I haven't been blogging lately

Note: this entry was started december 3rd. At that time, the monkey had not yet departed for the holidays. Much else seems still time-relevant although some of it has come to resolution. Other things are more pogniant now.

I admit that in the past I've written some mean and at some points bitter things here. And I'll further admit that I haven't been blogging lately, because when I write upset things, the monkey worries about how other people will see her.

Our sex life is fairly diminished to the point of her getting me off before bed. We don't "play". Our local playspace has closed down and there's some "issues" with the other one, in the city. I feel disappointed enough in so many other times we've tried to play that have ended badly, that there's a number of things I can't be bothered to try.

She recently made friends with a couple at a coffee shop in the city, and started playing with them regularly. She did things that I wasn't okay with, and things that I would have told her "absolutely not" had I been asked about them beforehand, which I feel I should have been. But I wasn't. When she asked about "can we do knifeplay" she wasn't clear on the fact that they'd also be doing deliberate marking and scarification. They did pattern-based knifeplay that, nearly a month later, looks as though it's going to scar. She was having penetrative sex with one of then when the condom broke, and I wasn't told until a few days later, after being woken up from a dead sleep.

She continued to ask for sleepover time with them, even after sending me a text that said "Don't want anymore sleepovers for a while, too much time away from you." Even when she made plans and I told her, outright, to break them, that I needed her there tonight, she went to them. And I went for the Nyquil, because it was easier than trying to address the disappointment to someone who wasn't listening.

I told her I don't want her to see them anymore, and she hasn't, but I still feel like I've lost something. I look at the marks on her, and it feels like she's not mine, and I just see disappointment, bordering on disgust. I don't feel either she nor her new partners have been responsible people, and I feel they've done damage, both to her own body as well as in my trust and feelings for her that may never heal.

At one point, I blurted out that I think we should just break up. I stated just a few minutes later, that I was in no place to be making any decisions at that point and didn't mean it. It's crossed my mind, how things would be different, how things would be easier, how things would be harder. I dwell on those thoughts when I'm alone and out of touch with her.

She's gone back to the other coast for the holidays. I'll be alone for Christmas and New Years, and I'm dreading it already. I thought I had made my expectations and wishes clear on that front clear as well (that we'd go together, after the first of the year) but she has her emotional and familial reasons for wanting to travel now. I fear that eventually I'm either going to start suffering serious depression, or I'm going to turn into a workaholic and spend every night at my office till 5am, only sleeping when exhaustion forces me to.

The monkey recently sat and let her hair be shaved down, partially as my own assertion that she's mine, and partially as an allowance to go see her play-partners (this was before I told her not to see them anymore), and I recognize the sacrifice that that represented for her. But there's other things she could be doing, some of them so trivial: "I want you to walk to the library and return your books", "I want you to apply for some jobs online", "I want you to call your job and ask if they're keeping you on", "I want you to make another appointment with your therapist", "I want recycling to go into my car whenever I get home", "I want the sink empty of dishes every night". None of this is new.

To put a customer service spin on it, my expectations, from a variety of sources and not just the Monkey, aren't being met. I feel incomplete and unsatisfied, and I feel like I work hard and deserve more than this.

As she's at home, I suspect there are at least a couple of people she'll be sleeping with. One of them, her old Dominant (who she never really cleanly broke up with, they're "taking a break"), I am oddly okay with. Another, well, has been discussed before, and we call him "X" here. He's the one that casually forces himself on her, and she complies. More often than not without protection. And I've never been okay with any sexual interaction between them, and have made no mistake about being inexplicably clear on this.

I sent the monkey a text earlier saying "Have you done anything yet this trip that would upset me?". No answer. I wonder.

update: Yes.

As a followup to the last entry

I want to post some "life-goals" for the monkey. We've discussed some of this prior to my posting the last post.

Part of the reason for my disappointment and unmet expectations is because, in the larger scheme of things, when I think of the goals in this entry, having an entire day where "I want you to walk to the library" as the only thing I ask, be unmet is daunting. I understand chronic back pain. I understand body issues where it becomes difficult to get dressed. I understand that with even with all these meds, some days it can be DAMNED HARD to get out of the house. I don't not care, but I need improvement. I feel like you don't really understand my depression and anxiety issues.  I have trouble hearing about how I don't understand it when I don't feel you're doing all you could to help it.

That said, I think there's none of the things on this list that the monkey cannot do.

• Get medical issues paid off. (This is all me to pay, but the bills are hers, as is the credit being damaged).

• Get back to school, which will re-enable loan deferment.

• Get a job. Even a stupid 2-day a week thing, because when we go to move, 2 people with steady income is better than one person with steady income and one not. I want her to eventually have a career, but right now, just a McPaycheck is enough to rent a nicer place than what we have. I'm fine with her keeping the money. I might perhaps make her responsible for paying one utility bill as a means of establishing credit and residence, but beyond all that, hers to keep.

• Get "closure" back home. That is to say, get all things that are important to her that are there, to here. That isn't going to give me closure. I'm not going to get closure here. It's not a closure situation. This is why I put it in quotes.  I mean more of a "logistic" closure with regard to the "what happens to my stuff if my mom moves" situation.

• Improve her relationship with her girlfriend. The distance is making it strained, and they care very much for each other, and in the absence of her girlfriend's affection, I am not happy what the void has been filled with. By "improve" I mean either "see regularly, and pay the expense" or "the girlfriend returns". I don't talk much about this here, because the journal is supposed to be about us, not about girlfriends. In summary, I want her to have regular time with the girl, wherever the girl is, and when those occur I want it to be fun and relaxed, not harried with a mess in the wake.

• I want her wisdom teeth out by mid-year, or at least have the process started.

• I want her to get a consult for a breast reduction, by mid-year. I want her to make an informed decision once she does so. I wonder at times if it mightn't be easier to get a full (ftm-style) reduction; wonder which would help with the body dysmorphia issues. I don't want complete removal. I just want my back to be less fucked up.   And there are varying degrees of "less".

• I want her back to seeing her therapist regularly.

• I want the monkey to have her driver's license. This will likely mean calling a company for a lesson and a loaner car (my car is large and unwieldly, suboptimal for a road test).

• I want her to be organized and free from clutter and crap. It's already proven to be somewhat of a problem when needing to find important papers. She has the ability to control it, moving forward. I want her to know the procedures I do of making an hour a week to simply clear away the clutter so you can come back clean to a thing. I'm a packrat. I have a lot of stuff. I've been this way my entire life. That's not an excuse. Just tough habits to break.  Okay, so I want you to make progress in that direction.  I have...some ideas for better use of tools.

---

My own desires for myself:

• I want to be completely out of debt and (student loans aside) want the same for the monkey.

• I want a two-bedroom apartment, which will rent for a little more than the STUDIO we're paying for now. This will give us an extra room for work, and guests, and for her family to visit, and for her to do her crafting in.

• I want to improve my credit, by buying a car. I want to give this car to the monkey for the monkey to use. The monkey does not LIKE the car I want to buy, but I don't care. The car in question is a Smart. She has expressed her dislike, and I have told her that she is welcome to buy her own car, but this one's free. So there.

• I want to be de-stressed enough that I'm able to fit in more exercise, and start dropping this tonnage before it kills me.

• I want to fix the three "shortcomings" I put on my cover letter when I send out a resume.

• I want a $3000 per-person safety buffer, in the bank collecting shitty amounts of federal interest and otherwise untouched and not tied to a debit card.

• I want to take road trips to interesting places, and have fun doing so. I used to do this. What the hell happened?

• I want to do a cross-country train ride. (This may in fact coincide with buying her a car on the other coast, and driving back).

• I want anyone else we have in our life, or at least anyone else who wants to wear a collar for me, have an equally clear path forward on thing like this.

• I want to get a vasectomy so I can use my monkey any time I like. For various reasons, various types of protection do not work for us.

• I want what I have back on the other coast moved here. Sorry for the intentional vague.

• I want us to have a place that doesn't clutter so easily. We share a closet and two drawers right now to hold all the clothing for two people, and it's suboptimal. (Given my druthers, perhaps she'd just wear spandex everyday, which compresses well for storage). That is the next phase of my life, and it requires efforts on her part that I cannot do, in order to get to that point.

---

I have a similar set of goals for another pet I have, but that's a different journal. Perhaps I'll post that on fetlife.