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Nov. 12th, 2008 09:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
topthemonkeyThe Top has been, well, topping a young female submissive for months now, online. Because of distance, along with a few other issues, they have been unable to meet. He very much wants to bring her here for a visit and perhaps (probably?) to stay, as he believes they will "click" just as well in real life. She would not serve me, as I would be very uncomfortable with that, but would be more of a sister in service, I suppose (rockin' the alliteration).
I admit I was somewhat put out when I first found out about their relationship, primarily because the Top had not been entirely honest with me. He won't collar her or talk about contracts or any of that (to the best of my knowledge) until they are in person. But that certainly doesn't mean that there isn't something substantial there, because I know there is. I felt immeasurably more comfortable with their relationship once he admitted that to me.
I'm also a little jealous that they connect in ways he and I never will; in some respects our brains just work differently and we aren't passionate about all of the same things. I can learn about his interests but they don't excite me to the degree that my own passions do. But I also recognize that this jealousy is irrational, as the Top knew who I was when he collared me and having another (romantic/sexual) partner, one who shares more of his intellectual pursuits, will not cause him to abandon me. I mean, that's one of the great things about polyamory, isn't it? I think so, anyway.
The Top has made it abundantly clear that he wishes myself and this new girl to be sexual together. This is nothing new, the Top has always enjoyed watching me be with a woman. I was sexual with TMOTH's slave, and I do sorely miss being with women. If he tells me to be with her, then I will. If he tells her to be with me, I've no doubt she will. I'm fairly skillful and I'm sure I can give her a great deal of pleasure. So far as compatability-the new girl and I have talked online and read each other's personal journals; we seem to get along well and share some key interests. I have very little idea what she looks like, but that matters to me far less than intellectual and emotional connections, anyway.
Part of me is nervous that we won't get along and another part of me is nervous that we'll get along too well. If the former occurs, there's a good chance I'll be resentful of her presence. If the latter occurs, there's a good chance I'll be resentful of the Top's control over her. Obviously, I'm looking at this from a lose/lose perspective, one in which there is no possible positive outcome (as is my perverse, obstinately pesimisstic nature) and it's all hypothetical anyway.
But then there's a part of me that thinks, what if it all works out for the best? And that scares me most of all.
I admit I was somewhat put out when I first found out about their relationship, primarily because the Top had not been entirely honest with me. He won't collar her or talk about contracts or any of that (to the best of my knowledge) until they are in person. But that certainly doesn't mean that there isn't something substantial there, because I know there is. I felt immeasurably more comfortable with their relationship once he admitted that to me.
I'm also a little jealous that they connect in ways he and I never will; in some respects our brains just work differently and we aren't passionate about all of the same things. I can learn about his interests but they don't excite me to the degree that my own passions do. But I also recognize that this jealousy is irrational, as the Top knew who I was when he collared me and having another (romantic/sexual) partner, one who shares more of his intellectual pursuits, will not cause him to abandon me. I mean, that's one of the great things about polyamory, isn't it? I think so, anyway.
The Top has made it abundantly clear that he wishes myself and this new girl to be sexual together. This is nothing new, the Top has always enjoyed watching me be with a woman. I was sexual with TMOTH's slave, and I do sorely miss being with women. If he tells me to be with her, then I will. If he tells her to be with me, I've no doubt she will. I'm fairly skillful and I'm sure I can give her a great deal of pleasure. So far as compatability-the new girl and I have talked online and read each other's personal journals; we seem to get along well and share some key interests. I have very little idea what she looks like, but that matters to me far less than intellectual and emotional connections, anyway.
Part of me is nervous that we won't get along and another part of me is nervous that we'll get along too well. If the former occurs, there's a good chance I'll be resentful of her presence. If the latter occurs, there's a good chance I'll be resentful of the Top's control over her. Obviously, I'm looking at this from a lose/lose perspective, one in which there is no possible positive outcome (as is my perverse, obstinately pesimisstic nature) and it's all hypothetical anyway.
But then there's a part of me that thinks, what if it all works out for the best? And that scares me most of all.
