topthemonkey

The Top asked me to write an entry concerning the events of today. Often I think that this journal exists as much for us, so we can each read how the other processed and remembered things, as it is for you, the readers.

(The top also comments in italic)

While he was doing work on his computer, I was on his laptop. The router has been moved out of his room though, so I lost the wireless signal. I didn't have any books with me. I did something that may have been rude, but I had done it before with no reprimand; I poked around in his files. I don't care about finding porn or anything like that. But I did find two things which really upset me. One was a short erotic story in which an owned submissive had the Top's nickname, too distinct to be coincidence. The other was a detailed list of expectations he, as a submissive, had of a mistress. That was what really got to me.

I've known since the day we met that the Top was a switch. I've known as long that he's done heavy play as a submissive, probably as or more heavy than what he's done as a Dom. I've never been fully comfortable with this, much to my shame. In the beginning especially I would compare myself to what I imagined him to be like as a slave, based on things he had told me. Inevitably I found myself wanting. I was often insecure that he had submissive needs I was not satisfying. This was furthered when I found out he had occasionally been submissive with a previous significant other, a relationship I had previously thought was one way.

I'm not sorry he has shared these things with me, and he isn't either. I would rather know and deal than be purposely kept in the dark. The Top thinks that I think these parts of his history make me question his ability to top me. And that's part of it, but it's more about my worrying that he does dominant things and suppresses submissive urges to please me and make our relationship work.

(I also believe, Monkey, that I feel it causes you to think I am judging yourself by my standards, which is never fair...for example, that you would feel bad about not being able to swallow, when I felt I could...or that the concept of "I won't hit you harder than I myself could take" turns around and makes you feel inadequate, and lesser.)

When I found the mistress expectations I curled up into a ball and sulked and cried. I repeatedly refused to tell him what was wrong. Only after making me strip naked, sit in the corner facing the wall, and repeatedly asking me did I confess. At one point during this I asked bitterly if this is what he would want done to him, as a submissive.

(That almost got you a belt across your back, boy.)

We talked it out and I said some things that I hadn't realized previously. Namely, that a large part of this insecurity comes from inability, or unwillingness, to comprehend that somebody could want, independent of me, the same things I want. That our needs match, that the other party isn't acting simply to please me. This negative, self-loathing thought process happens a lot with me when it comes to receiving oral sex.

The Top said that more than anything he was hurt it took so much for me to explain it to him, that I need to be readily honest and open because a D/s relationship, even more so than vanilla ones, necessitates good communication. He gave me several strokes with the rod for punishment, letting me maintain physical contact during and holding me after, telling me I was a good boy.
He also told me he was going to shave my head, gave me a chance to beg out of it, but ultimately got the electric shaving kit. The purpose behind this was that, while being bitter in the corner, I had said that I didn't feel like his slave. Shaving my head was to remedy this. I begged and cried but he didn't relent. I contemplated calling "yellow" but didn't feel the situation warranted it. Thankfully he only buzzed a little at the nape of my neck. I was ordered to shave my sex however, which I did later when we showered.

After the shaving and before the shower we had sex. I was wearing my ball gag (which in some ways I actually prefer to the bulb gag), small (comparatively) butt plug and nipple clamps. I rubbed my clit while he fucked me and came with him inside me. He pulled out and came on my face which was, as always, lovely.

(You left out that you made a motion, trying to tighten your own clamps, and that I immediately slapped you across the face and told you that those were not for your hands, and were off-limits. That felt right.)

Now I'm with my parents. I am going away for approximately a week, so the Top put my pet collar on. I am not to take it off unless airport security asks me to (or presumably I have to go to the hospital and get an MRI, things like that). Serious players often scoff at such collars and furries often ascribe them a less D/s meaning. But it simply makes me feel loved, wanted, taken care of . . . owned.

There was some discussion of having me pierced before I left. Ultimately, for a variety of reasons, this did not happen. I know the Top likes piercings as ownership marks and I have mixed feelings about this. In the Mistress expectations document I read, he said he would get a piercing for his Domme.

I just have to listen when he says I am fulfilling his needs and desires and deal with my insecurities. The Top has said he hasn't had any real submissive desires since we got together and I have no reason to doubt his word.

I had been questioning my willingness to go with him when he moves out of state but right now, if he clipped a leash to my collar, I'd follow him to Borneo.