topthemonkey

(sighs) Per a text message, my fears were correct, I was right.

I don't know what happens next. I feel sick.

The subject line says it all, really.

Today, the monkey departs back to our previous homeland (a few hundred miles away).  I'm driving him.  He'll be staying with his parents.  Other than his (fairly discreet) pet collar, there will be no kink.

His responsibilities are simple: Make himself ready to belong to me.  Prove himself capable of taking care of what will be my property.

This includes on a more minor level: Showering daily, eating healthy, waking at a reasonable and consistent hour, doing at least some nominal exercise each day.  These may not sound difficult, but when I'm home I turn into an insomniac who just drifts listless around the house and only eats carbs, never leaving, showering once a week, staying in pajamas, hating life. His masturbation restriction remains, and I'm unlikely to grant any permission remotely.  Same for the restriction on his favorite food. I'm guessing he means ice cream.

The Monkey is to have no personal contact with the person (mentioned earlier in this Journal) who forced himself on The Monkey.  They've been talking online, and while the monkey still considers him a friend (I'm sorry, (No, you're not) but I don't think I  "get it", monkey.  He rapes you.  You masturbate afterwards (Technically it was during).  You report it to me, sobbing.   You guys remain friends.  And he'd do it again given half a chance.  Hell, he HAD done it again, even knowing you might be punished.)

I've told the monkey, that when he returns, he'll be getting a steel collar.  I believe that his collar will be one from NeoSteel, at least at first.  The investment is reasonable, it's comfortable, and still looks okay to mundanes. I really disagree on that last point.  He may "graduate" up to finer collars, but for a new slave, this one is a fair choice.  (I would have considered a gorean collar from houseofcollars/eternitycollars/dreamstrike, but a) I've already owned those before and b) the monkey previously wore one.)

Other conditions will be evident when he returns as well -- even though he's been IN this new house for a while, to gain rank in this new house, he will have to start from the ground up, and that means when he comes here, he will be restricted to the house for at least a couple weeks, probably not even allowed internet or IMs (other than for school and therapeutic reasons).
I have issues with this. I tend to isolate myself to begin with, having some social anxiety, and I really don't think this will be healthy for me. Going out to eat is overwhelming for me right now, I've spent so much time confined. Also, due to the lack of exercise, even walking ANYWHERE my achilles tendons are getting tighter and I practically get out of breath walking to the mailbox.

I want him to enter this house as a full slave.  Naked, wearing nothing but his collar.  With a contract, signed.  On the contract note, I may post it here for review.  The way I hope to work it is he will have a base contract, with core, inalienable rules.  His property.  His uniform.  His core responsibilities.  His safeword privileges.  Who may (or who may not) give him orders to do what.  Then, any time his privileges change, he will receive a copy of the new rules, and will have to sign them.  In this way, there can be no doubt as to his expectations.  Similar for changes to chores and expected duties (the difference being the Other Master can assign him chores, whereas real rules are strictly myself).  And so much more, to be detailed, after the fact.

He's nervous as hell, poor thing.  Scared of not coming back. Scared of the commitments involved when he comes back.  Scared of breaking the "I'm going to be moving away" news to Parents and still having them cover certain things. Scared of what will happen when I am home.

He's a good slave, though, and I have complete faith in him.  He has in the past (and will continue to) make me proud.

My name is D, and I love my Monkey.  Beyond words.

The Top asked me to write an entry regarding the events of last night. I wanted to hold off until some issues had been resolved, but that is not his wish. I suppose it's better this way, since it's still pretty fresh.

Yesterday I promised a friend, X, I would hang out with him. X and I have been lovers on and off for years and friends consistently, while our primary significant others have come and gone. X has similar problems as I do with self-control/compulsiveness regarding sex and he is very aggressive. I have played with him while committed to the Top, both with the Top's permission and not.
The worst punishment I have ever received, the harshest beating of my life, was for the last time I played with X without permission.
I begged X after that to not put me in a position where I would have to say "no", to not push me for sex, that I would suffer for it.
Saying "no" might not seem so difficult to some of you, but simply the thought of saying it to a (prospective) sexual partner is enough to make me physically ill and/or send me into an anxiety attack.

Getting back to the events of yesterday. Though there were various errands I had to run, I knew X and I would be spending part of the day alone at his house, but I thought it would be OK. Obviously, it wasn't.
I'll just skip right to it. X and I were watching tv, eating and then cuddling a bit. As time progressed he became more "familiar" with me. When he'd try to kiss me I'd give him a quick peck and then shoo him away, as he was blocking the tv. This progressed to putting his hands under my clothing and trying to take my clothes off.

I said throughout this that it was wrong, he was making things difficult for me, I would have to tell the Top about this, it was against the rules, etc.

X became more aggressive and though I tried to wrench away and adjust my clothing, he had me pinned and is much stronger than I am. I'm not sure to what degree he thought I was serious, as we have done some rough stuff in the past. I bit him when he tried to kiss me and he choked me, but again, I don't know if he thought that was play or protestations.
I had hoped that my verbal and physical protests would be enough.
No, I didn't scream or try to claw his eyes out or sink my teeth into his arm. I didn't want to hurt him or cause trouble (there were others in the house). I don't care if that sounds lame or like I'm making excuses.

At a certain point I stopped protesting, physically and verbally. I went along with what he wanted, I complied, I told him the things he told me to tell him. I felt . . . I guess disassociated is the best word to describe it. Distant, small, absent. Like sub-space in some ways, but not. I masturbated to orgasm when he ordered me to. He did not use a condom but did not ejaculate inside of me.

There is a part of me that wanted what happened, that likes being given orders and treated violently, that meant the things he made me say. Like I mentioned, we've had sex before and it's never been bad or anything. There is a mutual attraction and I believe we both care about each other a great deal.
All this, combined with the fact that he repeatedly ignored or dismissed everything I said, makes me very confused and troubled.

We finished, a friend came over, continued watching tv, and then I was dropped off at the Top's. I confessed to him almost immediately what happened. I did not feel violated until I said the words aloud. I did not cry until then either. The Top was incredibly hurt, numb at first and then angry. He said he didn't know what he was going to do with me, that this wasn't an isolated incident so he couldn't take it lightly. He talked about getting me a chastity belt and expressly forbid me to spend time with X alone, no matter what, in private or public.
He said that the last beating hadn't worked obviously and it was the worst I ever had, so what could he do now? The Top related that he felt as if he had failed as a Dominant.
He did say, however, that because I had not tried to hide the truth and had told him as soon as I saw him, that he would not shave my head.

I felt a bit angry, that I was receiving so much of the blame, when I felt so violated. When I know X took advantage of me. I care about him and I believe he cares about me, that we're important to each other, but I realize that will probably sound ridiculous. At the same time, I don't think that excuses X's actions. When I protested that X had forced himself on me, the Top made a nasty comment about how rape victims don't orgasm during the rape (which is absolutely false) and that since I refused to file charges against X, it didn't count.

This afternoon the Top was angry with me for not walking to the drugstore when I woke up, when he was still asleep, and buying Plan B. Instead I spend the morning trying to figure out how much books this semester will cost and where I should buy them. I didn't even think of Plan B when I woke up. X never said one word about it, I don't think he'd pay for it-but I guess that's besides the point. Apparently I did have enough cash to buy Plan B but I didn't realize that until I counted just an hour ago. Excuses, I guess.

Today we talked further about how to punish me and the Top repeated most of what he said last night. He said he didn't know whether to release me or not, whether beating me would make him feel better or not, or what he could do to ensure that this wouldn't happen again.
Unfortunately, early in the day I had a muscle spasm or something and it is very painful for me to sit, stand, lie down, bend over, etc. The Top had to spoon-feed me breakfast (which I admit I kind of liked) and shampoo my hair for me. Thus he has not been able to beat me.

He told me he didn't know whether he loved me or not, and that really set me off. I became very upset and said I didn't want to be with someone who didn't know whether he loved me after 7 months. He then assured me that he did love me, he still wanted me, and we would get through this. I realize he might change his mind. I believe he has to take care of himself before anyone else, and though he's claimed I have made him happier than anything, I know I've also caused him a lot of hurt, on more than one occasion, and always for the same reason (X).

I want to be a good slave, his slave. There are problems I need to work on to accomplish this, particularly taking good care of his property (read: me). Being able to say "no." But I still feel like what the Top said was victim-blaming, and I still worry that the best thing for him is not to stay with me, that he will do so for various reasons, but that if he were looking at it objectively, he would leave me. I don't know whether that's my self-worth issues or not though.