topthemonkey: (Default)
My classes start tomorrow. They're all online this semester again. We have to post introductory posts this week. I'm so tempted to say:

Hi, I got my BA in English, finishing my Masters right now. I hope to get into a Ph.D. program but if not then I'll go into library and information sciences.

I identify as a genderqueer pre-op transgendered dyke or fag (depending on the day, but  mostly dyke) and I live in a bdsm lifestyle house as a slave with my Dom and another Master/slave couple.

My interests include poetry, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, shibari, French postmodern theorists, corsets and strap-ons.

But maybe that's an over-share? Everyone else talks about their damn husbands/wives/boyfriends/girlfriends and children! And I feel like I can't say anything about my own relationship status or I have to be super vague or lie. Bah.
topthemonkey: (Default)
Last night I disobeyed a direct order from the Top. I told him "No".

The order was to stop collecting the garbage from the little garbage bins around the house (there are 7-8), which I was going to bring to the bins outside and bring them to the curb.

I know I wasn't justified in disobeying, that there really is no justification for doing that.

I also knew that if I didn't do it, nobody else was going to. But they were definitely going to complain the next day when they realized the garbage hadn't gone out. Who is responsible for taking the garbage out? The slaves.* I'd rather have conflict with the Top than be thrust into conflict with TMOTH and/or other house residents. Is that bad? Probably.

It was late at night and everyone who lives here was home, yet nobody said anything to me about helping, or indicated that they even knew today was garbage day.

The whole "If I don't do it, it's not going to get done at all" thing? That's pretty much how it goes for most of the housework.
I didn't clean the kitchen floor for 2 weeks because I was so annoyed that nobody else ever did it and that people rarely, if ever, noticed if I did it.
Guess what happened? It got so gross that I caved and did it myself.

When I say "people" I'm mostly talking about TMOTH's slave.
Last night she was naked, when I was collecting the garbage.
I had already brought it all down to the curb, so I asked her to take the garbage in her Master's bedroom and bathroom and bring it down to the curb.
She pointed out she was naked. I pointed out that she could put clothes on. She said that she wasn't sure if her Master wanted her to do that.
Guess what happened? TMOTH brought his garbage to the curb himself. Despite the fact that he has always been insistent that if there's something his slave can be doing for him (getting his drink for him, finding his medication, etc.) she should be.

*Nevermind that I haven't seen TMOTH's slave collect the garbage of her own volition in months and that the Top has taken it down to the curb as much if not more than she has in the past month.
topthemonkey: (Default)
I've finally found something that I don't like about living in a lifestyle house.

When you hear screaming and crying, you're expected to ignore it, or at least not interrupt it.
topthemonkey: (Default)

Monkey and I are staying with another Master/Slave couple. I continue to say "temporarily" although desires have been expressed on all sides to make it a more permanent arrangement. That said, you may see some new players in this Journal. I'll generally refer to myself as "the top" in this Journal, and in general do not prefer the title "Master" for myself (although I'm working on accepting it as a "calling" in scene, i.e. "Yes Master" (I've always preferred "Sir") but not "Master D"). My philosophy has been, as it was in the past -- I've had business cards that read "CTO" of companies, but "System Admin" is what I *do*. It's an action word. Master is a title. And I've never been one for titles.

So for now, and for a while in the future, you may see an odd mishmash of alphabet soup here, dear readers.

In writing here, you may see my new housemate and partner in crime referred to as "The Master" or "The Master of the House" (Abbreviated: TMOTH) or something similar. I, for all intents and purposes, and in keeping true to the spirit of this blog, am to be referred to as "The Top". My partner will always be "The Monkey", regardless of what role she fulfills here, be it slave, submissive, or simply pet. For the record, I don't plan at this time to have any other partners of this nature, although I've given a few other people a few orders since I've been here. (That may be the subject of another post entirely). If/when I/we take up permanent residence in this house, this Journal's profile will be updated with these acronyms, including some well-anonymized info on other regulars, such as slaves the master may regularly be training.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled posting...

It's been noted in this journal that I've had trouble in the past getting the monkey to "call" when he's feeling at his limits. And this lack of communication has been frustrating enough that it's been maddening, especially during periods of intense pain play. During the Monkey's recent (first) flogging, this was one of my fears -- and while I was sitting there, ready to stop the scene if the unthinkable happened, I had not made it clear to TMOTH that there was a danger factor. Given, the monkey was well-restrained. Given, I could have handled the situation, and given, the Bad Things did not happen, but...

So, for whatever reason today, the Master's current slavegirl was sent up to the master's room. I took the opportunity to send the monkey up to hers as well, and to stand for a few minutes in the Kitchen and talk with TMOTH about things, basically covering things such as:

  • The need for certain "out of band" signaling in play between us.
  • Modifications to house rules such that we can give a single command and have the slaves clear the room so that we may talk. (I may have to get some sort of hearing protection devices for the slaves to wear during these times).
  • My reasons and logic for sending the Monkey back home.
  • My expectations and desires for what changes will happen upon her return.
  • A few "you should know about this, I should have told you about this before" items concerning the Monkey's flogging.
  • Some of my own history, that despite having known The Master for ten years, that I wasn't sure he knew.
  • Differences in our respective dynamics, and where we can come to a meeting of the minds (for example, the fact that we take to mean yellow where most people mean red -- or at least did in the past).

So, after I called the Monkey back down, and The Master had gone back upstairs for some alone-time with his slave, the monkey asked what we had talked about. And then kept asking if we had talked about specific things, and what was said.

While he asserts he didn't really "force the issue", I don't feel he adequately accepted the fact that he was sent out of the room so we could talk for a reason. He's now expressed concerns that nothing he's said will be in confidence (this is not the case -- but some information is important for people to know.) I feel I gave in too much and didn't take the "none of your business" stance hard enough.

Oddly, the monkey LIKES being talked about when he's in the room, as though he's not. Of course, there, the curiosity factor isn't in play.

I also pointed out that what I told The Master was for The Master's own caution and information, not to embarass or degrade the monkey. I made a judgment call to make certain information shared on a need-to-know basis, and the *only* reason it became a problem was because the monkey asked (and because the monkey noticed his "flogging" entry was up on-screen earlier). Otherwise I have every confidence that the information passed would have been handled with discretion and savoir-faire, and that it will not affect the severity or intensity of play, simply the case of "when I say back off and let me handle it, I mean it".

On a related note, I have the desire to post that, yes, I *am* sending the Monkey home for an indeterminate period of time. I will give some, but not all, of my reasons for doing so here:

  1. The monkey has business to take care of back there. Everything from returning library books to maxing out prescriptions, and making plans to change doctors. I need to know that she can be trusted to do so.
  2. I need to see that she can keep to standing orders even if left alone.
  3. I want her decision to join this house, and under what terms, to be a decision made not-under-duress (i.e. while she is here).
  4. I need some time to prepare for her return, in more than one way (for example, clearing a day or two of my work schedule to be clear to handle her).
  5. I need her to be ready for what this entails. I am not unwilling to rule out that to return here, she may need to be ready to accept a collar (other than the training one from petco she wears now). She has asserted that she wanted to know me for at least a year before accepting such...which would mean she'd be deferred till June, or have to retract that desire. Much as this feels like Blackmail, moving her in with me, having her change her legal residence, is NOT a decision I take lightly.
  6. Also in play is that while her home environment isn't the healthiest thing, they are family that she loves, and her visit time home will be limited thereafter.
  7. Not in the least, because when I came down here, the initial plan was that she would be coming with me to help, as a guest, and to get me through the move with some sanity. It was always in the plan that she would "follow me" down AFTER I had established a more permanent residence (OUTSIDE this place), after her stuff was taken care of. The fact that she is in all online courses this semester is convenient, and had to do with another, longer-distance move that was imminent (cross-country), that I decided not to do. Ultimately though, while convenient, it changes nothing. While I, for logistical reasons, can take on a more permanent residence at this place; going from guest to rent-paying tenant "instantly", I want her to come down "anew" whenever the next time is, entering domain I've established for me. And for that, a sabbatical is necessary.
  8. And finally, with respect to TMOTH and after the kindness and generosity he's already shown me at a moment's notice, I want her to be invited to live here, not slipped into the deal like a piece of my baggage. I want the question I ask of him, after MUCH discussion of the potential dynamic, to be "May she join us?", not "May she stay?" (I do not want the stigma of "Please mom, it followed me home!")

So much to do...

topthemonkey: (v)
The Top has been requesting for several days that I write an entry on recent events concerning flogging. I've started this entry many times, both in lj and in my notebook. There were a lot of aspects for me to process. This is an explanation of what a cathartic flogging is, as I imagine the term is new to many people reading this. I didn't really know either, though I had an instinctive idea of what it involved. There have been times, two years ago, when I was flogged and experienced a catharsis because of it.

The Master we're staying with was beating me with various devices and cathartic flogging came up. I agreed to do it. The Master explained to me that it was going to be an intense, spiritual experience and that we (both myself and the Top) had to trust him. I trust perhaps too easily, but I do not feel it is misplaced in him (the Master). He said he wouldn't let me down and he didn't.

I was facing the closet door with my feet flat on the floor and suspension cuffs holding me up. He (the Master we're staying with) had his slave put on music and he began to beat me with a long, heavy leather flogger.
The Top was watching, I know, though I couldn't see him. I knew this was going to be difficult for him, though in a different way than it was going to be difficult for me.
The Master explained that there was no "yellow" here only "red". He was going to keep flogging me until I had reached catharsis. He gave me a mantra to think and/or say. I don't remember exactly but it was that I wanted to go there (there being catharsis), I wanted him to take me there. He said throughout that I was in a safe place and it was safe to let go.

The beating lasted what felt like a long time. I had a lot of difficulty with the whole "letting go" part of it (what a shock). I hold a lot of pain in my body, a lot of trauma. It hurts less to hold it than to let it out. But with the cathartic flogging, I didn't really have a choice, which is part of why I wanted to do it.
The Master said that I fought him throughout it, which I recall. I struggled to maintain my grip on the cuffs (though they would hold me up fine even if I didn't) and to stay standing, even as I sobbed harder and slid farther down.
There are a lot of things that could have arisen during the flogging, but what came out was my father. Again, such a shock. I have a lot of trouble with issues surrounding my father because I feel like to let go would be to let him go.

But with the flogging, I didn't have much choice. The Master was going to keep going until I broke. Which, finally, I did. When I fell to my knees he pressed the panic snaps. The Top was there immediately, helping me to lie (lay?) down on my side. I was still crying. I couldn't sit up to drink but I needed water so the Top soaked a washcloth with my water bottle and let me suck on it. This was repeated until someone thought to wrap ice in the washcloth and have me suck on that. Sucking . . . is a primal, natural, comforting thing for me. That and the water helped a lot.

The Master's slave (and possibly the Master?) took off my cuffs and the slave rubbed my feet a bit and then petted my hair. I cried on and off, feeling weak and helpless and drained. I said that I wanted my Daddy, that he didn't love me anymore, that I couldn't lose him, over and over. The Top said what comforting things he could. It was strange to be having such a vulnerable moment in front of two near-strangers and not be at all self-conscious. Strange, but good.

When I finally stopped crying, we talked about what had happened, how I felt, etc. I didn't feel as "cleansed" and "light" as I expected to but I felt very relaxed. I think this is due to the fact that I have a lot of shit to get out, and that was only part of it. My upper back looks like I have a lot of purple freckles and the skin beneath my neck especially is rather tough.

I'm thankful to all those involved, whether they're reading this or not. I wouldn't want to repeat the experience every day, but I can see doing it at least once a month.
topthemonkey: (Default)
I just wanted to let you know that (the Dom whose house we are staying at) brought a Domme friend over to give her a tour of the house and I felt I acted in a way that befitted a slave and would make you proud. This included being generally attentive, anticipating needs, and being used to demonstrate various beating implements. I think I would've hesitated a week ago to get naked before a stranger. I hope you're not displeased with my actions. I didn't perform sexually in any way.

I'm sorry I got upset last night and questioned things, sir. Today it seems so surreal that I could not want this. I think I can contribute it to two major factors: I get more sensitive late at night, especially after midnight, and we have had almost no alone time that was not bdsm-focused. I realize that with my property restrictions (currently not allowed to leave the property) and your busy work schedule, as well as the novelty and excitement of being encouraged to do, well, what we do, that this is to be expected. Nonetheless, I'd love to just rent some Angel (the series) with you though and curl up with vegan cupcakes (got a new cookbook) for a few hours.

Additionally, I did not go back to bed after you left and have been going through the "discussions" in my classes and posting.
If you have any requests so far as how you would like to find me or what you would like me to have done that are not among my daily duties, please let me know.

your slave
topthemonkey: (Default)
The Top moved this past weekend. He's staying with a friend who is also a Dom and lives with his slave. They're more Old Guard than we are, but I don't see that being an issue. I went down with the Top. He's not sure how long he'll be living here, but it's really nice. The Top's last residence was less than kink friendly and now we're in a lifestyle household. The difference is, ah, drastic.

The Top and I have discussed my need for a more consistent, heavy dynamic between us several times. Keeping it 24/7 and not letting it slip when problems (especially concerning my mental health) arise because that's when we (or maybe mostly I) need that dynamic reinforced the most. Every time we have had this discussion and I've been really upset about the state of our relationship, things have changed, for a few hours to a few days. The Top has said, it's going to be different. And every time I believed him less and less.

Last night we were discussing rules about my consumption of ice cream. I've gained maybe 20 lbs since I got into this relationship, due in no small part to the Top's indulgent nature. He wants to see me happy, ice cream makes me happy. Despite being lactose intolerant sensitive, I can eat a lot of ice cream. And the Top bought me a lot of ice cream.

So in establishing these new rules concerning ice cream, I made some snarky remark about how, oh, this was suddenly going to be different than the last 7 months. He slapped me and said it was. He didn't slap me as hard as he has in the past, but it was in front of two other people, one the Dom he's staying with and one a vanilla friend. They weren't phased by it at all. This was new. He said later that it felt right, comfortable, and I agree.

When we were in bed for the night, talking, the Top said that this time is different than the others. Things are not going to be different, it's different now.


topthemonkey: (Default)

October 2012

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