I might expect later in the future, but the plug finally was placed in.

Once it was in, I returned to the wax. I tried with a regular unscented taper candle, but the steady drip-drip-drip was too much (and not unlike a hot version of the Chinese Water Torture) and the monkey called the final "yellow" of the evening. So I decided to go with the "let it melt and toss it" method, which basically involves throwing the wax from one candle while waiting for the other to melt (and also, carefully scuplting the candles as they soften for optimal speed-melting). The more candles you get in rotation, the larger the dosage per-shot. In this case I would say it was about a half-teaspoon per. We went through most of two scented votive candles, mostly along the back and butt, but a few splashes along the arms, and even one carefully down the monkey's right cheek. This went on for a while, until I would estimate I had a 75 percent coverage of her back. Once the "Shell" was good and hard, I took the crop, and shattered most of the wax over her with five or six well-placed but relatively light strikes. The monkey expressed some discomfort at her plug, so I removed it, and then threw some more wax just for good measure, and removed her restraints and brought her downstairs while I made dinner.

He mentioned that he had been in and out of sub-space several times during the scene (but later mentioned that they didn't feel I did enough "aftercare" (i.e. resassurance and cool-down post-scene).)

(The astute reader will note I am swapping gender-pronouns. They refer to the same individual, but this is something we engage in in the bedroom, and since the purpose of this journal is to be nothing less than candid, the practice will hold here.)

Later that night, and after dinner, as we were cuddling and getting ready for bed, I ordered him to lick my nipple for a while. it got me quite aroused so I had the monkey go down on me, fucking her mouth until I came. Before I unloaded, I told her: "You're going to swallow, or it's the basement." She got me off, and she really tried hard, but her gag reflex was too strong and she coughed it back out on me.

I felt so bad for her, there was a part of me that wants her trained in this, but at the same time, she's trying very hard, so as she lay down next to me, depressed, I rubbed the monkey head for good luck, and told her that I could ask nothing more than her best, and that she would learn, eventually, and she was not going to be punished because she had tried.

(*)I also find it amusing to note that it's been at least a few days since the monkey has needed her behavior corrected in any manner. Clearly, this one adapts well and learns quickly. And like any space monkey, they know that the first rule is that you do not ask questions. :)

My name is D, and I am in love with a space monkey.