Open advice for anyone who wants it.

The monkey and I recently came across a friend looking for advice, who is new and inexperienced to the world of kink.

For various reasons, I was unable to offer it to them directly, but I put a good deal of thought into it, and it was what I feel is good generalized advice, so I'd like to offer it here.

I am "the top". I hate labels. They imply things that are not true. I think labels are often useful. I just wrote several very-long entries stating that I see people as "subs" meaning "subordinate" to me, people who would be students, who would seek to learn. I don't call myself a "Master" or a "Dominant" or "Lord Vader" or any of the other crazy titles that some people make up. I also mis-use the label "subs" to define any of:

 

• Submissives who serve me
• People who are collared, but who do not serve in any sexual or BDSM sense
• People who Just Don't Have Their Life Together, or who in a social setting consistently fall under me.

 

I only use it for the first one. I don't do the obnoxious capitalization of Me/My/Mine that some of these people do. I don't attend a week-long course at a "Master's Academy" and believe that qualifies me to dominate someone, whose loyalty and trust should be earned over time and with effort.

As occasionally happens, the problem I had in trying to offer insight and advice became an issue of the medium versus the message, the semantics versus the sentiment, and the adversity versus the advice.

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The monkey and I recently talked about this book over dinner. I remarked that I could probably write an entire counter book and call it something like "Game Over: how to rise above the meat-market mentality and find a loving life-long relationship". It apparently involves several techniques for getting women to follow you, mostly by being enigmatic and dishonest and by tearing them down. Eh, not exactly. It's about manipulation in a more general sense. Read this article to get a better idea. Keep in mind this book is not at all about S&M.

The monkey and I are in the kind of relationship that most people normally mis-associate with demeaning behavior: the kind of behavior this book advocates, where a submissive is told "you're worthless" or "you're nothing" or "you're pathetic". That's really not what the book advocates, and from speaking to others this sort of degradation is more an "in the moment" type thing. I don't even use these kinds of words to describe really anyone I care to know, submissive or not. Everything I do with the monkey is intended to nurture, to bring him up. If there's punishment, it's to remove previous wrongdoing and get on with our lives, instead of letting things linger. If there's anger, it's because that's what I'm feeling and I'm trying to be forthright in making that known so it can be fixed.

My advice-seeking friend recently confessed to us that they had had experiences being dominant with a partner in the bedroom and enjoyed it. They also professed that they felt somewhat above their partner for various reasons, and wanted to control other aspects of their behavior (such as life improvement, and reduced drug use) but were met with opposition and eventually a walking-out on.

She asked me for advice on how to explore these aspects of her personality. To be fair, it felt as though she wasn't even sure WHAT she were asking me for, and a lot of it just felt like a braindump.

She mentioned that she liked being worshiped, like a goddess. I address that specific desire individually:

Being worshiped is great for a scene. It's great for bedroom play. It's wonderful for a one-night stand. It's good for a spicy night in an otherwise vanilla relationship. That seems like a pretty big jump for a vanilla couple. There's ostensibly no shortage of submissive men willing to do this for either a short or long period of time, but IMHO, it's not healthy. Constant boot-licking will eventually get old for both parties, and it doesn't expand to the full basis of a relationship. It doesn't scale. It can't. Besides having no variety, and getting fiercely repetitive, it lacks a karmic balance in that one constantly gives, the other constantly takes, and things get out of whack. One could argue that both parties are taking something from the experience.

If you are interested in learning more about Kink, and about yourself, here's some advice:

Find a mentor. I don't think this is necessary. Learning about this takes years and years, and it's a slow journey. I feel this depends on how general the area of interest is and what the tentative goals are regarding bdsm. Find someone that can introduce you to people, and show you the ropes. I hope that wasn't an intentional pun. Who can tell you where to go for good toys (I learned on my own), and who can tell you where the good parties are assuming you are the sort of person who has interest in bdsm parties, which not all kinky people are. Who can give you the education that need to be able to play safely and be sure of yourself, but who you won't think it trying to oppress, dominate, or control you. Find someone you can sanity-check your experiences with: "Is it okay to do this or that?" or "He wanted to do X, is that even possible?" There are communities everywhere for this. Collarme, Fetlife, etc. There's clubs and groups in your area (in every area). Find one.

Read some of the blogs and books the monkey posted about earlier.

With regard to actual bedroom sex and play, assuming in all cases consenting, aware, adults:

Be open minded. Discuss things you'd like to try. If you know and have some experience with your partner at least a little, there's leeway for at least a bit of spontaneity. If in that case there's something you want to try, try it. Want to grab their hair and pull them into you? Want to give them orders? Try it, gently at first. I feel you should not spring these things on a partner out of nowhere. Even if you've been together years, if you haven't discussed the aforementioned actions, you don't know what the reaction is going to be, and it could be pretty awful. Learn your partner's cues: what he does when he likes it, and when he doesn't, and work based on those. I strongly discourage relying on perceived cues. Ask for constant feedback. If you want them not to touch you with their hands, say that. If you want them to do ONLY what you say, then say that. Get where you need to go, get your partner where he needs to go after, and enjoy the experience.

If this is a type of relationship where you'll be able to them neutrally at an "hours later" time, then open communications: Ask your partner afterward, what he thought of it, and listen to the response. (Did you like it when I did X? Was it nice when you did Y? (Or, be a "real dom," and claim that you don't care!) I suspect that's sarcastic. Tell him what you thought of it. Learn about yourself. Learn about them. The only caveat here is to be mindful of risks. If you want to try something more extreme, do your homework. Do not assume that your partner has done all the research. If someone wants you to do something that they swear up and down is safe, but that you doubt, trust your instincts. Unless you say "yes," it's rape. Your body is your own, and no matter how dominant you are, his isn't.

With regard to a relationship:

You're asking me for advice on self-discovery, and how to find someone who will meet this side of yourself. "I want to be worshipped" is not the terms of a relationship. It could be. I am in a long-term relationship, and that's where my advice would focus, so here's some of that:

Be Honest. Be open. Be loving. Be caring. Be a friend. Be a lover.

All of that transcends being a dom or a sub; transcends Kink or Vanilla, and all of it describes what I have with the monkey. It's the greatest thing in the world when you have it, and I wish everyone could have it.

Getting into a long term relationship can come on quickly, but at some point, you need to examine your needs, and the needs of a partner.

You could say "I want a car with leather seats and an Ow-ooga horn." That covers a wide range of cars, some of which run, some of which don't. Some will break down on you, some will fall apart on you. You owe it to yourself to lay out everything. I could find you a ford pinto with SOME kind of leather seats and that kind of a horn. You owe it to yourself to detail what you WANT, what you NEED, and what you'll settle for.

Just as I did in my last entry, you should do the same. Here's an example based on the monkey and I:

I expect from the monkey:

 

• Honesty, whenever possible.
• Sex on a more or less regular basis
• The ability to call you demeaning things Yeah but he does this really playfully.
• You to be able to learn your limits
• My house clean and in order The house being a studio apartment.
• For the monkey to be able to take care of himself
• For the monkey to do (school/work/etc) what he needs to be fulfilled

 

I provide for the monkey:

 

• Guidance and feedback
• A firm hand and rough sex when he wants it
• Food, shelter, clothing, books, health insurance

 

I will not abide:

 

• The monkey being involved with one abusive partner from his past
• The monkey self-harming
• Self-abusive or demeaning behavior

 

There's more, of course...and maybe one day I'll detail it all, but that covers the basic needs.

If you have a list in advance, and know what you're getting, know the parameters of the relationship you want, then, be you dom or sub, you're more prepared for it.

It feels like there's so much more I could write, but this was the advice I had prepared, so that's the gist of the post I'm making, albeit reworded.

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In closing, I apologize if this entry seemed rushed. I may have some refinements to do, but I needed to get it out so I could get on with my day. I've had a rather angry night. Luckily, I have a very good editor-monkey.