topthemonkey

The Top put my collar back on two nights ago, after shaving the underside of my head, to above my ears. I made it clear that a haircut was not something I wanted. He made it clear that he would feel far more at peace with our relationship if he cut my hair. I did what slaves are supposed to do; I made the sacrifice. I did what I was told. I submitted. I put him first.

I have a deep emotional attachment to my hair, and sobbed on and off for hours after he cut it. He was so happy, so proud. I was not and made no pretense. I know I'll get over it. Hair grows.

Yesterday I was still sad about it. He kept asking me what was wrong, what he could do to help. This is an area of our relationship that I'd imagine causes him inner conflict. He wants me to do what he wants; more than that, he wants me to want to do what he wants. That's not always going to be the case.


Sleepovers with my girlfriend have been put on hiatus indefinitely, since shortly after he wrote that last entry. We've been doing day trips during the week, and that's worked out well. There have been times he has been particularly pleased with me (after sucking him off, for example) and offered to let me have a night with my girlfriend. I don't think he's ready for it, I don't think he makes that offer after putting genuine thought into it, so I've said no. I don't want it to be a reward, I want it to be something he is actually comfortable with.

I want to reinforce/reestablish our relationship, as does the Top. Putting my collar back on and cutting my hair helped with this a lot. But those aren't things that can be done on a constant basis. I think we need to spend more "quality time" together. The problem is, the Top and I have differing opinions on what constitutes "quality time." He counts anything that involves us being in the same vicinity. I do not count errands or times when he is at the desk and I am on the couch and we are both on our computers. Cuddling, bedtime story time, going out to eat where it's just the two of us, geocaching, taking day trips - these I think of as "quality time."

We have reinstituted bedtime story time (reading a chapter a night of Bunnicula: A Rabbit-Tale of Mystery by Deborah and James Howe, I think/hope we're going to go through all 7 books) which has helped.
I have been sleeping naked, which I know he prefers, though it makes me uncomfortable (body issues).

Since the hit and run incident I've been feeling rather drained emotionally. My physical resources are going towards healing my body and that also lowers my emotional resources.

I do the vast majority of housework. I have no issues doing this. The problem comes when I'm physically unable to do housework. Then the Top does it, it goes undone, or I eventually just push myself to do it. The Top isn't used to doing housework, so it's not something he does automatically. I hate asking him to do anything. He pointed out that he often has to ask me more than once to do something (I am admittedly forgetful) so why shouldn't I do the same? Because it pains me. Because I have to force myself to ask him to do anything for me at all. Because it feels selfish and just plain wrong.

Neither the Top nor myself likes having a messy living space. We both have our breaking points, the degree of chaos we can tolerate before we jump in and just start manically taking care of things. I reached that point this morning. Similar things have happened before; I am unable to do housework, the Top says he'll do something, time passes and he doesn't, I get sick of it and do it myself, he gets upset with me for doing so. For me, breaking points often involve screaming and/or violence, generally towards myself. This time I screamed.

The Top hates it when I scream. It makes him want to hit me, scream back, tell me to shut up. It makes him feel like I'm a child, that I'm incapable of handling my problems. Then I get upset because after 2.5 years of being together, I would think that he'd have adapted somewhat to this. But then, I've seriously regressed emotionally in the past year or so. We've discussed this. He knows I've become less mature, capable, independent, largely because of our relationship. These are characteristics he has cultivated in me, characteristics that make him think less than of me. He has expressed astonishment when I have told him that there have been times in my life I have worked full-time, paid my own bills, exercised regularly.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I know I'm not doing something he approves of, or wants for me. I feel like I can't come out ahead. I feel like I'm in the wrong no matter what.

Most days I think of my relationship with the Top as a partnership. He wants input, he wants to know how I'm feeling, and he genuinely does take my thoughts and feelings into consideration. When someone says that I'm not a *real* slave because of this, I point out that it is his prerogative to do what he likes. And it is.

Most days I think of my relationship with the Top as a partnership.

Most days.

Some days, I am reminded that I, as he puts it, "wear the jingly ring of do-what-I-tell-you." He says it playfully but the reality is not always playful. Sometimes being a slave means more than doing all the chores and bending over for a spanking. Sometimes it means facing up to the fact that my life is not my own anymore. And sometimes, that's a rough realization. I may be afforded the semblance of freedom at times, but I am far from free.

Please do not misunderstand. I do not want to give this up. It's just . . . it's not always easy or simple or what I expected.

The Top and I both belong to a bdsm social networking site. I'm far more active on it than he is, though that's not saying much. Often finances and employment come up in discussion. The Dom(me) out of work and depressed, for example.

I feel kind of guilty when I see those threads.

The Top has a job he loves that pays well. If something were to happen and he lost that job (though I honestly can't fathom what would cause this), he has the skills, experience, and references to get another job in the same pay grade immediately. Plus there is at least one company that's still after him, even though he rejected them.
I got a job but we don't need it to survive. It's for me to buy comics and shoes, pretty much.

I don't know anybody who has NO money issues, but ours are very limited. It's not like I go shopping at Bloomingdale's every weekend or something but I never doubt that we'll have a comfortable place to live, more than enough to eat, excellent insurance.

Sometimes I wonder how much more difficult my service would be were this not the case. "Significantly" is my guess.

I'm really lucky and I know it.

I've seen quite a few articles recently on facials. For those of you who don't know (I try not to make assumptions) and don't feel like clicking on the link, a facial involves a man ejaculating onto someone else's face. This practice is extremely popular in mainstream, heterosexual porn. Anti-porn people deride the facial as degrading, normalizing the humiliation of women. I think the reason facials show up so often in porn is manifold. It is proof that the man actually did climax, a viceral indication. I've heard it's safer than ejaculating in an orifice, less likely to transmit diseases, but I'm not sure about that.

I think the danger, as with any pornography, comes when consumers cannot distinguish between fantasy and reality. I have known many stupid young men who form their ideas of what sex should look like from mainstream porn. No, you didn't see him put the lube on her anus, but trust me, it's there. All women do not shave their genitalia. That said, I think porn can give people ideas they might like to try out themselves, and I don't see why facials couldn't be one of those ideas.

Violet Blue's "this week’s SF Chronicle column: sperm facials in high-end NYC salons" wherein she links to the article she wrote. The only reason I'm linking to her blog post about the article is because of that great picture, which I used for my icon. The actual article is here: The Skinny on Spermine: Not Exactly Snake Oil. Violet Blue: Straight guys getting sperm facials "for science." In my experience, sperm is a great moisturizer, so this makes sense. However, the substance Spermine does not contain actual sperm. How misleading. The article she refers to in the title is "Spermboarded" by Marty Beckerman. I wasn't entirely comfortable with Beckerman's article. I felt it was a bit, ew, sperm! I'm a man and there's sperm on my face! tehehe.


On to the more controversial articles. Many of them references each other, so I'm posting them in chronological order.

Facials: Are They Demeaning? by Jessica Wakeman Wakeman's answer: not inherently. I concur.


Semen Facials Are Like Weddings by Amanda Hess
The last paragraph sums Hess' article up very well: See, facials are like weddings. We all know that the institution of marriage is one of the patriarchy’s all-time greatest hits, in which women are sold into sexual slavery from father to husband in exchange for livestock. And yet, who derives the greatest joy from weddings? Women! It’s the craziest thing. . . even though we all know it’s sexist as fuck, weddings—like facial ejaculation—still make some people happy. And feminists deserve to be happy, too. But that doesn’t mean we should forget about the sexist tropes that sometimes inform our happiness (and our sex lives).

I think Hess grossly oversimplifies the debate over facials. Facials can make people happy, EVEN feminists, but watch out for that patriarchal influence! In other words, do what you want but it's worth thinking about why you want it.


HOW INTERNET PORN IS CHANGING TEEN SEX: Forget awkward fumblings in the back of the bus. Junior's thinking more along the lines of reverse-cowgirl anal
I am irked that the writer makes references to studies zie does not directly cite (e.g. Pornypornporn in The Journal of Porn December 2008) so there's no real why the reader can verify the information besides trying to Google key words.
Considering the standard climax to even the most vanilla hard-core scene today, that means there is an entire generation of young people who think sex ends with a money shot to the face.
I've not personally met any of these people, but that's not to say they don't exist. Still, I found this article a little too big on the generalizations.


I Blame Porn by BeckySharper
Now, I'm not going to tell anyone that their kinks are wrong. (Except she's totally about to.) . . .If you like having dudes come on your face or you like being completely hairless, that's your perogative. But let's not deceive ourselves, these behaviors are strictly porn-inspired. They were not mainstream until recently, and it's perfectly clear that they are tied directly to the rise of DVD and internet porn. If a 22 year old woman likes them, chances are it's because she's been told--by her peers, by the porn industry, by clueless dudes who consume too much porn--that these are the things she should like.
Perhaps this is because I'm 25 and not 22, but I really don't think my fondness for facials is because my peers, male lovers, and porn have told me I should dig jizz on my face.

Madison Young is the first to respond to the article and here's an excerpt of her comment: There are plenty of queers and non-queer women who enjoy messy sex and enjoy female ejaculate, male ejaculate, piss and other fluids. This is an intimate sexual play to be fluid bonded. And to me it exhibits not an act of degradation but a deep hunger and lust for your partner that is so great that you want to swallow all of them, including their cum which is a physical manifestation of this persons release of pleasure. Why wouldn't you want to gobble that up? Why wouldn't you want to have that closeness with your partner? Actually, I have to be feeling pretty darn submissive to "gobble" those fluids up, and the taste can be a huge turn-off, but I definitely see what she's saying.

The thing is, I actually LIKE "female ejaculate, male ejaculate, piss and other fluids" because I find it degrading and humiliating. Andrea Dworkin (who I actually love, despite the fact that she is staunching anti-pornography) said, "It is a convention of pornography that the sperm is on her, not in her. It marks the spot, what he owns and how he owns it. The ejaculation that is on her is a way of saying (through showing) that she is contaminated with his dirt; that she is dirty." I don't think this has to be the case, but it is with me, and that's a big part of WHY I like it.


I (Still) Blame Porn: A Response by BeckySharper
The first article by Sharper has 111 comments as of this post, and Sharper felt the need to respond in another article. She mostly reinforced and defended her previous points, though she was a bit clearer. The comments to this article are worth reading if only because friend of TopTheMonkey Courtney Trouble made a great reply.

I made a post similar to this awhile ago, but this list is far more comprehensive. Name of store, location, specialty if any. Not all of the stores I would consider feminist, and some do sell unsafe toys, so if it says it's made of jelly, don't buy it. Not all of them have online shops. Some of them are on etsy and those are going to have a very narrow selection, but hey, you're supporting super small businesses.

( the list! )

This is the second post concerning our recent trip to the local dungeon.

The Top put me in suspension cuffs and attached them to a chain hanging from the ceiling. He began to use various toys on me. It had been a long time since we played, and I was unused to that kind of pain. It wasn't terribly easy for me to take, though I wanted it very much. I started to feel a bit restless, wanted to jump away but wanted more, wanted to give the Top a side kick that would knock him on his ass, wanted to be fully restrained so I couldn't twist away from the lashes.

This is generally what I mean when I say I feel “triggered” during a scene. I want more pain but I also feel this anger and violence building inside me.

I growled at the Top a bit but he moved around more in where he was hitting and that subsided. After I let him know that my shoulders were hurting (trying to be conscious of such things due to chiropractor) he moved me to a St. Andrew's cross, secured me, and worked on me some more. This time I got triggered more strongly, but I tried to analyze the cause. In my previous relationship, I do not recall having this reaction. Wanting more pain, perhaps in an unhealthy way, yes; but not feeling violent.

And that's when, sobbing on the cross, I had my revelation. OK, more like two revelations, but closely related. If I concentrate very hard, I can rise above the violent feelings and just ride the pain. I can redirect my self-harm feelings, sublimate them. I can breathe and push and make it through and not do anything threatening towards the Top at all.

I thought, why do I get so angry at the Top during these times? Why do I feel so violent towards him? In the past, all the anger was self-directed. What changed? And when I considered this next thought, it felt like everything else in the world just dropped away: what if I get angry towards the Top at these times because I'm repressing anger I feel (not necessarily towards him) in my life in general, and this is when my subconscious feels it can release that anger? Being beaten is when I'm stripped down emotionally and if anger is being masked beneath the surface, it's going to show up at these times.

Once I realized that, it felt like I could let go, and I didn't feel violent any more. It would probably be useful to figure out WHY I'm angry and how I can deal with my anger in a healthy way.

This started as a reply to a comment to the Top's entry here, but regarding both of our entries concerning our trip to the dungeon. I felt it deserved its own post.

Our relationship and aspects thereof tends to be misunderstood in a few different ways by friends and acquaintences, usually depending on their level of interest/involvement/experience in bdsm. The misunderstandings of vanilla friends and acquantiences tend to be those that most any kinky couple would encounter: issues of consent, abuse, that sort of thing. Once you get to the kinky folks though, it gets a bit more varied. Often the authenticity of a D/s or M/s relationship is judged by the degree of (perceived) control the upper-case partner has over the lower-case one. This brings me to the comment.


No, zie did not question the authenticity of our relationship. Zie did, however, bring up some issues regarding the power distribution and control within the relationship. Summarizing, zie said that the two entries read like a power struggle between us, gave the impression that I didn't enjoy the trip, was bitter, and that because the Top controls me, I feel it's my right to control other things, at the cost of my submission to the Top.


Control is an issue in anyone's life, to a certain extent, and the Top and I have our own, ah, quirks in this regard. When either of us feels very anxious and/or overwhelmed, our instinct is to exert control over those areas which we can control. I think this is typical of most people. At my most unhealthy, this manifests as an urge to self-harm. At my most healthy, this manifests as an urge to clean. The M/s nature of our relationship adds an interesting layer to all this.

Technically, being a slave and all, whatever control I have in my life is the Top's choice. He has not set any parameters like "I will never exert control over your professional life" or such, though I know of M/s couples where this is the case. We navigate together and often there is compromise, which I'm sure many people feel does not belong in a relationship such as ours. I strive to always be conscious of the Top's needs and wants and to put those before my own. The Top strives to take mine into consideration, and do what he feels is best.

The Top wants to be kept abreast of my feelings/emotions as they occur. I am not allowed to lie to him. More than honesty, he wants transparency. It is then his choice what he does with the information. If he wants me to do something, asks me how I feel, and I tell him I don't want to do it, he can order me or let it go. I earnestly want to serve the Top, submit to him, please him. That doesn't mean I'm never going to have any other feelings, just that I try to voice but not act on them.


So no, I'm not bitter at all, yes, I enjoyed myself very much once we actually started playing. There was no power struggle in the entries or in real life, there never has been.

I'm pretty sure I've posted about this before, but this will be more thorough. Someone recently requested resources on bdsm and I thought it would be a good public post.


BLOGS which will lead you to other places, I'm sure
Femme Fagette: a multigendered fat queer poly switch exploring gender, sexuality, and the pitfalls of an overanalytical nature.
let them eat pro-sm feminist safe spaces
Subversive Submissive: Just another vegan, anarchist, feminist BDSM weblog.
Sugarbutch Chronicles: the sex, gender, and relationship adventures of a kinky queer butch top

WEBSITES to meet other people (not necessarily for sex), that can be useful
CollarMe
FetLife

DIY BDSM TOYS websites
Flea Market Pervertables
The Frugal Domme
KinkCrafts
Sartan's BDSM Workshop
Simple Flogger Construction


BOOKS we have read and recommend

Anal Pleasure & Health: A Guide for Men and Women by Jack Morin
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame
Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus by Christina Abernathy and Laura Antoniou (Foreword)
The Loving Dominant by John Warren
The New Bottoming Book by Janet W Hardy and Dossie Easton
The New Topping Book by Janet W Hardy and Dossie Easton
Public Sex: The Culture of Radical Sex by Pat Califia
Radical Ecstasy: SM Journeys to Transcendence by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
Sensuous Magic: A Guide for Adventurous Lovers by Pat Califia
Shibari You Can Use: Japanese Rope Bondage and Erotic Macramé by Lee "Bridgett" Harrington
The Toybag Guide to Age Play by Lee Harrington
The Toybag Guide to Dungeon Emergencies and Supplies by Jay Wiseman
The Toybag Guide to Erotic Knifeplay by Miranda Austin and Sam Atwood
Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes: A Step-by-Step, Illustrated Guide for Tying Sensual and Decorative Rope Bondage by Two Knotty Boys and Larry Utley (Photographer)


BOOKS we haven't read but come highly recommended

Consensual Sadomasochism : How to Talk About It and How to Do It Safely by William A. Henkin and Sybil Holiday
The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance by Lorelei
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners by Lady Green
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

It all feels so repetitive.

School is over. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I feel unfulfilled and bored. The Top is always at work. I haven't seen any of the few friends I have scattered around the state either because they're too far away or the Top doesn't want me to see them. We don't play as much as I'd like.
Blah, blah, blah.

I made a nice display of our dildos and butt plugs on the headboard of the bed. Excluding the Njoy wand and the inflatable butt plug. That's not where I bought the inflatable butt plug, I wasn't sure of the site as I bought it at a fair. I do remember that the vendor flirted with me quite a lot.
In related news: we need more dildos and butt plugs. The Top gave me a new dildo for my birthday. It's a little (ok, not so little) wooden man.

I can't seem to finish any crafting projects I start.

I have names of gynecologists, dentists, general practitioners, plastic surgeons (been contemplating breast reduction surgery since I was 13, want at least a consultation) . . . but I haven't made a single appointment. Well, that's not true. I made a gyno appointment that I forgot about and thus missed, while I was too scared to call them back and explain.

I still don't have my driver's permit in this state or a local library card.

Blah, blah, blah.