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Apr. 18th, 2008 04:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
topthemonkeyI recently told the Top, in one of my more candid and less considerate moments, that I felt like a whore, a prostitute. He was understandably hurt by this. This is what I meant.
I stay here and live with the Top for free. He pays for my shelter, food, clothing, amenities, and other things I don't even need, like books. I don't work at all. And yes, I do various chores around the house, and yes, I'm a full-time student and yes, it's his job to take care of me. But I still feel like I'm repaying him with sexual favors, that I owe him sex because of everything he does for me.
This issue isn't new. It goes back to when I was 15. The first boy I was sexual with, I felt like I owed him for giving me his time and attention. And what did he want? Well, obviously, he wanted what all males wanted-sex.
Of course, years later I realized that I didn't "owe" people for giving me time and attention and that not all males wanted sex all the time and that this exchange idea was kind of fucked-up. But it's been a really hard lesson to un-learn.
And I feel like this even more so, when it's things like rent and utilities.
I stay here and live with the Top for free. He pays for my shelter, food, clothing, amenities, and other things I don't even need, like books. I don't work at all. And yes, I do various chores around the house, and yes, I'm a full-time student and yes, it's his job to take care of me. But I still feel like I'm repaying him with sexual favors, that I owe him sex because of everything he does for me.
This issue isn't new. It goes back to when I was 15. The first boy I was sexual with, I felt like I owed him for giving me his time and attention. And what did he want? Well, obviously, he wanted what all males wanted-sex.
Of course, years later I realized that I didn't "owe" people for giving me time and attention and that not all males wanted sex all the time and that this exchange idea was kind of fucked-up. But it's been a really hard lesson to un-learn.
And I feel like this even more so, when it's things like rent and utilities.
