on orgasms and stressful sex
Aug. 18th, 2009 10:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
topthemonkeySex can be so frustrating.
Sometimes, it's really difficult for me to reach orgasm. I've grown to accept this over the years. I can be stimulated, not reach orgasm, and still enjoy myself. I can even try to reach orgasm and not, and still enjoy myself. I often feel guilty when that happens, though. My partners are overwhelmingly male and they overwhelmingly take my not orgasming as a sign that they've done something wrong, they've failed in some way, everything leading up to that was wasted, etc. And sometimes they project all that insecurity onto me, and blame me for it.
Often pain and pleasure are conflated for me. One slight adjustment of the nipple clamps (or any slight physical adjustment) and the pain can become more than I want at that time. I'm usually pretty okay with that. If you want me to orgasm, however, that's going to take me a few steps back. My pain tolerance fluctuates, even moment to moment, as does my desire for pain. It can be frustrating for any and all involved parties, but really only if all the emphasis is on my achieving orgasm.
People put a lot of emphasis on the finish line. It's really not about that for me. It's stressful when my partner makes it all about the finish. Is someone tired, thirsty, hungry, getting a cramp? We can stop. It's not a marathon. You're allowed to take breaks. You're allowed to stop altogether.
You know what makes for a good "performance"? Being giving. Allowing yourself to receive. Not taking it too seriously. I'm not saying orgasms aren't good. I like having them. I like having a lot of them. I'm not saying they should be completely incidental. But they're also not the be-all end-all of sex.
Sometimes, it's really difficult for me to reach orgasm. I've grown to accept this over the years. I can be stimulated, not reach orgasm, and still enjoy myself. I can even try to reach orgasm and not, and still enjoy myself. I often feel guilty when that happens, though. My partners are overwhelmingly male and they overwhelmingly take my not orgasming as a sign that they've done something wrong, they've failed in some way, everything leading up to that was wasted, etc. And sometimes they project all that insecurity onto me, and blame me for it.
Often pain and pleasure are conflated for me. One slight adjustment of the nipple clamps (or any slight physical adjustment) and the pain can become more than I want at that time. I'm usually pretty okay with that. If you want me to orgasm, however, that's going to take me a few steps back. My pain tolerance fluctuates, even moment to moment, as does my desire for pain. It can be frustrating for any and all involved parties, but really only if all the emphasis is on my achieving orgasm.
People put a lot of emphasis on the finish line. It's really not about that for me. It's stressful when my partner makes it all about the finish. Is someone tired, thirsty, hungry, getting a cramp? We can stop. It's not a marathon. You're allowed to take breaks. You're allowed to stop altogether.
You know what makes for a good "performance"? Being giving. Allowing yourself to receive. Not taking it too seriously. I'm not saying orgasms aren't good. I like having them. I like having a lot of them. I'm not saying they should be completely incidental. But they're also not the be-all end-all of sex.
