cathartic flogging
Feb. 8th, 2008 12:30 pmThe Top has been requesting for several days that I write an entry on recent events concerning flogging. I've started this entry many times, both in lj and in my notebook. There were a lot of aspects for me to process. This is an explanation of what a cathartic flogging is, as I imagine the term is new to many people reading this. I didn't really know either, though I had an instinctive idea of what it involved. There have been times, two years ago, when I was flogged and experienced a catharsis because of it.
The Master we're staying with was beating me with various devices and cathartic flogging came up. I agreed to do it. The Master explained to me that it was going to be an intense, spiritual experience and that we (both myself and the Top) had to trust him. I trust perhaps too easily, but I do not feel it is misplaced in him (the Master). He said he wouldn't let me down and he didn't.
I was facing the closet door with my feet flat on the floor and suspension cuffs holding me up. He (the Master we're staying with) had his slave put on music and he began to beat me with a long, heavy leather flogger.
The Top was watching, I know, though I couldn't see him. I knew this was going to be difficult for him, though in a different way than it was going to be difficult for me.
The Master explained that there was no "yellow" here only "red". He was going to keep flogging me until I had reached catharsis. He gave me a mantra to think and/or say. I don't remember exactly but it was that I wanted to go there (there being catharsis), I wanted him to take me there. He said throughout that I was in a safe place and it was safe to let go.
The beating lasted what felt like a long time. I had a lot of difficulty with the whole "letting go" part of it (what a shock). I hold a lot of pain in my body, a lot of trauma. It hurts less to hold it than to let it out. But with the cathartic flogging, I didn't really have a choice, which is part of why I wanted to do it.
The Master said that I fought him throughout it, which I recall. I struggled to maintain my grip on the cuffs (though they would hold me up fine even if I didn't) and to stay standing, even as I sobbed harder and slid farther down.
There are a lot of things that could have arisen during the flogging, but what came out was my father. Again, such a shock. I have a lot of trouble with issues surrounding my father because I feel like to let go would be to let him go.
But with the flogging, I didn't have much choice. The Master was going to keep going until I broke. Which, finally, I did. When I fell to my knees he pressed the panic snaps. The Top was there immediately, helping me to lie (lay?) down on my side. I was still crying. I couldn't sit up to drink but I needed water so the Top soaked a washcloth with my water bottle and let me suck on it. This was repeated until someone thought to wrap ice in the washcloth and have me suck on that. Sucking . . . is a primal, natural, comforting thing for me. That and the water helped a lot.
The Master's slave (and possibly the Master?) took off my cuffs and the slave rubbed my feet a bit and then petted my hair. I cried on and off, feeling weak and helpless and drained. I said that I wanted my Daddy, that he didn't love me anymore, that I couldn't lose him, over and over. The Top said what comforting things he could. It was strange to be having such a vulnerable moment in front of two near-strangers and not be at all self-conscious. Strange, but good.
When I finally stopped crying, we talked about what had happened, how I felt, etc. I didn't feel as "cleansed" and "light" as I expected to but I felt very relaxed. I think this is due to the fact that I have a lot of shit to get out, and that was only part of it. My upper back looks like I have a lot of purple freckles and the skin beneath my neck especially is rather tough.
I'm thankful to all those involved, whether they're reading this or not. I wouldn't want to repeat the experience every day, but I can see doing it at least once a month.
The Master we're staying with was beating me with various devices and cathartic flogging came up. I agreed to do it. The Master explained to me that it was going to be an intense, spiritual experience and that we (both myself and the Top) had to trust him. I trust perhaps too easily, but I do not feel it is misplaced in him (the Master). He said he wouldn't let me down and he didn't.
I was facing the closet door with my feet flat on the floor and suspension cuffs holding me up. He (the Master we're staying with) had his slave put on music and he began to beat me with a long, heavy leather flogger.
The Top was watching, I know, though I couldn't see him. I knew this was going to be difficult for him, though in a different way than it was going to be difficult for me.
The Master explained that there was no "yellow" here only "red". He was going to keep flogging me until I had reached catharsis. He gave me a mantra to think and/or say. I don't remember exactly but it was that I wanted to go there (there being catharsis), I wanted him to take me there. He said throughout that I was in a safe place and it was safe to let go.
The beating lasted what felt like a long time. I had a lot of difficulty with the whole "letting go" part of it (what a shock). I hold a lot of pain in my body, a lot of trauma. It hurts less to hold it than to let it out. But with the cathartic flogging, I didn't really have a choice, which is part of why I wanted to do it.
The Master said that I fought him throughout it, which I recall. I struggled to maintain my grip on the cuffs (though they would hold me up fine even if I didn't) and to stay standing, even as I sobbed harder and slid farther down.
There are a lot of things that could have arisen during the flogging, but what came out was my father. Again, such a shock. I have a lot of trouble with issues surrounding my father because I feel like to let go would be to let him go.
But with the flogging, I didn't have much choice. The Master was going to keep going until I broke. Which, finally, I did. When I fell to my knees he pressed the panic snaps. The Top was there immediately, helping me to lie (lay?) down on my side. I was still crying. I couldn't sit up to drink but I needed water so the Top soaked a washcloth with my water bottle and let me suck on it. This was repeated until someone thought to wrap ice in the washcloth and have me suck on that. Sucking . . . is a primal, natural, comforting thing for me. That and the water helped a lot.
The Master's slave (and possibly the Master?) took off my cuffs and the slave rubbed my feet a bit and then petted my hair. I cried on and off, feeling weak and helpless and drained. I said that I wanted my Daddy, that he didn't love me anymore, that I couldn't lose him, over and over. The Top said what comforting things he could. It was strange to be having such a vulnerable moment in front of two near-strangers and not be at all self-conscious. Strange, but good.
When I finally stopped crying, we talked about what had happened, how I felt, etc. I didn't feel as "cleansed" and "light" as I expected to but I felt very relaxed. I think this is due to the fact that I have a lot of shit to get out, and that was only part of it. My upper back looks like I have a lot of purple freckles and the skin beneath my neck especially is rather tough.
I'm thankful to all those involved, whether they're reading this or not. I wouldn't want to repeat the experience every day, but I can see doing it at least once a month.