Monkey Pride

(represent, yo.)

(quietly adds that to the list of things he should never say out loud)

Anyway, I need to express pride in the monkey for at least three things.

1) Taking a two-mile walk, by herself, to pick up her meds, when I was otherwise unable to and when we had a deadline.

This really impresses me, and as happens every so often, I'm afraid the monkey doesn't know how proud I am.

2) Having the guts to wear her collar through airport security.

Funny considering it hasn't set off metal detectors before. But it did this time, and she got the ultra-special wanding/screening for it.

3) Braving her family.

This one most of all. We're back "home" for a few days, and she's visiting her family. She loves them all dearly, but they're people who, to put it in therapeutic terms, haven't decided they want to be healthy yet. We've been apart for a few days, and that should end today.

I love her so much.

Fear, uncertainty, and doubt...

The monkey is out with X. You know, the guy who doesn't understand the word no, and who has repeatedly forced himself on her and that she maintains a friendship with. She's out with him alone, which was previously forbidden, but due to the short nature of the trip and the fact that "getting a group together" (i.e. anyone so they're not alone) would have been hard, I allowed her to see him, just this once.

Inside me there's a little voice that's telling me that something's going to happen once again: That she's going to fuck him, or go down on him, or something like that. Even though I've forbidden it. I feel like a terrible person for suspecting this, but I've been disappointed before.

I've worked very hard to express to the monkey that it's okay for her to express limits, and say no, and say when she can't handle something. I don't know that, if a situation came up, she'd be able to hold to those same limits with him. The bigger problem is...I feel like the monkey wants to do such things. It feels terrible to think I'm not enough (ignoring the fact that we're about to be visited by a potential Second Slavegirl).

I'm sitting in the city, at a job site. I'm ready to throw this laptop out a goddamned sixth story window.

And I'm feeling like a real jerk because I just bought her a little present near here this morning, and I'm anticipating how much she'll like it.

*headdesk*

(sighs) Per a text message, my fears were correct, I was right.

I don't know what happens next. I feel sick.