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Aug. 29th, 2008 02:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
topthemonkeyI have a problem that I think is pretty common to submissives/slaves - never thinking you're good enough.
Not that you're not good enough for your Dom(me), it's not about feeling unworthy. It's about always feeling like you could be doing more, better. Like what you do is never enough.
"If I were a better slave, xyz would be easy for me."
"xyz" in my case tends to refer to a few specific duties.
Anything that involves the Top's semen and my mouth, particularly swallowing; shaving, particularly my genitalia; forgiving myself after the Top has forgiven me for an infraction . . . I guess those are the biggest ones. Sometimes my uniform, not wanting to wear it at all.
Two days ago I shaved my genitalia. The Top did not ask me to. He had not said anything on the matter. But my pubic hair was getting (what he considers to be) long and I knew, a)once he noticed he would say something, b) that it would please him, and c) it was what he expected from a good slaveboy. And I really do try to be a good slaveboy.
Yesterday I was beating myself up (mentally, emotionally) for not being good enough. I thought, I would be happy to do xyz for my Top if I were a better slave.
But then I thought, maybe it means more that I do these things for him that are often hard for me, things I would not do if he didn't tell me to.
If these tasks were easy, if they were things I would do anyway, that I liked doing, how much signifcance would there be to my doing them for the Top?
Not that you're not good enough for your Dom(me), it's not about feeling unworthy. It's about always feeling like you could be doing more, better. Like what you do is never enough.
"If I were a better slave, xyz would be easy for me."
"xyz" in my case tends to refer to a few specific duties.
Anything that involves the Top's semen and my mouth, particularly swallowing; shaving, particularly my genitalia; forgiving myself after the Top has forgiven me for an infraction . . . I guess those are the biggest ones. Sometimes my uniform, not wanting to wear it at all.
Two days ago I shaved my genitalia. The Top did not ask me to. He had not said anything on the matter. But my pubic hair was getting (what he considers to be) long and I knew, a)once he noticed he would say something, b) that it would please him, and c) it was what he expected from a good slaveboy. And I really do try to be a good slaveboy.
Yesterday I was beating myself up (mentally, emotionally) for not being good enough. I thought, I would be happy to do xyz for my Top if I were a better slave.
But then I thought, maybe it means more that I do these things for him that are often hard for me, things I would not do if he didn't tell me to.
If these tasks were easy, if they were things I would do anyway, that I liked doing, how much signifcance would there be to my doing them for the Top?
