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when punishments are triggering
Aug. 7th, 2008 05:39 pmTwo weeks ago I had an appointment with my psychiatrist that I completely forgot about. He had not made a reminder call and I slept through the appointment.
The next day he called the Top, who was very displeased. He said it was all right though. It wasn't the end of the world or anything. I was given no indication that I would be punished.
The next time I had therapy I discussed this, related how even though it wasn't a big mistake, it made me feel so utterly worthless and I was trying to reassure myself and get past that feeling.
Fast forward to early this week when I saw my psychiatrist at the make-up appointment I had scheduled.
I (read: the Top) had to pay for both appointments, this one and the one I missed. He was very displeased. I was distraught. I thought the stress related to the missed visit was over. I had felt so guilty, but punishment had not been deemed necessary and I was trying to find closure. It was behind me. Now, suddenly, it felt as if all my guilt were justified.
When we got home, I was very anxious. The Top tried to talk to me about this, and it was clear we were leading up to a punishment.
I was starting to lose it and lunged at him at one point, but managed to stop myself from doing anything to hurt either of us.
I told him that I needed to take one of my immediate-calm-down drugs and take a nap (I was exhausted). He said no, basically.
I was very upset that he would deny me the medication that I had been prescribed for moments like these.
I lashed out at him verbally, said a lot of very rude, disrespectful and downright nasty things. He asked me if I trusted him and I said yes. He bent me over the couch and I called red. I almost never call red. But I was slipping, and just the act of bending me over was starting to push me towards the deep end.
The Top was not pleased. He went to work very upset with me. I went upstairs, took my medication and took a nap. Later he came home and went to bed, at which point I woke up, did some chores and then went back to bed.
We didn't really talk about what had happened until the next day, yesterday. I apologized for what I had done and he administered some very light spankings to my bare bottom as punishment.
It wasn't until last night that he understood why I had been so upset: in my mind, I was trying to move forward, the issue was resolved two weeks ago and now suddenly I was being punished for it, now that the Top had found out he had to pay for my missed appointment.
Bottoms/subs/slaves need punishments to be administered as soon after the event as possible. I really can't stress that enough.
The Top wants me, when I am in that teetering on the edge of sanity sort of mindset, to try and channel that energy into submission. To let him know what's going on inside my head by kneeling and begging, rather than being physically and verbally violent. I'm going to try. I don't anticipate it being easy.
The next day he called the Top, who was very displeased. He said it was all right though. It wasn't the end of the world or anything. I was given no indication that I would be punished.
The next time I had therapy I discussed this, related how even though it wasn't a big mistake, it made me feel so utterly worthless and I was trying to reassure myself and get past that feeling.
Fast forward to early this week when I saw my psychiatrist at the make-up appointment I had scheduled.
I (read: the Top) had to pay for both appointments, this one and the one I missed. He was very displeased. I was distraught. I thought the stress related to the missed visit was over. I had felt so guilty, but punishment had not been deemed necessary and I was trying to find closure. It was behind me. Now, suddenly, it felt as if all my guilt were justified.
When we got home, I was very anxious. The Top tried to talk to me about this, and it was clear we were leading up to a punishment.
I was starting to lose it and lunged at him at one point, but managed to stop myself from doing anything to hurt either of us.
I told him that I needed to take one of my immediate-calm-down drugs and take a nap (I was exhausted). He said no, basically.
I was very upset that he would deny me the medication that I had been prescribed for moments like these.
I lashed out at him verbally, said a lot of very rude, disrespectful and downright nasty things. He asked me if I trusted him and I said yes. He bent me over the couch and I called red. I almost never call red. But I was slipping, and just the act of bending me over was starting to push me towards the deep end.
The Top was not pleased. He went to work very upset with me. I went upstairs, took my medication and took a nap. Later he came home and went to bed, at which point I woke up, did some chores and then went back to bed.
We didn't really talk about what had happened until the next day, yesterday. I apologized for what I had done and he administered some very light spankings to my bare bottom as punishment.
It wasn't until last night that he understood why I had been so upset: in my mind, I was trying to move forward, the issue was resolved two weeks ago and now suddenly I was being punished for it, now that the Top had found out he had to pay for my missed appointment.
Bottoms/subs/slaves need punishments to be administered as soon after the event as possible. I really can't stress that enough.
The Top wants me, when I am in that teetering on the edge of sanity sort of mindset, to try and channel that energy into submission. To let him know what's going on inside my head by kneeling and begging, rather than being physically and verbally violent. I'm going to try. I don't anticipate it being easy.
